Dear Mel:

You shared that you are a young woman of 24, have been best friends with a 21 year old man, known him for 21 years because your mothers have been friends for 40 years, ever since high school. Over two years ago, you started developing feelings for him, “He was my dream man. Tall, handsome, caring, respectful, loyal, had a good sense of humor”.

Soon after you developed feelings for him, two years ago, summer time,  you went on a vacation with your friend (let’s call him F) and his parents.  During the vacation he touched and tickled you a lot, visited you in your hotel room and started tickling you again and he proceeded to sexually assault you.

That night you called your sister, frantic and crying and told her what happened. Your sister told your mother what happened and next, your mother told you to “try to talk to him, but not to tell his mom or dad what had happened”, so to not ruin their vacation. You talked to F and he “denied or said he didn’t remember anything. You pretended to be friends with him for the rest of the trip as his parents took pictures of the two of you together  hugging each other, so to send them to your mother.

You didnt sleep, barely ate and got a fever and was very sick. You begged your parents to come and get you, but they refused. “To make matters worse, his mom had me sleep IN HIS ROOM WITH HIM because it was the only room besides hers that had air conditioning”. You had a 101 degree fever as you spent the night in that room with a “pepper spray aimed at him the entire night”.

The next day, you were back at your parents’ home and you told your parents what happened, but they didn’t believe you. “To this day they still don’t”. You ended up depressed, developed anorexia, had night terrors of being raped, and attended Cognitive Behavioral Therapy “overcoming trauma and learning forgiveness”. Because of your therapy, you reconciled with F after more than a year of not talking or seeing him. He told you that he was sorry, that “he was just being friendly”. You’ve been hanging out with him a lot since then, texting every day, but you are very upset, hurt and feeling betrayed. You have been asking yourself: “Did he do it cause he liked me.. Did he do it cause he.. saw me as a sex object? Was he just using me?” You want an honest answer from him but you don’t think you’ll ever get one.

My initial input about your story: I am very sorry that you were sexually assaulted by F, and that your parents didn’t believe you, and that they didn’t drive ASAP at the time so to pick you up and remove you from the terrible situation you were in.

You wrote regarding your therapist: “my therapist said at least you have your best friend back”- it is extremely irresponsible and quite incredible that a professional therapist will refer to the man who sexually assaulted you as “your best friend”. It is extremely irresponsible for your therapist to encourage you to have him back in your life.

anita

Dear Mel:

You are welcome.

“Every time we hang out I have my fears and anxieties”- this is enough evidence that you shouldn’t hang out with him.

“I wonder if this friendship is worth all this anxiety”- a friendship based on denying the truth, and pretending what happened- didn’t happen, is not a friendship. It’s a pretend-friendship.

“everyone  seems to be denying it”- not everyone: the most important person is not denying it, and that most important person in your life, and in this thread, is you.

Don’t deny the truth because it’s convenient for others to deny the truth. Not even if it’s convenient for you to deny it. Be true to yourself, be true to.. what is true.

anita

Dear Mel:

You are very welcome. Glad to read your wise words: “I don’t have to deny the truth just because it’s convenient.. being true to myself is all i need.. What happened, really did happen!

No amount of denial can erase the past.

I feel more in control now. I couldn’t control what happened to me then, but I can now”.

I am repeating what you posted because it is worth repeating!

anita