I have a best friend who I have known since the day he was born. We’re three years apart, him being the younger one. Our moms have been friends since high school for 40 years, and him and I have been friends for 21 years. About 2 years ago, I went on vacation with his family. It was me, him, his mom, and his dad. A couple of weeks before the trip, my friend was acting…different. I only ever really saw him as my friend. Whenever we hung out before, it never felt like anything more than two friends just having a good time. But before the vacation, he would take me on all-day trips. He took me out to dinner sometimes and we would stay out on the restaurant patio until midnight just talking. He had started texting me daily, and sometimes he would start calling me daily to talk. He was hugging me more, and constantly teasing me. My mom, my sister, and my dad all suspected he may have started to develop a crush on me. I have never been asked out on a date before. As far as I know I have never had a guy show interest in me or ask me out, so I have no clue how a guy would act if he liked a girl. So I just wrote it off as he was just being playful and having fun.

The first couple days of the vacation were ok, but whenever we were in the car together he was constantly touching me. He was tickling me on my neck, behind my knees, on my stomach, everywhere!! It was annoying and I constantly asked him to stop. His parents, who would be driving, never said anything about it. His mom said it was cute, we were having fun. I was incredibly bothered by it. A couple days in to the vacation, I would notice him staring at me. He never used to give me a look like this before. It was a side eye smile. Like he was up to something. Again, I chalked it up to him just being him. My friend is an incredible person.  He was an altar boy in a church, he is an engineer for a manufacturing company, he had always been nothing but sweet, understanding, and caring, and the amount of respect he had for me was amazing. The way he was acting on this trip was not like him at all.

The trip included my birthday, and the night before my birthday we were eating at a restaurant and my friend was giving me crazy weird looks from across the table. At one point he whispered to me so his family couldn’t hear and he asked if he could go on a walk with me the next morning. I said sure, but asked him why. He said to talk about something. I asked him what, and he just gave me a strange side smile. I should mention all day he kept asking me if he could watch TV in my hotel room with me that night. All day he kept asking. I finally caved. He was bunking with his parents and it was awkward for him, so I figured give him a break in my room.

I let him in to my room after dinner, and while I was changing in the bathroom, I heard him locking the door. The doors were automatic locking ones, so I was confused. I heard him throw the lock on the door handle, and even deadbolt it, and I got a little uneasy. I guessed he planned on staying a while. I was comfortable enough with him and thought I knew him well enough that if I fell asleep he wouldn’t do anything. When I got out he was laying in my bed under the covers, watching TV.

I sat next to him, and started watching TV and texting my family to tell them how my day was. But the tickling started again. He started tickling my neck, my stomach, the back of my legs, under my arms. I decided that to get him to stop, I would just tickle him back. Maybe he was just being playful like he sometimes was before the trip. But it escalated quickly. It’s kind of a blur. I think I blocked most of it out of my head. What I do remember is him putting the covers over me and tickling me harder and in some more personal places. I was freaking out so I tried to slide out from under the covers. But he ended up on top of me, pulling me back under the covers. Eventually that stopped, and it was just him with his arm over me, holding me in the bed. He asked if him holding me like that was ok. My brain had shut down at that point. “I guess so” was the only thing, (and lie), that I could muster. Mind you, he’s 6 foot 3, 260 pounds of muscle. I’m 5 foot 2, 125 pounds. I could barely move. He started tickling me again, but it became more like scratching. I couldn’t look at him, so I turned my head to try and find my phone that I had dropped to call for help, but he kept pulling my head back to face him. I eventually mustered up the courage to scream stop it, and kneed him in the stomach to get him off.

He sat next to me, quiet, with yet another strange look on his face. Like he was feeling guilt. I tried to talk to him about what happened. What he was doing. Why he was doing it. He said no reason. It was nothing. He was just joking. I asked if he wanted a friends with benefits relationship (that I would NEVER agree to). He said no. He said I took it the wrong way. He had been guarding his pocket heavily, and it suddenly occurred to me he might have a condom in it. I asked him what was in his pocket. He pulled out his hotel key from his OTHER pocket. I asked him what was in the left pocket. He didn’t move, or say anything. I told him I liked him to see if it would trigger a response like “I like you back” or ” that’s why I was doing this”. But he just smiled and said it was ok… I asked him to leave, and he got up, said have a good night, and left.

The rest of the trip was hell. That night I called my sister, frantic and crying. The next morning, my birthday, my mom called me and told me my sister had told her everything. She said to try to talk to him, but not to tell his mom or dad what had happened. The last thing I should do is ruin their vacation. That hurt me. That their happiness was more important than the fact her daughter was just sexually assaulted. I tried talking to him that morning. He denied ever saying he wanted to talk to me that morning. He denied or said he didn’t remember anything. The rest of my birthday I avoided him as best I could. I had panic attacks having to sit in the car with him. His parents loved pictures of us together, and were constantly wanting pictures of us hugging each other to send to my mom. It. Was. Torture. I didn’t sleep. I barely ate. On the 8 hour ride back home I ended up getting a fever and was really sick. And his mom had him take care of me. When we got back to our state his mom refused to let me drive home since I was so sick. She called my family and said she would drive me the next day. I begged my parents to come and get me but they refused. My sister was in another state, celebrating her birthday with friends (we’re twins), and no one would get me. To make matters worse, his mom had me sleep IN HIS ROOM WITH HIM because it was the only room besides hers that had air conditioning. I didn’t sleep at all. I stayed up, and had my pepper spray aimed at him the entire night. You’re probably wondering why I stayed in that room. When you have a 101 degree fever in a heat wave in summer, you will take any relief you can get. I wanted to get some relief so I could fight my friend if I had to. The next day I faked feeling better and drove myself home. When I got home, I told my mom and dad what had happened. But they didn’t believe me. To this day they still don’t. To this day his parents don’t know.

If you have read this far, I thank you very much. Barely anyone knows this happened to me. I ended up not speaking to him or seeing him for over a year. We reconciled our friendship a little while ago. But emotionally it has destroyed a part of me. I have always loved him. Our parents called us brother and sister but we never saw it that way. We saw each other as friends. And a couple months before the trip I had started developing feelings for him. He was my dream man. Tall, handsome, caring, respectful, loyal, had a good sense of humor, and was always teaching me something new, whether it was something about myself or the world around me. But after what had happened, I was shattered. I have incredible low self-esteem. I ended up developing anorexia. I stopped eating from my depression, and I kept having reoccurring night terrors of being raped. When we reconciled, it was after I found a therapist who walked me through cognitive behavioral therapy and overcoming trauma and learning forgiveness. When we met up, he told me that night wasn’t supposed to come across how it did, and that he was sorry. He said he was just being friendly.  I asked him if he would do that to his male friends in a hotel room. He let out a croaked “sure”, but I knew he was lying.

We’ve been ok since. We hang out a lot, and he has started texting me every day again. But I’ve been very upset. Each time I hang out with him, I still remember what he did to me. And I wonder how he sees me. Did he do it cause he liked me and just went overboard trying to show me? Did he do it cause he saw an opportunity and saw me as a sex object? Was he just using me? I want an honest answer from him. But I don’t think I’ll ever get one.

It hurts. I still feel betrayed. And at the same time, sometimes I wonder if I had just let him do what he wanted to, maybe I would be in a relationship with him today like I had hoped. But I know that thought isn’t right at all. No one will talk to him about it. Usually someone out there will ask “that guy you like” how they feel about you? Maybe your best friend, or a family member. But nope. My family and friends have been of no help. Even my therapist said at least you have your best friend back and that if I still have feelings for him I should join an online dating app to remove those emotions. But I can’t stop thinking that if it was because he liked me then there may be something still there. He doesn’t touch me anymore. We don’t even really hug. But he still texts me everyday and we still hang out a lot.

I guess this post was just to see if anyone has had a similar experience like this, and how to work through the emotions I’m still feeling from it. There is only so much a therapist can do to help, and I love to hear from others. Any advice, guidance, or opinions or shared experiences are welcome! Thank you so much for hearing my story!