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Arguing More Lately

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  • September 1, 2017 at 1:54 am #166474
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Free Moon,

    It sounds like most of your communication with him is over the phone, which can lead to alot of misunderstandings and conflict. Is this a long distance relationship? I am wondering why you don’t see each other more in person? Just some thoughts..

    September 1, 2017 at 6:04 am #166494
    Free Moon
    Participant

    Hi, Eliana!

    We’re not in a long-distance relationship. We usually see each other twice a week. In person, we would sometimes argue in person, as well… :/

    September 1, 2017 at 9:36 am #166532
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Free Moon:

    I understand your concern about arguing in your relationship.

    You wrote: “When we talk on the phone and I can tell that he is stressed about something else, his tone of voice makes me feel like he’s not enjoying our conversation. I feel as if he is placing his discontentment on me which results to me getting frustrated, then we end up arguing.”-

    I want to better understand, therefore I ask: what tone of voice is it? Do you feel frustrated whenever you don’t sense joy in his tone of voice, joy about talking to you? Can you give an example of an argument following his… wrong-to-you tone of voice (what he says, what you say, what he says in response, and so on, an argument starting and progressing)?

    anita

    September 2, 2017 at 2:02 pm #166724
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Free Moon,

    I apologize for my misunderstanding about talking on the phone instead of in person. You stated you don’t feel like he is enjoying the conversation. Does this happen often? Did it just start to happen? Is there a different approach you can try?

    September 5, 2017 at 6:45 am #166980
    Free Moon
    Participant

    Hi, Anita,

    His tone is mostly of annoyance, but I know it’s not towards me. It’s just the way he handles his stress that makes me feel like I should be responsible for it which makes me feel frustrated.

    When he’s stressed about work or his family, he will rant about the situation, and I’d listen and offer advice if needed. Usually, he will rant for the entire time and not even ask me about how I am, so I just turn quiet and be silently annoyed.

    —

    Eliana,

    Please don’t apologize; I should’ve been more clear with our situation.

    It kind of just started to happen. He was in the process of moving places with his family and is just now settling down, and he is about to start school again, but he’s stressed because he can’t get into all of his classes at the moment. I, on the other hand, am just mostly stressed about saving up and paying off my school debt which I started just last month. I guess, we are both dealing with our own stressors in life and we don’t know how to lean on each other for support.

    I’ve been trying to be more calm because I want him to be able to confide in me, instead of us fighting each other about small petty things.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Free Moon.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Free Moon.
    September 5, 2017 at 9:52 am #167014
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Free Moon:

    Better communication will make your relationship so much better and prevent that “emotional exhaustion” you mentioned. For example, he tends to rant to you “for the entire time”, that is, for too long. You can set a rant-time-limit per call. You can decide together that when you had your fill of his ranting, you will tell him so and he will stop ranting. You can decide on him paying attention to you while on a call, not doing other things, have a shorter, attentive call instead of a longer, distracted call.

    Make the communication work for the two of you, a Win-Win and be detailed about how to make it so.

    anita

    September 5, 2017 at 6:01 pm #167150
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi FreeMoon,

    Maybe you can set boundaries with him beginning with your next conversation. You can say something like “It would really mean alot to me, if I could share with you about my day, I would really like to be heard”. If he continues his rant, tell him, you have something on the stove, or someone at the door”. And politely say you have to go. This will teach him to realize that he has been ranting and you don’t want to take it anymore, and he will stop the disrespectful behavior.  Or, If he continues to rant, you can say “I’m sorry for your experience, would you mind if I could share now? I could really use an ear”

    September 6, 2017 at 8:35 am #167336
    Free Moon
    Participant

    anita,

    How do I approach with setting the limit without seeming like I might be controlling his actions? :/

    —

    Eliana,

    I’ve tried talking to him about it, but his response is usually, “What do you mean? I always ask you how your day is.” When does ask about my day, it just eventually shifts to something else he wants to talk about.

    September 6, 2017 at 9:27 am #167356
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Free Moon:

    You asked: “How do I approach with setting the limit without seeming like I might be controlling his actions?”

    First, control is necessary in life and in relationships. As humans, to get along in relationships and in society in general, we do need to exercise self and other control within reason. Drivers need to control their driving so that driving is as safe as possible for everyone using the roads. In a similar way, he needs to control his ranting so that it doesn’t over burden you, so that you too will feel comfortable.

    The idea is that the two of you will exercise reasonable self control, and that each will accommodate the other within reason.

    I am thinking you don’t know ahead of time, at this point, how much of his ranting you can take without feeling significantly distressed. You can pay attention to that, maybe even check the time. You can talk to him: let him know that you understand his need to rant and that you feel distressed at one point on when he rants and you too want to be heard. If he is not familiar with the concept of reasonable self control within a relationship, and the need to make a relationship a win-win proposition, introduce these concepts to him. Then negotiate, experiment, see how it works and continue to… respectfully negotiate.

    anita

    September 6, 2017 at 4:30 pm #167514
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Free Moon,

    Keep asserting yourself with him. Right now he is trying to control you and your conversations and acting very selfish. Next time he says that “say “ask me again how my day went!” just keep asserting yourself. When he sees he can’t push you around, he will stop his controlling ways. Or if he continues to rant, just say “Enough!” or “stop”! In a very firm tone to get his attention. And just tell him you are tired of it. Tell him how you feel and you are his girlfriend and not his therapist. Don’t let him push you around.

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