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Is there any way to break the cycle?

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  • December 9, 2013 at 2:00 pm #46472
    Sam
    Participant

    I try not to do these sort of things because I don’t want to make my boyfriend seem like he’s the only bad guy here but I need outside love and support from my fellow Tiny Buddha pals.

    My boyfriend and I have pretty much destroyed the beautiful relationship we had together. With different jobs we were both unhappy with what it did to our personalities, different schedules and bickering I would definitely say we aren’t in a good place. What I am trying to do now is two things 1. Look at the relationship from an outside perspective and 2. Find a solution that can rest peacefully in my heart. I am a young twenty something and we will call him R is my best friend and boyfriend for two years, lately it has been hard for me to connect with that, consistently feeling like I need to go out while he likes staying in. All of that is fine but we used to be attached at the hip like all couples are at first.

    What gets me is the connection between us when you know someone is special. You know their moods you know their feelings you get where they are at. At the beginning of the relationship I was pretty dependent, he had known this and pushed me to find my independence and happiness, he was good for me, pushed me in good ways some ways I didn’t even know I needed. We explored he introduced me to the outdoors and finding peace in myself instead of looking for others for comfort. I definitely mastered those. As time goes on of course the romance fades and we still got along fantastically.

    He got a job that seemed to not give him enough credit and I agreed he never seemed happy with a tedious work  schedule and mine as well not fixing I think we have forgotten what it is like to spend quality time together. He recently quit this job, but my schedule is pretty random as well, it has become habit that we Don’t get full days together and I spend some of my days after work with girlfriends and we only talk at night.

    Am I also to blame for part of that slipping and fading?

    The viscous cycle of bickering begins

    He or I says something I get irritated with (something along the lines of me feeling like I’m not doing enough or whatever)

    then there is the awful bickering without solution

    I feel like I ask the same few questions with no answer , maybe not talk for a day or two then all of a sudden

    what are you up to? you are so pretty. I feel unjustified in that but hope for the best and forgive so easily, being there are no settled situations I feel a buildup of problems.

    I have tried everything from calling, talking, showing up at the house and I hate that more than anything trying to resolve an issue that We both fed to the fire and not knowing where to go from there.

    Is there a way I can approach the subject without starting another argument and letting it fully settle? How do I handle my current situation? He will call but never reply when I call back. Same with texting. Anything I have to say is “bitching”

     

     

    I guess my questions are as follows.

    a. Can it be repaired?
    b. Is it worth repair?
    c. if I repair the situation how can I approach the topic so that I can get answers?
    d. What would be my best plan of action?

    • This topic was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Sam.
    • This topic was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Sam.
    • This topic was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Sam.
    • This topic was modified 11 years, 3 months ago by Sam.
    December 9, 2013 at 6:53 pm #46505
    Al
    Participant

    I like to be as brief as possible in my answers though that’s not always the case. Please excuse me if you do not find the short answers satisfactory. I just prefer to be as direct as possible if the matter allows for it to avoid confusion.

    A. Anything can be repaired. In relationships, however, it takes two (as you well know).
    B. What do you lose/gain if you don’t repair it/do repair it? Could you live with your answers?
    C. Approach it in a conciliatory tone and manner. Try not to use ‘I’ or ‘you’ but ‘us’ in your conversation(s) instead.
    D. Every relationship is unique. Perhaps you’ve reached a stage where you both need time to reflect on all the recent events. If so, inform him that if he needs time to think you shall patiently wait while you yourself reflect as well.

    I shall add a bit more: you are both young and still learning, perhaps this is something you could bring up. State that you wish to figure this out together, no matter how long it takes, as you find it important for the both of you. Don’t be pushy, keep a gentle tone, don’t reach harshly if he or his words become ill as it will only escalate things. This is where I leave you. I am poor at giving general advice on relationships. I tend to become overly specific and feel as if I’m forcing you to speak my words instead of yours so please forgive me, I only wish the best for my fellow Tiny Buddha family members.

    Best of luck to you,

    Al

    December 10, 2013 at 5:20 am #46519
    cesar
    Participant

    AL you are right, every word. If I had this advise half a year ago my life today would be totally different. Sam Your situation echoes mine but you are at the stage were it can be salvaged before it’s too late take. take your time and think logically and think it through, ask all the questions above. Only you know the answers to the questions
    I wish you well and hope you make the decisions that you need to make.
    Best wishes Cesar.

    December 10, 2013 at 8:24 am #46525
    val
    Participant

    Sam, I went through a similar relationship. In the beginning my boyfriend was amazing. He too helped me like R has helped you. My self esteem was strengthened and I wanted to keep growing. My priorities had changed but his stayed the same. He refused to grow with me. So we ended our relationship. Maybe you can relate to this. This is just a suggestion and I wish you the best.

    December 10, 2013 at 9:02 am #46528
    Matt
    Participant

    Sam,

    In addition to the other thoughtful words, consider that finding ourselves in a cycle of disagreement (bickering) is normal. Without hearing the specifics, it is difficult to say exactly what is happening, but my guess is either or both of you are not taking responsibility for your side, and blaming the other as the cause of your upset feelings.

    Consider the difference between “you made me insecure with your aloofness” and “when you did that, I saw aloofness and felt insecure”. The first is handing over the source of the issue, pushing into the other. This makes the other defensive… especially if they were not feeling aloof. With the first scenario, the response becomes defensive, such as “I did nothing wrong” which feels invalidating to the insecurity, as though the feelings are not being heard. This basic form sparks many of the cycles of bickering, as feelings and words are pushed and pulled back and forth, each person wanting to be free from the cycle, but feeling like the other is generating it. “If only you would agree to my side, we could be done with this!”

    The solution to cycles like this is to separate and accept the two sides. There are your feelings. There are your perceptions. There is the playing field between you where actions and exchanges happen. There are his perceptions. There are his feelings. When conflict arises, stay on your side. What did you see, how did you interpret it? What are you feeling? What is the fear? Its not his fault, don’t assume you are seeing his side of things clearly. Often when our feelings become fiery, such as anger, agitation, jealousy, sorrow… our feelings paint the field. Said differently, when we get mad, for instance, even kind words can appear to be mean… but its only our anger projecting onto the field, forcing us to assume and judge “what he meant by that”.

    As for the answers to “is it salvageable/worth salvaging”…. that’s between you and your heart and him and his. If you two feel strongly for each other and desire to work on your communication skills, anything is possible. There’s no such thing as an unworkable union… there are only beings who don’t desire to work on it. What do you want. What does he?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    December 11, 2013 at 2:15 am #46580
    Rashmi
    Participant

    Hi Sam!
    Everyone here makes excellent points. I totally think you guys can break this cycle but it will take lots of work. First of all you need to give him space to sort out his issues and allow yourself to do the same. Let him go. Its hard but you can do it. Take time off to find yourself. You’ve lost yourself in a fused relationship. Find that zest for life you had before you met him. Find fulfillment in your own life, so that your happiness fills you up and flows in to your relationship 🙂
    Here’s an article that might help you 🙂
    http://lovingboldly.com/blog/how-to-be-independent-in-a-relationship/

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