Apologizing: When is the right time?

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This topic has 28 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 2, 2017 at 12:12 am #166654
Mary899
Participant
As for my mom, I’ve reached out to a therapist, explained her situation and asked him to give her a call. He made several attempts…she never responded.

I’ll definitely let you know about the progress I’m going to make on the path of making more stable friendships, Eliana. Thank you again!

Love,

Mary
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mary899.
September 2, 2017 at 6:18 am #166670

Eliana
Participant

Hi Mary,

That’s wonderful! I’m excited. You, know, I may just take this challenge along with you, as I suffer from loneliness, alot of my friends have moved out, and they were pretty much “fair weather” friends anyway. I have a new therapist, and am going to talk to her about developing healthier friendships as well. Like you, I want to avoid drama, conflict, cinfusion, walking on eggshells, narcissism, only receiving crumbs in my “friendships”. I also need to work on my need for approval and validation, that I never had as a child. I have to stop worrying about if someone is going to “reject” or “abandon me”. Just because my mother did, I need to let go of this fear.

My other challenge for you, is for you and your Mother to go into therapy together and work on conflict and communication. I know she will resist, but if you want to live in harmony with her or have to, you just have to keep pushing her. No matter how much she resists, tell her, you can’t go on like this, love her, but all this tension is having a negative impact on your health. Don’t give up. I am excited for you, and look forward to future posts.

I have been having problems with my thyroid and have developed thyroid nodules. My physician has me going everywhere to get ultrasounds done and find needle aspirations. If they find anything, then I will be going to a treatment center and more biopsies, etc. so I may not be able to reply right away. Enjoy your weekend. ☺

September 2, 2017 at 8:29 am #166686

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mary:

In the scenario you described, you lied to a friend because you didn’t want to share the truth, she was offended, you believe that your behavior was indeed offensive, apologized to her, but she did not accept your apology, repeating how much you have hurt her and talking about it to other people behind your back-

my input: you can only control your participation in every interaction. You have no control of another person’s behavior. Best to prevent problems in the future: you can learn from this experience and next time you don’t want to share the truth- don’t share the truth, but don’t lie either. Regarding the situation that already happened, let it be. What else can you do?

You asked me if I have any suggestions regarding how to interact with your mother, or how to deal with your mother (who is mentally ill and is sometimes verbally abusive to you)- for as long as you live with her, once she starts verbal (or any) abuse-tell her that you will not tolerate the abuse and leave the location where the abuse is taking place, leave the room or the house, take a walk outside, return home after, hopefully, she is no longer abusive. If she is still abusive, state the same again, and leave again.

It doesn’t matter why a person is abusive to you, whether they were diagnosed with a mental illness or not. Your primary responsibility is to protect yourself from abuse, to not be present for it. (As well as to protect any children from abuse). Unless in the midst of a psychotic episode, a mentally ill person is aware-enough and are able, if motivated, to stop abusive behavior.

anita

September 2, 2017 at 9:30 am #166694

Zoe
Participant

B

September 3, 2017 at 8:57 am #166766
Mary899
Participant
Hi Eliana,

Thank you for all your support and encouraging words!

It’s great that you, too, are also looking for a new start. I wish you all the success on your path of making friends with people who truly deserve your love and your generosity.

I can relate to your fear of rejection and need for approval…I’ve realized that these two were the underlying causes of me getting into friendships with not only one, but three toxic women at the same time. I used to think that no matter how much of a bully a person is, they can never bring themselves to be cruel towards sb who’s been kind and empathic towards them. I was wrong. Hopefully I will never make the same mistake.

It’s amazing how relentless a bully can be. As soon as I block a way for her to contact me, she finds another one. I’m worried about the fact that she may even go as far as trying to get me into trouble with the professors…she’s so charismatic and popular.

You’re right…it’s time I insisted that my mom got professional help. This can’t go on like this.

I hope the problem with your thyroid is nothing serious…please take good care of you. You’ll be in my prayers (:

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Love,

Mary
- This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mary899.
September 3, 2017 at 9:43 am #166772

Mary899
Participant

Dear anita,

You are right…this was indeed a learning experience. Most importantly I’ve learned that I shouldn’t get too close to people who I don’t feel comfortable sharing the truth with.

There are some worries that remain…as I said to Eliana, this person seems unbearably relentless in “getting revenge”. She gets hold of other people cellphones sending sarcastic abusive words…mostly I’m afraid she may get me into trouble with the college professors as she’s very charismatic and persuasive. I wouldn’t be surprised if I hear she’s gone to a certain professor telling them how much I’ve hurt her (as well as other things), making the deal much bigger than it really was. What do you think I should do if such a thing happens?

Thank you for your advice with regards to my mom. I’ll do my best to apply it.

You said “Unless in the midst of a psychotic episode, a mentally ill person is aware-enough and are able, if motivated, to stop abusive behavior.” What is the best way to cause this motivation without causing them to get even more infuriated and abusive?

Mary

September 3, 2017 at 10:09 am #166776

Eliana
Participant

Hi Mary,

Don’t be afraid any longer. The more “no contact” you have with toxic people the less fear and worry you will have. The less you talk about it or think about it, the more it will go away. Just keep hearing toward positive people. Remember my challenge. Don’t worry about people getting a hold of cell phones, just silence any negative thoughts or worries and have nothing more to do with these women. The less you talk about them, you will find them leaving your life. Don’t worry about what they may or may not say or do..just keep being positive. Positive energy and vibe, will bring positive people into your future. If you can’t get anywhere with your mom, by stopping her abuse, that’s when professional intervention is needed..or you will constantly be letting her upset you.

Wake up every morning and think of all the things you have to be grateful for. Anytime anything negative comes to mind, go back to your gratitude list. Negativity spreads negativity. Be done with that and people like that. Only go where the sunshine is.

September 3, 2017 at 10:31 am #166780

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mary:

Hopefully the college professors, if approached by this young woman, are mature enough to not get caught up in her charisma. Hopefully that charisma you witnessed doesn’t work on mature people, professors, who have limited time for what they (hopefully) consider nonsense. They are not her peers or her friends and are not invested in being accepted by her or approved by her. They have their families to attend to, lectures to give, papers to grade, meetings to attend… I doubt they have the time or the inclination to listen to her complaints, if she voices any to them, and to give her the time and opportunity to persuade them.

If a professor initiate a talk to you about her complaints, you can prepare now with possible complaints and your responses to them. If you prepare, aim at short responses that display a mature, reasonable attitude and thinking, not getting caught up in emotion.

Regarding how to motivate your mother to not abuse you: if she is caught up in her distress and is not available and willing to see your distress, she will not be feeling empathy for you. Without her feeling empathy for you, she will not be motivated. This is very unfortunate. If it is possible for you to present to her consequences to her abusive behavior, that may work, as any person is motivated to avoid pain and to approach pleasure. If you leave the room or house when she is abusive, it may be a negative consequence for her, in her mind, which may help in your quest to not be abused.

If when she acts respectfully toward you, you point out your appreciation for her respectful behavior, pointing out what she said or did that was respectful, that may give her a good feeling that will motivate her to repeat that respectful behavior.

anita

September 4, 2017 at 5:28 am #166832

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mary:

It occurred to me this morning that my response to you was missing something important, I believe. In your last paragraph to me, you repeated what I wrote to you: “Unless in the midst of a psychotic episode, a mentally ill person is aware-enough and are able, if motivated, to stop abusive behavior.”

And you asked: “What is the best way to cause this motivation without causing them to get even more infuriated and abusive?”

My initial strong advice was that you have no contact with the abusive person, your mother, so to not be present for the abuse. You wrote back that you live with her and unable or unwilling to move out. Next, I suggested that you leave the room/ house when she is abusing you. To that you responded with the question I quoted above, rephrased: how to respond to an abuser in such a way as to not bring about even more abuse?

Abuse is about power. It is the same for a diagnosed mentally ill person as it is to an undiagnosed person. Unless in a psychotic episode where the person has no awareness of reality, the abuser has some awareness of reality. And their reality is about having power over the abused.

The abuser is often scared herself and she finds relief in having power over another, in watching another submit to her power. It makes her feel… powerful, and so, less scared.

When you submit to an abuser, you encourage her to keep abusing you because she needs the feeling of power. She will need to feel powerful again and again, and so, she will keep abusing you. If you do not submit, but assert yourself against an abuser, she is likely to return to her scared position and withdraw from abusing you.

It only seems, in my experience, that an abuser will keep abusing if you assert yourself against her, but instead, the abuser is likely to withdraw, to stop abusing.

I do suggest you assert yourself with her. It is a bad, bad idea to pave a way in life for yourself where you take people’s abuse so to avoid more abuse, to submit so to be let to live. Living in a submissive-to-abuse state of mind is not a good way to live.

anita

September 5, 2017 at 9:34 am #167012

Mary899
Participant

Dear Eliana,

As always, thank you for your supporting words…I’ll do my best to apply your advice on “silencing” any thoughts and worries with regards to these women. My entire summer holidays was wasted upon worrying and fearing what might happen next…I guess it’s time to let go. I will also remember your advice on starting each day with the thought of all the things I have to be grateful for.

Have a great time (:

Mary

September 5, 2017 at 10:38 am #167040

Mary899
Participant

Dear anita,

Thank you for your comprehensive reply.

As for our college professors the dean of our faculty has proven to be not as “mature” as one would expect on a number of occasions, and it seems as if she actually takes pleasure in listening to nonsensical complaints. Also, she doesn’t try to hide the fact that the charismatic woman I’m talking about is the “apple of her eye”.

I guess my only option would be to take your advice on preparing short, sensible responses. I also have to work on myself to avoid getting caught up in emotions.

I very much agree with you on abusive behavior being about hidden fears and insecurities. However, I have witnessed that sometimes being assertive results in the abuser’s projecting their misbehavior on me, using “You didn’t do as you were supposed to therefore now I’ve got the right to punish you and any form of protesting is out of the question.” as a mentality.

With regards to my mom… when she’s upset, most of the times she forces me to leave the house even if I don’t want to. Sometimes I resist, but she gets more and more abusive until I’ve got no other choice. This is extremely distressing especially when I have exams to study for or am simply trying to rest in my own room. Other people tell me I have to try to keep her calm by submitting to all her requests and wishes…that’s just not possible. Sometimes I lose track of what the best thing is to do.

Mary

September 5, 2017 at 11:31 am #167064

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mary:

Too bad about your college professor. More troubling is your mother’s behavior. What other people tell you, “submitting to all her requests and wishes”, that is the solution when stuck with an abusive person, as in captivity. When you have no power and your very life is dependent on an abusive, aggressive person, when there is no one to help you, protect you, remove you from captivity.

Do you see your living situation as captivity? How is it affecting your mental health?

anita

September 5, 2017 at 12:43 pm #167088

Mary899
Participant

Dear anita,

That is exactly how it feels like…stuck in captivity. Soon I’ll move to the city in which my college is located, however, that will be a temporary solution. I’ve been asking others to help me with the situation by asking her to go to therapy, but it seems as if they’re too busy themselves. Mostly they tell me I could use more patience as she’s my mother after all and has to be respected.

My mental health…I’ve been used to living in a state of fear and anxiety. As I was craving for love, support and approval I got myself into some toxic friendships, which only resulted in more chaos. Trouble at home, trouble at school, the difficulty of living alone in anther city…it seems as if all the doors are closed at the moment. However, I’ve never liked sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and am looking for ways which help me cope in the best way possible. Mostly I care a lot about my studies and I’m afraid all that is going around has had a negative impact on them. What do you think I can do to stay motivated and focused?

September 5, 2017 at 12:56 pm #167098

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mary:

As to what people say: “she’s my mother after all and has to be respected”- not so: the right behavior toward a person who abuses you is not to act respectfully toward them, to be patient with their abuse, but to not be in their presence, that is, to have no contact with that person.

To “cope in the best way possible” while in contact, or in captivity, you are already coping the best way you can. The human body will survive unbelievable difficult circumstances, as history indicates and as reality indicates. Not only humans survive but animals and plants. Nature has a very impressive record of survival in the toughest circumstances imaginable.

Without intent on your part, naturally, your brain does what it needs to do to survive your circumstances. You can read such survival stories if you’d like, to give you strength, true-life survival stories of people throughout history.

I hope the no-contact solution will soon enough be possible for you. Post again anytime.

anita
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