HomeāForumsāTough TimesāAny tips in how to solve communication problems?
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August 12, 2022 at 11:24 am #405403
AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Thank you for your response, and yes i’m feeling much better now….
Do you honestly believe that anyone deserves to be hit?
I honestly believe that i deserve that so that i wont make the same mistakes again…. and i have to find a solution for it….
That’s what i thought when i hit my head….
I am not saying this because I wish to cease communication. On the contrary! I would love to continue this conversation. I just know from my own experience that it is near impossible to be kind to yourself while these feelings are still raw.
I have an idea for you regarding conversation practice. You write beautifully and visualisation is great technique that has a similar impact to performing the activity itself. Could you write about how you would have liked the conversation to go with this girl? Please only Ā do this when you are feeling calmer.
Tbh if i can get close to her and be friends with her, i’d be more than happy…… When i met her that time, i want to ask her how’s she doing now? Because she attends the same uni as me…. i’d like to know what’s her job now……. And also discussing small talks like now the covid situation are much better in our city…..
But all of this doesnt come out from my mouth that time due to fear…..
Have you tried yoga before? It is an excellent way to develop relaxation skills. Learning to properly relax could help you learn to better manage your anxiety.
I hope you take care of yourself in this vulnerable state. You deserve to take especially good care of yourself right now. What are your favourite treats or some comforting / distracting activities that you enjoy?
Nope i haven’t tried yoga, but i went to the gym everyday now…. to improve this short body that i don’t like (i’m trying to accept it, and look for ways for me to conceal my short height (e.g. i wear tall shoes when i went out)) and also to reduce my overthinking by distracting myself to do workouts….. and it’s quite effective for me….
I also like the atmosphere in that gym because most of them are my father’s friends….. so i feel like they wont judge me and i feel safe…..
Most people in that gym also talk to each other and i really like that kind of vibe even if i dont talk to them (i do talk to them, but very little (mostly it’s due to them initiating first))….. i like the vibe because they are people who wont judge me and the atmosphere isnt lonely, whereas at home i usually feel very lonely….
August 12, 2022 at 2:03 pm #405404AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
This will be a different kind of reply, not like the usual where I quote your words and reply with my thoughts, with my best logic of the moment. This will be more of a feeling-reply. After you replied to me previously, saying that you will put aside the topic of ATTITUDE, which I brought to you, saying that you will get back to it, I wondered if you will. I didn’t like the idea that you may never get back to it. When I read your recent posts, I was relieved that you Kept your Word and did return to the topic.
And then, as I read your recent post addressed to me, reading the usual ways you write, “i” instead of “I”, lots of “……”, your way of writing, and I read your unique honesty about what you think and feel, I became aware that I was feeling that I like you, feeling true affection for you. And while in the past, I did not like the “i”s and many “…”- these became nice, likeable… your ways became cute and positively special.
I realized as I read your recent posts, that really, I have nothing new that I can suggest to you, except for this one thing: that I like you.
Now, imagine a girl not liking your height (just as I did not like your “i”s), but because of your unique honesty (however awkward you may sound like in-person), imagine that she starts to like you like I just did. Imagine that she feels affection for you and suddenly… she likes your height, just like I like your”i”- s.
Imagine it, Eric… (I use “…” myself, as you can see).
anita
Dear anita, I apologize for replying late,.. Yes Iām trying to accept the conditions of my life. Iām really trying my best… I know I shouldnāt care too much about that kind of person who underestimated my short appearance and looks, but still Iāll never able to achieve their bodies which is more attractive and taller, and I need to eradicate that kind of dream. I used to dream to have an ideal body when I was still a kid, but I was never given, not even an average height.Ā Even if their personality is filthy, sometimes I envy them, like they can at least experience going to the clubs as someone attractive, while me, itās really hard for me to enjoy that kind of thing. I need to wear tall shoes, etc., and itās still not enough. Iām not saying that I want to enjoy going to clubs, itās just that I need to accept that I won’t be able to experience the feeling of being an attractive person. But day by day Iām trying to accept this, Iām trying to accept this body even though I don’t like it (like a harsh reality)ā¦I’m afraid that girls might look at me as an unattractive guy or she might judge my height. This causes me to be afraid to initiate a conversation,Ā and this habit keeps on going year after yearā¦ I really need to find a solution for my brain, like I prefer a solution rather than accepting. Like I used to be afraid going to the mall wearing sandals, but now I found a solution which is wearing tall shoes, but I still need to find a solution if Iām in someone elseās house, in which Iāll be barefoot, Iām really insecure there.. . I think to overcome fear, I need to experience it first,Ā like the first time will be the hardest, but then the follow up will be easy. Just like how I start learning how to drive a car, at first I fear driving outside the complex, but I force myself and in the end, I don’t feel afraid now. I also used to be afraid of cutting my nails with the nail cutter when I was a kid. I let my parents cut it for me. But then when I go outside my city to enter uni, i need to learn that, and eventually I did learn how to cut my own nails. I use my own method because I still have fear of cutting my nails, so i cut it really slow and safely. But to overcome the fear on conversing with an attractive girl, or a person I feel pressure is not easy because I can’t trial and error, and they could come randomly without me planning how to talk to themā¦Ā I think itās due to the surroundings at my home is very lonely, while at the gym there are lots of people (even if the people who went to the gym every day are the same ones mostly), and people there talk to each other while working out, I love seeing people in my surroundings talk to each other even if I don’t talk. It creates a happy atmosphere in me, this kind of feeling also appears in other occasion, not only in the gym. Do u think this might be because I felt too lonely at my house? Sometimes I also feel less lonely when I’m talking here, like i feel there are people who appreciates my existence, and I’m thankful for that.
Dear helcat, Thank you for your response, and yes Iām feeling much better nowā¦ I honestly believe that I deserve (physical punishment) that so that I won’t make the same mistakes again, and i have to find a solution for it. Thatās what i thought when i hit my headā¦ When i met her that time, I want to ask her howās she doing now? Because she attends the same uni as meā¦. Iād like to know whatās her job now. And also discussing small talks like now the covid situation are much better in our city. But all of this doesn’t come out from my mouth that time due to fearā¦
August 12, 2022 at 2:05 pm #405405AnonymousGuest*Oops: I forgot to delete what’s underneath “anita”. As you can see I edited all the “i”s in it and cancelled all the extra “…”s- this is what I do every time I read a post from you and before I answer.
anita
August 12, 2022 at 9:04 pm #405406AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
Now, imagine a girl not liking your height (just as I did not like your āiās), but because of your unique honesty (however awkward you may sound like in-person), imagine that she starts to like you like I just did. Imagine that she feels affection for you and suddenlyā¦ she likes your height, just like I like yourāiā- s.
I think i understand what you meant by that, but usually i donāt get attracted with those kind of girlsā¦ Do u think this is wrong for me to think this way?
And moreover iām no longer in uni, also with the situation of my office and my daily routine (going to the gym) itās hard for me to find girls iām attracted to, this is why i use social media to engage girlsā¦.
your way of writing, and I read your unique honesty about what you think and feel, I became aware that I was feeling that I like you, feeling true affection for you. And while in the past, I did not like the āiās and many āā¦ā- these became nice, likeableā¦ your ways became cute and positively special.
This is also one of the reason why that i really had a hard time forgetting that girl, she like me not because of my appearance but because she feels comfortable with meā¦.
I really need to find this type of person for meā¦.but at the same time i need to be attracted to her tooā¦. So itās quite hard with this circumstances of mineā¦
August 12, 2022 at 9:25 pm #405407AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
I will be going out of town in the morning (in about 10 hours from now), and I may not be at the computer for the next two days. I expect to read your recent post and reply no later than 60 hors from now.
anita
August 12, 2022 at 9:35 pm #405408AnonymousInactiveAlso there are things iām curious aboutā¦.
Do u think i need to make myself more interesting?, because with all my insecuritiesā¦. There isnāt anything interesting about meā¦. Like my job right now is only helping my parents, iām not that fun to talk too, i have very little friends, i go to the gym only to distract myself, no sports hobby, all i do in my free time is only watching movies or tv showsā¦..
I tried drawing but itās hardā¦ i prefer going to the gym because i didnt have to think much while working outā¦.
August 12, 2022 at 10:25 pm #405409AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
I will be back to your thread/ the computer in two days (in about 60 hours from now (see my post of an hour ago). Maybe sooner. I hope that you have a calm weekend!
anita
August 12, 2022 at 11:08 pm #405410AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
I apologize i didnt see that your post before i posted my second threadā¦.
Thank you for wishing me a calm weekend, I hope u enjoy ur weekend too!
August 14, 2022 at 2:38 am #405416
HelcatParticipantHi Eric!
I’m glad that you are feeling better.
Those are some great ideas for a conversation.
Any time you find yourself wishing that you talked to someone, could you try imagining having a conversation with them instead? The more detail the better… and please continue to write about it.
You are practising very good self care by going to the gym. I’m glad that you feel safe in the non-judgemental environment there and it is helping with your anxiety.
Exercise is a different skill to relaxing. Yoga, meditation and progressive muscle relaxation can all teach people to relax. I would encourage you to try one or all of them and see which you find helpful.
I think that it is important to note that as with people at the gym, you did reply to the girl. You have difficulties with social anxiety. Every time you speak with anyone is a win, not a mistake.Of course, the goal is to keep improving.
I’m going to disagree with you about hitting yourself. You don’t deserve it and hitting yourself is not going to help you learn. No one deserves to be hit. You deserve in moments of stress, to self-soothe. Perhaps, go to the gym where you feel safe? You deserve to feel safe.
I would encourage you to see a therapist. More than anything else, I believe that this will help you learn to manage your anxiety and develop your communication skills.
August 14, 2022 at 5:08 am #405417AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
You can just reply me when you get backā¦
Iām gonna reply again because today iām in my room and i keep wonderingā¦. Which resulting me having these thoughtsā¦
I feel like all of my insecurities are mostly not because of me, and i have to accept itā¦. Feels so unfairā¦.
Like I didnt cause my dadās family to be that messy which results in our family not contacting his siblings at all, and itās not my fault that my mother is a single child because his dad is a single parentsā¦.. Those circumstances results in me having no cousinsā¦. And every time i saw my friends hanging out happily with their cousinsā¦. I get this feeling of sadness and jealousyā¦. And itās not even my faultā¦.
The same goes with my height and appearanceā¦. I didnt ask for itā¦.
But then i was born in this world, and have to live in itā¦. So terrible, i hate itā¦. I have no choice but to live and try to be happy with this given circumstancesā¦. Iāll always have this deep hatred towards this world, always.August 14, 2022 at 8:07 pm #405428AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
I am back home. Yes, you are right: it is not fair. None of the circumstances of your birth and childhood are your fault: you chose none of those circumstances, just as I did not choose the circumstances into which I wasĀ born into. None of it is your fault. Which means that you are NOT GUITY. You are quite an innocent, good young man.
I will write more Mon morning (in about 9 hours from now).
anita
August 15, 2022 at 1:04 am #405434HelcatParticipantHi Eric
Circumstances are neither good or bad. Lots of people aren’t close with their families. Lots of people don’t have cousins. Lots of people are shorter.
What determines how you feel about something is the way that you think and view the world. At the moment, you do so through a lens of depression.
You can learn to change this in time. I think it would be more accurate to say that you feel lonely because of your social anxiety and tendency towards self-hatred. What do you think?
August 15, 2022 at 8:45 am #405439AnonymousGuestDear Eric:
I will answer your recent posts in my old way (quoting you and commenting), but with my new attitude since Aug 12, the new attitude is that I feel affection (a liking) for you as a person. When one likes another person, one is less likely to judge and jump to conclusions, and more likely to listen with an open mind, looking at different angles, not just one, understanding better.
“Iām trying to accept the conditions of my life…Ā my short appearance and looks… Iām trying to accept this body even though I donāt like it (like a harsh reality)… I didn’t cause my dadās family to be that messy which results in… me having no cousins…Ā And itās not even my fault. The same goes with my height and appearance. I didn’t ask for it. But then I was born in this world, and have to live in it. So terrible, I hate it. I have no choice but to live and try to be happy with these given circumstances. Iāll always have this deep hatred towards this world, always“-
-I think that I understand: you hate that you were born into this family, having this body, and never having had any CHOICE in these matters. How can it possibly be fair to be STUCK in what you NEVER CHOSE!?! (I feel angry typing this!).
You’ve been so lonely in your family and you’ve been suffering so much emotional pain because of the appearance of your body, and yet, you had no CHOICE on the matter. It really is unfair!
“At the gym there are lots of people (even if the people who went to the gym every day are the same ones mostly), and people there talk to each other while working out. I love seeing people in my surroundings talk to each other even if I donāt talk. It creates a happy atmosphere in me… Do u think this might be because I felt too lonely at my house?“- yes, I do. Seeing the same people and Hearing the same people talk in the gym, same voices, same stories…Ā feels like Family. The gym is a substitute family for you. I have no doubt that your real family is and has been very unaffectionate: nothing much that is pleasant is happening: neither between you parents, nor between your parents and you.
The GAP between the lonely family that you have, and the affectionate, interactive family that you needed for so longĀ (and never had) is HUGE. And… there is nothing you can do about it: you can’t change your family history (what happened) and you can’t change your parents’ personalities.
“My job right now is only helping my parents… All I do in my free time is only watching movies or tv shows”Ā – you are lonely when you are with your parents, working, and you are lonely when you are not working.
“I prefer going to the gym because I didn’t have to think much while working out“- When a person is lonely, no one to talk to, a person ends up talking a lot … to himself: talking quietly, aka thinking.
If you had interesting and/ or affectionate interactions with people, you’d get to hear yourself talk out loud to other people- that will you feel alive- a very different from the lifeless experience of thinking and thinking… and thinking aka overthinking.
“Sometimes I also feel less lonely when Iām talking here, like I feel there are people who appreciate my existence, and Iām thankful for that“- you are welcome. And I am thankful now that you are here, part of this online family. Although online, the person typing these words (I) and the person reading these words (you) are real people who are engaged in a real, honest communication.
“Do u think I need to make myself more interesting?“- personally, I think that you are interesting enough just as you are. Your thoughts are interesting, your feelings are interesting, your life story is interesting.
I didn’t respond to everything you posted recently, but this here is enough for one post.
anita
August 16, 2022 at 10:47 am #405549AnonymousInactiveDear helcat,
Circumstances are neither good or bad. Lots of people arenāt close with their families. Lots of people donāt have cousins. Lots of people are shorter.
What determines how you feel about something is the way that you think and view the world. At the moment, you do so through a lens of depression.
You can learn to change this in time. I think it would be more accurate to say that you feel lonely because of your social anxiety and tendency towards self-hatred. What do you think?
I tried learning to change how i view the world, like i tried to be happy with my family condition, no cousins, my short body, and my other weaknesses……
But social media always causes me to feel insecure….. like people could post about how big and happy their families are, how most posted a pic of them in their average/tall bodies, hanging out with their cousins….
All i wanted is only to reach “average”….. but this world says otherwise…..
I dont have an average amount of cousins (i have none), i dont have an average quite big of a family, i dont have an average height……
Yes you can say i feel lonely is due to my social anxiety, but it’s mostly caused by my height…… i keep being cautious on how people might perceived me as “below average” when they look at my height, so i mostly spend my time at my room…….. Even in my uni days i didnt went to a club, although i wanna try enjoying it like how young people does….. But i know it’ll be pointless for a short guy, it wont attract anyone…..
I have difficulties in swallowing food, and this isnt my fault at all…. it happens when i’m 1/2 years old…… Which causes me to have to drink water every time i swallow…. This “might” cause the lack of nutrition, that causes me to be short…. but im not sure either…..but it doesn’t matter anymore, i cant change my height…..
I’m very sensitive on my weaknesses…..
Like for example when i thought of chasing a girl, i keep wondering why do i have so many weaknesses, and there are irreversible ones like my height and family issues…. Although i have lots of weaknesses, i always aim someone with a good quality…. like i keep wanting a high quality girl with an appearance that i like….. This makes it harder…… Most people with weaknesses arent picky…
I keep comparing other people’s happiness with my flaws….. (like families, etc)….
August 18, 2022 at 12:27 am #405592AnonymousInactiveDear anita,
I think that I understand: you hate that you were born into this family, having this body, and never having had any CHOICE in these matters. How can it possibly be fair to be STUCK in what you NEVER CHOSE!?! (I feel angry typing this!).
Youāve been so lonely in your family and youāve been suffering so much emotional pain because of the appearance of your body, and yet, you had no CHOICE on the matter. It really is unfair!
The GAP between the lonely family that you have, and the affectionate, interactive family that you needed for so longĀ (and never had) is HUGE. Andā¦ there is nothing you can do about it: you canāt change your family history (what happened) and you canāt change your parentsā personalities.
= Yes iāve been suffering from all these matters, and i have no one to blameā¦. Thatās why i keep getting mad and try to hit myself if i expose these weaknesses to peopleā¦. Because i dont want them to look at me as an inferior person.
I keep getting mad at myself if i failed to conceal my height or failed to hide my family situationsā¦. I want to them to label me as an average person thatās not inferior to themā¦.
I know most people would say that i shouldnt feel that way, but i cant change how they thinkā¦. Generally people would label a short person, messy family situations, lesser financial status, etc as more inferior to themā¦. And itās a factā¦
Most of my parentsā friends gave me that kind of look (that judging look) when my parents told me im their childā¦. And it hurtsā¦. I know they mustāve judge my heightā¦. I always get these kind of first impressions, and i hate itā¦ itās not my faultā¦.
I told my parents that im not confident in chasing girls because of my height, but they keep telling me that itās okayā¦.
They said that because they didnt experience being meā¦. They didnt feel how most people give that kind of first impressions to meā¦.
If you had interesting and/ or affectionate interactions with people, youād get to hear yourself talk out loud to other people- that will you feelalive- a very different from the lifeless experience of thinking and thinkingā¦ and thinking aka overthinking.
= Yes this is totally true, i always feel happy if all my surroundings are people that i know (i can talk to them casually) and i didnt have to talk much to them, but all of them keep talking to each otherā¦. Idk why i just felt a warm vibe in those situationsā¦
personally, I think that you are interesting enough just as you are. Your thoughts are interesting, your feelings are interesting, your life story is interesting.
= You really think so? Personally i still feel like im a boring personā¦. added up with my weak communication skills, insecurities and social anxiety makes it even worseā¦. But i tried to make myself less boringā¦.
At least i do gym now, but i still cant do other fun activities that most boys do like badminton, golfā¦. And iām a person who tends to give up easily if it gets hardā¦.
Although i only do gym now, deep down i feel so happy that i found a character in myselfā¦. Something that i do like most average people do, And im hoping to find moreā¦.
Tbh few days ago when my maid in my house was sick, i have to help with washing the plates and etcā¦. I never done that before, i even feel useful when i did thatā¦ like i gain an ability which might be useful when i have my own familyā¦ i could help my wifeā¦.
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