Dear Eric:

I noticed that you didn’t post for two weeks. During these two weeks I wondered about you, what you might be doing, how you are feeling.

“Regarding the girl I’m obsessed with, today I muted her posts and stories on Instagram so I’ll not see any of her life… and I bet she’ll also notice how I stop viewing her stories“- seems to me that you muted her posts not only so that you don’t see any of her life, but also so to send her a message, by muting her, that you are not viewing her stories.

“Few days ago I keep posting stories to impress her, creating stories with lousy captions because she likes lame jokes…“- before you muted her, you tried to get her attention by posting your stories with lame jokes. Then you thought to yourself that other girls reading your stories may not like those lame jokes and be unattracted to you.

“she didn’t even reply to me“- a month and a day ago, on June 19, you felt that she posted a song that was meant for you (“I can’t stop thinking of her singing that song….. I feel that I know her, and that song is meant for me… I’m pretty sure this feeling is true”), and I replied: “sometimes we need to believe that something is true so much that we deeply feel that it is true, even though objectively, it’s not true. This kind of feeling-thinking is called Emotional Reasoning: we reason something to be true because we emotionally need it to be true”, and in another reply I advised you the following: “If she didn’t contact you directly and tell you that she has feelings for you and that she wants to date you- assume that she does not have feelings for you and that she does not want to date you. Don’t rely on what you think she thinks and what you feel that she feels. Rely on her direct actions instead”.

Back to your recent post: “I think it’s for the best…. If I muted her so that I can cut off every hope with her…. It’s really hard” – I agree that it’s for the best and that it is or will be really hard for you to keep her posts muted.

“I don’t want to act like a fool and keep posting that kind of stories only to impress her” -it’s not foolish for a young man to try to impress a young woman in whom he is interested. It is foolish only if you continue to try to impress her by sending her a 4th story after she didn’t reply to your 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

Think of your actions in terms of purpose. You posted the first few stories with lame jokes for the purpose of getting her attention and impressing her enough so that she replies to your stories. She doesn’t reply? – Abort the mission: stop posting stories with lame jokes.

“I really want to cut those feelings…. I’m so so disappointed in myself….. Starting today I’ll kill all those hopes“- notice the words you use in regard to your feelings: cut those feelings, kill all those hopes. These are violent words. It means that you really hate these feelings. But these are not bad or dangerous feelings that need to be cut and killed.

The more you hate your feelings, the more they will stay and the more power they have. So try to not hate these feelings, and to not be disappointed in yourself for feeling anything at all that you feel, including love, longing and hope. Instead of fighting against your feelings, direct your actions with purpose in mind.

“Whenever I have thoughts about her, I cant focus on my life… all I’m thinking is that she’s the future for me…. And it’s insane if I keep thinking that way“- obsessive thinking is insane, I suppose. There are psychiatric medications that are prescribed to people who suffer from obsessive thinking. Some of those medications … cut off the obsessive thinking like a pair of scissors, making it possible for the person to focus on one’s life.

Not long ago I mentioned the NPR strategy to you. Here it would apply this way: Notice when you think about her, Pause, Redirect your attention elsewhere. Incorporating mindful breathing and guided meditations with the theme of mindfulness will help.

“I hope I can find someone better than her, regardless of my insecurities and weaknesses“- I hope you find a young woman who is a good person, kind and caring and who would love you. All men (and women) experience insecurities and weaknesses: some focus on their insecurity and weaknesses more than others. Focus on your strengths and you will be better for it.

“These past few weeks I have several conversations with people older than me, and I realized that (in) relationships…both must have the same core value, clear vision and mindset for the future, All of it must align…. The more I think of it, finding the right person is a really hard task“- I agree and will add that the mindset of the two people in a relationship cannot be identical and perfectly aligned. It needs to be close enough.

You can make a loving relationship happen in your life when you (1)  Avoid emotional reasoning, (2) Accept your feelings instead of hating them and fighting them, and (3) Put purpose into your actions, (4) Focus on your strengths, not on your weaknesses.

anita

Dear Eric:

Thinking about you, Eric, hoping you are okay, or even better than okay…?

anita

Dear Eric:

“I won’t text her ever again… I also won’t post any stories with lame jokes or something like that anymore, I’m done with doing those kind of things to impress her“- wise choices, I say!

“Right now I’ll post stories to impress other girls“- you have real strengths to impress them with (ex. of a strength: your ability to make wise choices, such as the above).

“Tbh liking her is one of the greatest mistake I ever did in my life, it really disrupts my mind and giving me lots of anxiety….. Because she’s a girl with a bit of coquettish attitude and has attention seeking traits“- (1) it wasn’t really a mistake to like her, because liking someone (or something) is not a matter of rational choosing. It’s a feeling. (2) I am guessing that this means that in the future you will not try to impress another girl who is coquettish and attention seeking?

It will be helpful if you have a clear enough picture in your mind of the physical and/ or mental traits to look for in a young woman.

“You said that I need to focus on my strengths, I feel like I’m still not good at communicating with people… and I feel like I need to improve it…. Because I never dated anyone in real life…. my only experience is texting by phone“- I noticed a long time ago that you are pretty good at communicating with people right here on your thread, including in your most recent post: (1) you address me kindly (Dear anita) just as I address you, (2) you thank me, (3) you show me that you read what I wrote to you by quoting and responding to it, and you have let me know that you paid attention to my NPR suggestion and applied it: “and yes i did use the NPR method here”,  (5) you ended your post optimistically, perhaps because you know that I encourage this attitude.

All you have to do in real life is transfer the 1-5 above to your future relationship with a young woman: address her in a way she likes to be addressed, thank her when she says or does something kind, listen to her and show her that you listen to her by repeating something she said, and showing her that you took what she said seriously enough to apply it. These are big items of good communication that you can transfer from one medium to another.

“Few days ago I went to a temple, I pray so that I will be guided to the right path of my relationship life“- excellent: you took a real-life step (away from the computer/ phone) toward your future relationship!

“I pray that I’d be given an easier path to meet the right person that I’ll marry one day…. And I hope it’ll be someone that I really in love with… and vice versa“- it can happen for you: you have what it takes to make this happen!

“Tbh sometimes I’m also grateful for all the life lessons that I’ve learnt till now…. I can manage my emotions better now. I just hope that all the anxiety I’m feeling everyday could be reduced little by little“- this is the optimistic ending of your post, which I referred to: you acknowledged that you learned life lessons and that you made progress in managing your emotions,  you expressed gratitude and your hope for reduced anxiety.

I said it before, and I’ll say it again: I am proud of you, Eric!

anita

Dear Eric:

It is getting late here. I read just a bit of your recent post and will  be back to your thread Wed morning, in about 10 hors from now.

anita

I will try to get rid of the excess print in the post above:

Dear Eric:

You are welcome.

“What I don’t like is… she told me she’s not ready for a relationship but acts like she’s desperate for attention, it doesn’t make sense…. I prefer girls with a bit calmer side“- you prefer (1) girls who do not act like they are desperate for attention, girls who are calmer when it comes to seeking attention, (2) girls who are honest: when they say that they are not ready for a relationship=> they don’t seek the attention of guys. What they say (their words) and what they do (their actions) needs to fit.

Did I understand correctly?

“Yes, I can say that I’m pretty good at communicating with people ‘online’, because it’s easier…. Whereas in real life I’m not that confident with my body and facial features… so I keep being cautious when I talk…. Like I don’t want people to make sure I have asymmetrical teeth when I laugh… And also when we talk on real life we need to think faster” –

– it will take the courage to overcome your self-consciousness= the nervous or uncomfortable feeling that you have when you are worried that people think negatively about you.

I want to make a little research on guys’ self-consciousness when it comes to girls, I hope that you have the patience to read it (I did minor editing of punctuation and pronouns for easier reading):

girls ask guys. com/ What are guys self-conscious about when they’re around a girl?: (3 of the answers):  (1) “Mostly if I’m being weird or not. I can be a bit awkward at first and don’t really like small talk, so I sometimes worry that I give too much of an awkward and anti-social vibe. Then I guess, like everyone, I question if she thinks I look good or not etc.” (2) “…I was self-conscious of many things: my looks, how I smelled, what I said, how I danced, was I physically strong enough, breaking the touch barrier, trying not to come off as a creep, staring at her breasts too long, lack of fashion with my clothes.” (3) “Everything”.

pyar. com/ 7 ways to avoid feeling self-conscious on a date: “If you are single and looking for a potential partner, you’re likely familiar with anxieties of dating… At times, however, this social anxiety, shyness or fear of rejection ends up holding you back. It prevents you from having the love life you want. Reduce and control those feelings with the following tips.

1. Admit your anxiety… identify where your anxiety comes from and address it… 2. Don’t hide your anxiety… Keeping your feelings a secret will only make you more anxious…  Telling your date that you’re feeling nervous will ease your mind, and your date will probably respond positively… especially if she feels the same way…. 3. Practice some relaxation techniques…  before embarking on your date… 4. Have a positive but realistic perspective- If you are worried your date will be critical of you, remember that she is probably just as nervous and hoping it will go well… 5. Focus on having fun… pretend you’re hanging out with an old friend… 6. Focus on the other person. Really pay attention to what your potential partner is saying. Listen to her words. Read her body language, expressions and eye contact. Focus on communicating with her… Stay outside of yourself and ignore your internal reactions. This helps you to engage more, because you are less preoccupied with your own anxiety. 7. Learn something new from her… What can you learn from this person? Be curious about her life. Also, offer something about yourself that you particularly like…”

* On another website I read a list of what guys say that girls are self-conscious about when it comes to dating guys: “messy hair… ugly laugh… freckles… blushing..  teeth… glasses.. her eyebrows don’t being symmetrical.. scars… height, or lack thereof.. exceptionally tall women and exceptionally short women…  women tend to be self-conscious about their height… thick thighs.. imperfect noses… small boobs.. snorting when they laugh.. big boobs.. no tan.. shyness”.

psych alive. org/ self-consciousness: “self-consciousness often describes an exaggerated focus or uncomfortable attitude we have about ourselves and how we are perceived..  it can alter our behavior in ways that aren’t representative of who we really are or how we would naturally interact…

“As human beings, we exist in a highly social environment. How we’re seen is important in determining whether we’ll be chosen – be it for a school, a job, or a date. However, nowadays, we seem to live in a culture in which we are more visible than ever. Social media and the new pressures that come with it can cause us increased levels of anxiety and self-consciousness, as we no longer just have concerns about how we’re perceived face-to-face, but how we’re represented virtually…

“Our critical inner voices are embedded in our earliest childhood experiences and are reinforced throughout childhood, adolescence, and into adulthood…

“When people feel self-conscious, they often express fears of standing out or making a fool of themselves. Common ‘voices’ expressed in relation to self-consciousness include: *You’re so ugly. No one wants to look at you. *You’re boring. You have nothing to say. *You’re so awkward. You make people uncomfortable…. No one will ever love you…. Ugh, you just made a fool of yourself. They’re laughing at you… When we listen to our critical inner voice, we tend to become more self-conscious. We may take its advice to isolate ourselves and not take chances or put ourselves out there, then punish ourselves with critical thoughts like, ‘You’re such a loser’…

“So, how can we reduce our self-consciousness? 1. Stand up to your inner critic… Identifying your specific voice… Reflecting on where these negative thoughts may have originated… Responding to your inner critic with a realistic, compassionate point of view…2. Treat yourself like a friend… 3. Keep your sense of humor… 4. Remember that it’s all in your head- In something known as the ‘spotlight effect,’ researchers found that ‘people [often significantly] overestimate the extent to which their actions and appearance are noted by others.’… If we can accept this reality, we can free ourselves of a lot of unnecessary self-consciousness. 5. Embrace vulnerability as a sign of strength Researcher Brene Brown… pointed out that ‘vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.’ Allowing ourselves to be seen for who we are can feel scary… The more we can embrace being ourselves as a sign of strength, the stronger we will feel in everything we do. Vulnerability may seem like an unlikely adversary to self-consciousness, but it is one of the most important tools we can adopt to make real connections and feel more comfortable in our skin.”

* Please take your time, Eric, reading, re-reading and reflecting on the quotes above, and then let me know what you think.

“Another thing… relationships about an act of a man persuading a woman to follow his life? Because in my culture here boys are most likely to stay in the same city with his parents or live in the same home. To take care of them on their older days. Whereas girls have more freedom so they’ll join her husband’s house… There are several girls in my city that I find attractive, but most of them attend uni outside my city or a different country nearby my city… and I bet they plan to work there (not on my city)… and this is what worries me the most…. Idk if they’ll get persuaded to be with me… My city is small and boring… Do u have any opinions regarding this kind of situation?“-

– (1) In my communication with women from India, having a similar culture to yours in regard to the above, they have more freedom when it comes to not having to stay with their parents, but they often do not experience freedom living with the husband’s parents. Many wives get mistreated by the husband’s parents with whom they live every day, (2) As far as persuading a woman to live with you in your small and boring city- some women like small and boring, I do. I prefer a small town over a big city. I prefer to be around a few people and avoid parties and events where a lot of people attend. I prefer quietness and avoid loud noises and loud music. There are other people like me, of different ages, including your age.

anita