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Anxious, confused, exhausted

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  • January 29, 2019 at 7:44 am #277569
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    No she did not.  She seems to be stable, although he doesn’t talk much about her.  I find her bubbly, calm, and nurturing.  He seems to have a lot of frustration with his father.  I believe he is still very angry with him.

    January 29, 2019 at 7:59 am #277577
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsusual:

    Here are a few possibilities:

    1. He doesn’t want to be like his father and is heavily invested in not cheating on his girlfriend/ future wife. He is also invested in not being aggressive, unlike his father, being gentle, maybe overly so, to make sure he is the opposite of his father.

    2. He may feel guilty providing financially for you, feeling he is betraying his mother by not providing for her and instead providing for you, similar to his father providing for his new family, not for the old  one. (Is he helping his mother financially?)

    3. He sees his sexual drive as something dangerous that may lead him to be like his father, cheating, and that may interfere with his sexual performance.

    What do you think?

    anita

    January 29, 2019 at 9:33 am #277593
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    All of these are possibilities.  His mother is financially stable and has a great job, but I know that he feels for her and what his dad did to her.  I think his biggest issue is unresolved anger with his father and as you mentioned, a strong desire to not be like him.

    January 29, 2019 at 10:22 am #277605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    His strong desire to not be like his father is your best bet that he will not cheat on you, that should calm your anxiety on that front.

    His unresolved anger toward his father might be what is wearing him down, exhausting him so that he doesn’t have the motivation or energy to exercise, play sports, and… maybe even exhausting his sexual energy. Ongoing anger is a powerful force that does exhaust people.

    I hope that you are not encouraging him to be in contact with his father and to resolve his anger with his father via such contact. It is probably better that he doesn’t have contact with him because unless the two of them attend therapy together with a good therapist, the issues are not likely to be resolved, they are greater than your boyfriend can handle. I think best if he will attend quality psychotherapy to address and resolve such issue while not being in contact with his father.

    I hope his mother has not been talking to him about her frustrations with his father, not when he was a child and not now. If she does, she is feeding his anger toward his father. He doesn’t need more of that.

    anita

    January 29, 2019 at 10:23 am #277607
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    January 30, 2019 at 4:02 am #277705
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    They have been in contact for years now and we have visited him together.  His mother and father do not really communicate.  However, I can tell that after visiting his father he has a lot to talk about and some frustrations.  They have gone on recent trips together, etc, but there is definitely some lingering tension.  I am hoping he continues to open up about these things with me.

    We did talk yesterday and I wasn’t able to talk about everything I needed to, but I could also feel him feeling somewhat defeated so I stopped.  I didn’t bring up with ED, I feel like he needs some more time, that’s the energy I felt anyways.  I talked about how I would like him to call if he is out that late, talked about some boundaries with drinking that I think are fair (and he agreed), spoke about my anxiety and how it can make me paranoid, and inquired if he felt he was not brought up in a home that openly discussed emotions.  He agreed that his family did not talk about their emotions and I explained that my did.  I am very emotional and he is at the other end of the spectrum, and I talked about us trying to meet in the middle so that we can communicate better.  He nodded and smiled throughout, but it looked like he felt he was ‘getting in trouble’, and it made me very sad.  I did my best to stay calm and I also owned my part and pointed out how my anxiety negatively affects us.  He said he agreed with everything I was discussing and stated that he didn’t have anything to add.  I woke up feeling kind of sad today.  I started to hyperfocus on the sex stuff this morning, but slowly bringing myself back to calm.

    January 30, 2019 at 4:23 am #277709
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    You did very well during the talk with him, not bringing up the ED topic and not talking too much when you felt that he was defeated, low in energy, I am impressed with you.  I think it is fair for you to expect him and let him know that he needs to call you if he is out late, and it is also fair to talk with him about boundaries with drinking.

    And I agree that it seems like he probably felt he was “getting in trouble” and cooperated with you so to get out of trouble with you, being too agreeable. “stated that he didn’t have anything to add” sounds like he felt that he was interrogated, or getting The Talk from an authority figure.

    Regarding his anger at his father and relationships with his father on one hand and with his mother on the other, pay attention to his energy after he communicates with either one, how he behaves right after and whether he feels better after a period of no contact with either one. A conflicted, distressing relationship with a parent is very powerful in a child or adult-child’s life and therefore is very exhausting. Over time a person gets depressed when the same distress repeats and never gets resolved.

    anita

    January 31, 2019 at 3:36 am #277837
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Thank you again, Anita.  I noticed some anger building yesterday.  Resentment too.  We are supposed to go out of town together to go explore this weekend and I am fearful this will follow me there.  I don’t want to ruin the weekend getaway.  I just want to be desired.  I hate that I feel whiney and neglected, like a child.  He knows this is hurting me, and I feel like he doesn’t even care.  I am making this all about me, I know, but I am frustrated.  I am feeling the need to detach from him, which makes me nervous.  I have that feeling that I need to just run before I am hurting too much.  Any tips for focusing on myself and allowing him to have his process?

    January 31, 2019 at 4:54 am #277839
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    You are welcome. You wrote: “I just want to be desired… I feel like he doesn’t even care”.

    Regarding you wanting to be desired, will it/did it satisfy you if he attends to you sexually in ways that don’t require an erection-was that discussed, suggested or offered (please don’t give me sexual details, I don’t need or want details)?

    And what specific behaviors or lack of behaviors on his part indicate to you that he doesn’t care?

    anita

     

    January 31, 2019 at 6:11 am #277845
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    He hasn’t attended to me in those ways that do not require an erection, and we have not discussed that at all.  I would like that, but not sure how to even approach that.  The lack of sexuality makes me think he does not care, and I realize that sex does not equal caring or love.  It’s just very confusing to me.  I feel like I am supposed to just act like everything is okay with how things are right now, which is also very frustrating.  I wonder if he even thinks about it?  Does he wonder, “hmmm how is she feeling since we haven’t been sexual?”  I feel like he is acting like everything is normal, when it is not.

    January 31, 2019 at 7:48 am #277861
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    The problem is bigger than sex, there is not enough communication between the two of you.

    You wrote in your earlier post: “I am feeling the need to detach from him.. to just run before I am hurting too much… I feel like I am supposed to act like everything is okay… I feel like he is acting like everything is normal, when it is not”-

    -Cleary everything is not  okay and not normal, so do not pretend it  is. He may pretend it is and it works for him but it doesn’t work for you to pretend that way, and it wouldn’t work for me, if I was  in your shoes.

    “Does he wonder, ‘hmmm…”-  when good communication happens, you don’t wonder what he thinks about, you ask him and he answers, no more wondering.

    “Any tips for focusing on myself and allowing him to have his process?”- but you don’t know anything, really, about “his process”, what process is it, if any, that he is engaged in? Communication regarding his process didn’t happen yet.

    My input this morning: present to him the sexual  issue: tell him that you are interested in the two of you engaging sexually in a particular way (give him the details), a way that requires effort on his part, but does not require him to get or maintain an erection. Listen to what he says and let me know what it is, okay?

    anita

    January 31, 2019 at 8:43 am #277873
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    Excellent points.  It’s absolutely true, communication is not happening.  I wonder why I am so fearful to bring up these topics?  I am curious if I am disappointed because this isn’t working out to be the fairytale romance I thought it was.  Girl meet boy, boy and girl fall in love, girl and boy have so much fun together, boy and girl move across the US… I believe I felt that this is where I have been disappointed.  Things didn’t stay as they were, and relationships evolve.  That new relationship high has withered away, as it does, and I am left with raw human imperfection and an imperfect relationship.  Also, I feel disappointed that he rarely, if ever, comes to me to talk about things.  It feels very one-sided which in turn makes me feel like I am nagging or creating drama.  I will have this conversation with him, but I am not sure when.  Maybe this weekend would be a good time when we are away from home and only dealing with one another.  I appreciate you.

    January 31, 2019 at 9:17 am #277877
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    Thank you. I appreciate you too.

    “Things didn’t stay as they were”- things don’t feel the same when Fantasy slowly disappears and Reality appears. When that happens, we have to have the courage to look Reality in the face, see it for what it is, find out more about what it is, and then decide what to do  with it and about it.

    If we ignore reality, closing our eyes to it best we can, holding on to fantasy, what happens is that reality doesn’t ignore us,  it keeps being what it is. Ignoring it, our distress grows and grows until we can’t take it anymore and we leave the situation.

    Don’t ignore it, examine, pay attention, find out more. Try this and that and see how he responds, if he responds. You can’t find out what you need to find out in a conversation with him, like the recent one where he was trying to get out of trouble. You do it here and there, gradually. You have to be patient.

    You will learn all that you need to learn with a bit of time, but take an active role in the learning process, don’t just wait for things to happen.

    It will take courage for you to suggest to him what you are considering suggesting, but do  it anyway, best you can and let me know how he responds. If at any one time you are dumbfounded, not knowing what to say to him, don’t say anything. Figure it out later. Let me know of the situation, if you want, and I will help you through it.

    anita

     

    February 4, 2019 at 3:16 am #278543
    AnxiousAsUsual
    Participant

    We talked!  It went so well!  We talked about ED and our relationship in general.  It was such a fulfilling conversation and the weight that is lifted off of my shoulders feels incredible.  In brief, there is a history of intermittent ED and he is now experiencing some depression, as well as lack of exercise and poor diet – which he states is contributing to both.  He mentioned that outside of sex we aren’t intimate and I have already seen a change in him trying to be more intimate in our general life.  He also helped me clean the entire house, put on my favorite music, and cooked.  He did initiate and he had trouble, but the fact that he did all of these things makes me feel so good.  Now…my pattern is to switch to a new source of anxiety so I am working to stay in the moment and not create chaos where there isn’t any!

    February 4, 2019 at 6:41 am #278555
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

    I am glad you had an honest and thorough conversation, excellent!

    It feels good to communicate honestly and I hope the two of you continue to do so as well as to “be more intimate in (your) general life”, including cleaning the house together, cooking and so forth.

    Let’s look at the information you gathered from the conversation:

    1. He has “a history of intermittent ED”- this means that he is likely to continue to experience times of ED, as in lifetime.

    2. He is experiencing depression.

    3. He believes that his lack of exercise and poor diet is contributing to his ED and depression.

    4. He felt distant from you for a while, not intimate or close in your “general life”.

    – over time, as you consider making a life with him, you will figure out

    -if you are okay with having a partner who suffers from intermittent ED, if the sexual relationship between the two of you, including no-erection required activities, is satisfactory for you and for him

    -if the two of you continue to have honest, intimate conversations and operate as a team.

    -if he will improve his exercise and diet

    -if his depression lifts and your anxiety is manageable.

    anita

     

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