Hi AnxiousAsUsual,

I know exactly how you feel.  I was in a same situation before – sex life with ex bf was great, then it became twice a month thing, then once in 3 months, until I had to leave since I no longer feel loved. I know I am pretty and smart.. and sexy cause I’m a weightlifter as well haha. What’s happening with both of you is more common than you think. There are people who are much prone to low sex drive when stress levels are changing and there are people like us (or just me) on the other end of the spectrum who wants more pleasure (from food, sex or anything) when stressed.

Now my question is, do you guys have other issues that have been pushed under the rug? Or what exactly is he stressing about? If you can answer these, then you might be able to help him out.

For now, don’t take it personally. Remember that everyone has their own unique set of behaviours and this just might be his way of reacting to stress. It’s important for you to get to know this part of him. Don’t assume that things will magically work out for both of you just because you guys are officially together, don’t fall into that trap. People are constantly changing.

On the other hand, you might want to start to think about what’s negotiable and what’s not in a relationship for you. Write it down if you have to. Sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, but it is very important. I don’t see a point in having a relationship with someone else if you’re gonna sacrifice a huge part of you.

Lastly, I don’t think someone needs to have OCD or GAD to be triggered by this situation. It’s already alarming by itself.

Thanks,

Justine

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Justine.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Justine.

Dear AnxiousAsusual:

Clearly, moving to a different state distressed him and he is still distressed over the move, plus your focus on his sexual libido and performance is distressing him as well, as you stated yourself: “my anxiety is also  a libido killer for him”.

But there is something else, that GAD and OCD you placed in parenthesis: your “VERY high sex drive” may be related to your high anxiety. The sexual exchange relieves your anxiety, doesn’t it, temporarily, that is?

It is possible that you need sex as much as you do because this is the way you experience relief from ongoing distress, aka anxiety, that ongoing state of fear, of disquiet.

If you agree, if this is the case, then you lowering your anxiety level on a daily basis will lower your desperation for more sex, and reduce the pressure you place on him and the relationship.

What do you think?

anita

Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

If you want your relationship to continue, to not end, I recommend that you drop any and all pressure on him to have sex with you, to have more sex with you and that you don’t bring up sex at all. If you want the relationship to continue, that is.

You do  have the option of course to break up with him and seek a relationship with a different man who  is highly sexual and has a history of being highly sexual (that will be evidence that he is less likely to be reactive to stressful circumstances by developing ED symptoms or otherwise, expressing lower libido.

But if you want this particular man in your life, well, I gave you my suggestion in my first paragraph above. Can you do that, can you put aside sex altogether for a while, a long while maybe, and give him the space to be, to initiate and respond to conversations with you about daily distresses, gently brought up, no pressure, be friends at this point. And if he approach you sexually, then take it from there, but express none of your sexual expectations for future encounters, lay off any and all pressure?

anita

Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

You are welcome.

Sometimes that what loves requires, the willingness to sacrifice, at least temporarily. But this sacrifice,  in this context, is your best bet in getting what you want long term, sex and otherwise. Post again if you need to. I will welcome reading from you and replying to you again.

anita

Dear (Less) AnxiousAsusual:

What a delight it is to read your post. Excellent goals for this week. Notice that you will not necessarily perform as well as you did yesterday, so please don’t get discouraged. The key is to notice and correct. For example, you noticed that you just said something pessimistic, and don’t continue that talk. Quiet down, pause and later talk about something else, or give him a kiss. Or you noticed that you said something  that pressure him, pause, maybe apologize and correct.

What often happened, and it did with me, repeatedly, is that when I made a mistake, it felt to me that I failed and all was lost, that I made a mistake so what is the point of trying.

Success in changing behavior is to notice and gently correct, and persist.

Another thing: there will be a time that you will be doing well, and yet, he will be distressed. Don’t give up when that happens. Nothing that you do can eliminate his distress at all times. Persist, adhere to your goals.

You wrote: “I am a notorious pessimist and complainer”- it is not a life sentence. You can change that, again, with persistence. Notice and gently correct, and then, again.

anita

Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

This obsessing is fueled by that ongoing fear aka anxiety. Obsessing, shifting obsessions, is also a  habit-of-the-mind. It is how your brain automatically operates at this point, and has been for a while. Habits are difficult to break. It does take “notice and gently correct”. It also takes reducing your daily anxiety by let’s say, taking a fast aerobic walk outside, half an hour each time, maybe twice a day, when especially distressed. Maybe guided meditations, theme: mindfulness will help, other mindfulness practices. Quality psychotherapy to examine your anxiety as a child will help.

In any case, it is difficult work, to do what you are doing, even if it is for one week  only. It does take persistence, evaluating what works, what doesn’t work, what to change etc.

Post anytime if it helps you. I do want you to succeed in this week’s goals and continue making your life better after this one week.

anita

Dear AnxiousAsUsual:

An excellent progress report! Keep at it. His growing affection for you, you can lose it at  one time of significant regression to past behavior, so cherish your success and continue what you are doing. Indeed you are an awesome woman!

We do feel better about ourselves when we are clear, not confused and when as a result of this clarity, we behave effectively. There is no substitute to feeling confident in our ability to understand what is going on and practice self discipline, the ability to behave in ways that will serve us well.

anita