Cass and Anita, thank you you so much for this. I will return here during the trip to read your advice and guidance. I appreciate this so much, my mind has been going crazy, comparing, playing out scenarios and just being nasty to me. I feel a lot better today, and I’m definintely going to pack all of my feel good things like books, iPad, and music. You guys are very sweet and I am glad I reached out, makes me not feel so alone.

To answer your question Anita, I have. He has said that I can go back to the room at any point alone or with him whatever I need. He is a nurturing and providing person so I doubt that will change on the cruise. I think it just hurts him I have been so worried about this trip. I am trying to just accept that this was my decision, and now I need to go an experience it day by day. This is the furthest I’ve been away from home and the longest so it is very nervewracking.

I’d like to specify that the person I am refering to is my boyfriends BROTHERS girlfriend haha. Not my boyfriends girlfriend.

But yes Anita I have been using your affirmations and they have been helping so much. I will be reporting back soon and let you know how the trip is going. I leave in 7 days.

Also, Anita. My anxiety is coming back, do you have any book recomendations of powerful women, fiction or non fiction? I think that would greatly help during this trip.

What I mean by powerful women, I mean a women who is inspiring, full of strength and just wakes up and decides its going to be a good day, takes oppurtinities, isn’t afraid to speak for herself and talk to others, gets through everything with the grace of knowing herself and knowing her capabilities, someone who shows other women to take care of theirselves, and lifts other women up instead of being judgemental or tearing the other down. These are just some qualities that I have been wanting to integrate, reading fiction books about these type of women make it easier to demonstrate in my life in a way.

I will do that, I’m not sure how much social I can be today because of school. But I will do that over the next few days and report back. Thank you Anita.

Hey, I couldn’t use internet the whole time I was out there. I decided I’d write back and update on everything. It wasn’t a good vacation. I mean there was a few good moments but I am never doing that again. I need land and internet, and just being grounded.

Anyway, the whole family (I feel) likes the brothers girlfriend more than me. For some reason there is something I find ingenuine about her, she’s constantly feeding off the attention of others and is kind of like a chamelion if that makes sense. I am honest and real, I’m not going to kiss anyones ass for approval or fake something that is so obviously forced.

I didn’t have any of my resources so I wasn’t behaving or acting my best that is for sure. My boyfriend thinks everyone loves and me and everything is okay I wasn’t acting weird. But I felt discomfort and not belonging the entire trip. It makes me sad because I look back and I feel guilty for not being able to be in the moment and be more grateful when I was out there but when I am far away from home for too long I get grumpy and uncomfortable it’s just how I am, I am also quite the introvert and need time for myself completely alone. I don’t know why I thought this would be different. It really made me consider whether this is the family I want to marry into.

At some points I felt a connection but most of the time the other girlfriend really just had their attention and energy. I kind of just felt like a shadow.

This trip has inspiried me to live my life unapologetically. I am the way I am and I do not need to change for approval or attention. As soon as we got back my boyfriend and I went on a hike, and I’ve been back to my yoga routine. I’m thinking about going to counseling because I hate not feeling enough and I felt that way the whole trip it was the heaviest feelings I have ever felt. Anyway, I wanted to get that all out. Despite everything that happened, I feel inspired and ready to embrace the way I am and take my life back.