Thank you – honestly I appreciate both your help 🙂 funny thing is you two sound like exactly what’s going on in my mind – one side (Anita) telling me she’s purposely hurting me and there’s no way of looking past it and then the other (Dina) telling me it’s me and that I should see it all more clearly without the insecurities.

Anita – thank you. I don’t believe she intentionally tries to hurt me to be honest although that’s how it feels. She’s a bit clumsy with her words and speaks without thinking. She’s told me how she used to be lonely in the past and she’s never had any friends which is something she’s craved – just meaningful friends and acquaintances . Thus, whenever someone shows kindness she finds it hard to not be the same back. She’s possibly one of the kindest and most generous soul you’ll ever meet.

Dina – God knows where I’ve found you but thank you greatly. Almost everything you’ve said is how my girlfriend described it to me – that the game was nothing and it was just because work was so boring that she made it up to kill some time. One thing I left out of my original post is that I know 100% that as fun as she may have found him, she’d never cheat on me and he would never do anything like that out of respect. Me and him spoke not so long ago – he didn’t sound at all bitter and if anything, encouraged me that what we had was good and I should put a ring on her finger! I guess hearing about her getting close to another guy bothered me – friend or no friend.

After it all happened, I did speak to her and put it bluntly like you said. I told her what she’d done to hurt me and how it bothered me – she cried, told me she’d regret it forever and that she’d never seen it that way and the only reason she’d talk about him is because she thought I knew he was a friend and she’d never go for him, let alone have any romantic feelings towards him. She promised to not ensue any other closeness with other guys or mention them – that she was quite happy with me being the only guy she ever gets close with, telling me she needs no-one else. I can’t seem to let go of the past though? If she had played this game with any other guy but this guy she kept talking about, I doubt it would’ve bothered me as much.

Regarding the beginning of our relationship – that’s what she also explained. With both of us being Muslims, dating is practically forbidden and she explained how she wanted me to make her feel more reassured and that what we had was worth breaking all her rules/practices for – that one day it may lead to marriage. She’s a hopeless romantic and I was her first whereas I’d had countless relationships before, just not with a Muslim girl as I knew what it’d mean. I took a chance on her and that’s why it breaks me so much when I think how much I’ve bettered/changed myself to be ready and the guy who could give her what she wants.

You said you suffer from insecurities yourself – how do you get past them? If I want to get past this how would I go about it? Sometimes it feels easier to just believe the worst and let her go but I honestly don’t want no-one else.

Thank you again,
Adam

@newlife123: Thank you again. I guess with previous relationships I’d never felt so attached or liked the girl as much as I do now. Also past girlfriends haven’t really tried to make me jealous in that way either – when she’d talked about the guy at the beginning of our relationship, it’d always make me question and maybe that’s where my insecurities stemmed from – like I said even hearing his name now can still make my heart drop. I’ve always felt like I fear commitment though, whenever a relationship got past the 6+ months stage I’d always question if I really like her? If she’s who I want? I’d search for the wrongs and I guess knowing that there’s a lifetime commitment here probably makes me question more and feel even more frightened.

She’s always been sure though – she tells me how she’s lucky to have found someone like me and she’d want nothing more than to have me as her life partner. That’s why she’d make me jealous at the beginning because I’d always shut down the marriage conversation and always remind her that ‘it was just abit of fun’ whereas she’d always wanted more.

That’s the other thing; I’ve spoke to her about it and she’s promised to change her ways like I said in my last post – she’s told me she realises she doesn’t need anyone else and she understands how no boyfriend would enjoy hearing about another guy so much.
My trouble is forgiveness. How do I look past it all? How do I stop the insecure medley thoughts in my head? Ive turned it into such a big deal in my head that I find it hard to look past – to the point where I’d think about it even when with her.
I’ve told her I forgive her in the past, a week or two passes and we repeat the whole argument again. I’m tired of it and I can’t begin to imagine how she feels knowing she’s never had feelings for any of these guys yet I’m picking on her because of it.
Funny thing is if it was the other way round, she’d have no issues in forgiving me.

@seekingsatisfaction I’d love to hear more from you if you don’t mind – your perspective really helped too.

What would you say about her wanting to keep the item? When I told her it bothered me she asked if I wanted her to throw it away but again, I made it out like it didn’t bother me and didn’t want to sound like the controlling boyfriend. In my eyes, she knew it bothered me and she should’ve taken the steps to throw it away, not ask me.

Thank you again,
Adam

@seekingsatisfaction: 🙂 I’m glad – honestly. Your post was as if my girlfriend herself had written it up and trying to make me see sense!

That’s true – my fear is if I was to break up this relationship is that I’d carry these new thoughts and fears into my next relationship as I said to Anita. I don’t want to be that guy that controls his girlfriend and doesn’t allow her to have/speak about other friends. Again, as I mentioned to Anita, this is probably the first relationship which has meant a great deal to me with the others being flings – so communicating has and will help. After we talked she definitely understands how much it’s all bothered me and sounds keen to rectify her mistakes as I’ve explained.

I’ll definitely try that – I know she’s not meant to hurt me by the things she’s said/done but I completely feel the same in that I feel ‘angry/upset/irrational’ at times. Once I feel like that I feel obliged to make her hurt in exactly the same way which is a personality trait of myself I hate. I can’t stand being hurt, especially not by the people I hold closest to me. This is the same in all my relationships – be it my parents, friends or girlfriend. A personal question: After he’s giving you a sane and loving explanation, how do you get over the things he’s done that have hurt in the past when anxiety keeps creeping in?

Thank you – you’ve made me see it clearer especially with the sacrifices she’s made. When I did talk to her bluntly about it, she did tell me that I shouldn’t expect her to just know; she’s not a mind reader which is true. She laid out plans that whenever either of us felt hurt/upset, we’d not just assume the other person knows and rather speak to one and other – not attach blame or assume the other person intentionally set out to hurt but to hep understand what they meant.

The thing is when she has hurt me in the past with the jealousy at the beginning and guy at work; I’ve held onto them and it feels like I’ll never move on at times. Whilst right now we’re doing what you’ve suggested in giving it time, deciding to speak less and give each other some space, I’m not sure if I’m slowly moving on and getting used to the idea of not being with her; without her I feel alot calmer and anxiety free yet I can’t see myself moving on with anyone else. Whereas when I’m with her, I feel at my happiest but soon after my anxiety and fears return.
If you read my reply to Anita you’ll see I can really relate to what you said in your post ‘Why can’t I be satisfied?’ – looking for excuses to leave and always having doubts whoever I’m with. The question of magically ‘just knowing’ is something that really makes me question! But like I said, I’ve not been with a girl before who makes me as happy, understands me or care for me as much as she does.

I appreciate the time you’ve spent to help massively – both you and Anita 🙂

Thanks, Adam