Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Anxiety: The Blur
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December 26, 2017 at 11:06 am #183737
AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
Good thing you had a good holiday weekend. Mine was fine.
Such intense anxiety is a chemical habit of the brain, and so, it does require becoming “aware every maybe 5 minutes or so”, reminding yourself that “everything is actually fine”- otherwise, you keep feeling danger is real and present and “time is running out”.
Every five minutes or so, imagine that hug, the hug your friend’s aunt gave you this Christmas, that truly caring hug. Close your eyes, breathe and feel that hug. Let it calm you, calming chemicals replacing the fight-or-flight chemicals, for that moment.
Then, five minutes later, or so, do it again.
anita
December 26, 2017 at 1:50 pm #183757
cali sisterParticipantanita,
why is it that i keep getting horrible results from dating and yet i continue to do it? is it true that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?
i am obsessed?
December 27, 2017 at 5:56 am #183837AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
You are human, first and foremost. Humans need to connect to other humans. This is nature, not obsession, not insanity.
You “keep getting horrible results from dating” because of the injuries you still suffer from in the context of the most important relationship in a girl/woman’s life, the one with her mother.
Got to heal from those injuries and you will be able to date successfully, connect successfully and do your part in choosing the right man for you and then developing a healthy relationship with him.
anita
January 4, 2018 at 9:50 am #185029cali sisterParticipantHi anita,
It appears my sister is writing again. I am glad. In reaction to your post, it made me feel emotional. I was waiting and waiting for your response but I think I overlooked the email notification! I am glad I finally checked! Let me update you on some things:
New years eve – i had a true breakdown (yet again) – instead of going into the details let me explain my conclusion which I shared with my sister this AM.
This is MY life. not my sisters. not my parents. mine. when i think of myself, i see this tortured soul following what im supposed to do because it is what society is telling me to do. i cannot anymore. i refuse. i am miserable. i want to be free. i want to be excited for my future not hate everything about it. i have made the decision to not immediately pursue a pharmacist clinical career after this year of my post-doctorate training. i have time. i will do something i love. will be happy. i will volunteer. i refuse, REFUSE, to just do the next normal step. i need rest. i need a break. i cannot do it anymore.
and let me tell you something – i am so happy. i am so excited. i love ME. i cannot wait!!!!!! im excited for me. i can make me happy. i cannot wait to wake up and not hate what i have to do. i have 6 months left here – and i will finish strong. i am very, very smart. i know i can be an extremely successful as a clinical pharmacist – i can be one of the best. but not right now. it is not the time or my time for that right now. it is time for me and my mental health.
the man that i talk about and stood up to – lets call him…Alex. To remind you, he is the one that i cannot seem to shake off. does he communicate the way i would want? no way. but when i am with him, something is just so great. i just cannot shake him. i am seeing him tonight. but as i was telling my sister, i am excited to see him, but even more excited for ME. that now i can finally just do what i want. i CAN be happy. i CAN take a break. i am so inspired by those people who were in a horrible job they hated and just quit and changed their life. is it easy? no. but i am willing to try. i am not saying i will never be a pharmacist. but right now i need a break. ive been studying since 2010. i cannot anymore.
anyway, though as i was saying, i was trying to make the point that my focus of the entire day is not ALEX. it is an exciting part of my day, but now there is something bigger than boys. it is me – and the reason i finally found this focus is because i took a step (mental step) that i can create my own next steps. i do not have to do what is supposed to happen next in my career.
cali sister
January 4, 2018 at 10:32 am #185043AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
I like your attitude and resolution. I think it is the right thing for you to do, to take a break, to evaluate and then, re-evaluate. It is indeed your life and it is true, you can be happy, you can be excited; your life can be about you, you being in the center of your own life!
And like you wrote, it wouldn’t be easy. But I am excited for you nonetheless. It is exciting for me, when a person decides to take herself out of the margin of her life and place herself in the center of it. Be the authority of your life, make your own thoughtful choices.
It is good you didn’t think of Alex the whole time so far. But do think just a little so to plan the date, to form your goal for the date, and plan ahead. This can be very helpful and you are welcome to do it here, wherever and however works for you.
anita
January 4, 2018 at 12:08 pm #185077cali sisterParticipantanita,
I am glad that you are excited for me. “Be the authority of your life”
What do you mean by do think a little about Alex? About what specifically?
cali sister
January 4, 2018 at 12:53 pm #185079AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
I was referring to what you wrote in the post I was replying to. There you wrote: “I was trying to make the point that my focus of the entire day is not ALEX”- Now that I am re-reading it, I think I misunderstood it. It thought you meant that you thought a little of Alex so far today. Maybe what you meant was that you it was your aim not to think about him a lot, to not make him your focus. Am I correct?
* Will be back to the computer in about seventeen hours. I hope to read from you then. Take good care of the authority of your life.
anita
January 5, 2018 at 8:06 am #185189cali sisterParticipanthi anita,
I meant more so that my entire day focus was not only him – I tried at least. I become hyperfocused sometimes and it takes away from the day. So yes you are correct.
I saw Alex. And it went great. Very great. and I was my complete self (as much as I know of myself at least).
Authority of my life. I do fear that since I have an interest in Alex, it will make me more vulnerable, of course. I just do not want it to hinder my progress forward.
calisister
January 5, 2018 at 8:21 am #185193AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
Every good experience you have is a good thing. We don’t trust something unless we experience it. So remember the date with Alex, remember you experienced a good date and so, more good dates is possible for you.
In your progress forward, you will have times of significant distress, times where you will feel so badly, that you will figure something like: I am not progressing after all! I am back to the way I was!
This is a misunderstanding of the nature of progress of this kind, a misunderstanding that causes people to give up. It is at times of feeling badly, of distress that most progress takes place if you don’t give up; if you behave effectively during those times.
When feeling distress (and you will), endure it. It is part of progress. Accept it best you can and do not react impulsively to the distress. Do not do the same things you did before when distressed.
Over time and practice of enduring and not reacting impulsively, you will feel less distress and more calm. But it will take a long, long time. Time and practice.
anita
January 5, 2018 at 8:30 am #185195cali sisterParticipantanita,
I am tearing at your responses to my sister’s post.
“No, it was not your mother’s search for validation that rained on your parade then and keep raining on it. It is the same old same old motivation: relief at the expense of another. Like a person angry and breaking something, a relief. People break their children in a similar manner.”
WOW. I have never thought about it this way, just as my sister said she has not. She breaks us for her own relief. How so terribly horrible. As we speak, (or I type I guess) my mother texts me. Recently when my parents contact me and if I am in public, I find myself cursing at them out loud. As if I want everyone around me to know they are horrible people.
I know I try to escape from myself my stimulating myself externally. Especially recently. I sometimes make 3 plans for one day and at each plan that I am at, I am stressed to leave for the next one. Or if I am at plan #1, I am texting the people for plan #2 trying to organize. I am never able to just be in one plan at one time and be ok with the fact that it will end and I will go home. I have been over extending myself socially.
This may be too personal, so you can defer. However, I just wanted to ask – did you ever do something like what I want to. Just take a break? Stop going up that “normal” pathway?
January 5, 2018 at 8:32 am #185197cali sisterParticipanthowever, TO THIS DAY, when i think about my mother sometimes, i still feel so bad for her. my heart drops and i think “poor mother of mine”
January 5, 2018 at 9:07 am #185205AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
As to your last post, that “poor mother of mine”-
Your sister shared something similar long ago. Children naturally feel empathy for their mother.
A loving mother will not take unfair advantage of that empathy, to misuse it so to relieve herself from her distress, from her suffering, however temporarily.
It is that empathy for our mother, when misused by the mother, that keeps us locked in sickness.
As to your first, recent post, the social overextension reads to me like running away all day long, pretty much. Flight is one of the three responses to fear. Fight and Freeze are the other two.
Regarding your question to me, you are referring to your share of yesterday, that you are planning on taking a break and not pursue a pharmacist clinical career after this year. You asked: “Did you ever… stop going up that ‘normal’ pathways?”- My answer: I never experienced a normal path in life, like I was normal, not in any way I can think of. So no, I didn’t start a normal path and therefore, I didn’t stop. If I read your story when I was your age, I would have thought you were so very healthy, for having been able to achieve what you have so far, education and career wise, so early in life. I would have thought that you were so very normal, so very fortunate.
I have a better understanding now.
anita
January 5, 2018 at 9:14 am #185209cali sisterParticipant“We are overly present but not present in ourselves”
THIS STATEMENT is exactly how I feel. how my sister feels.
I had to share that because it just popped in my head.
Anyway – you are saying you WOULD have thought I was so very normal. And so very fortunate. What do you think instead? Or what do you know now instead. I am not sure I understood.
January 5, 2018 at 9:37 am #185217AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
I used to think that worldly success, such as earning a PhD, carrying on a professional career, meant that the person was emotionally healthy.
Currently, it is my understanding that you were emotionally well enough to earn your PhD and to be working in your field but you are not emotionally healthy. To be emotionally healthy means to not suffer as much as you do. And you do suffer a lot.
anita
January 5, 2018 at 11:26 am #185243cali sisterParticipantanita,
yes, this is why i think it is all pointless and i need a break.
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