Dear cali sister:

Dec 5 you wrote: “I have this intense pressure to enjoy things. If I go to a concert or any event- the entire time my brain is yelling at me and forcing me to be like ‘are you happy? Are you enjoying? Do you feel stress free? Is this the best thing ever? When I listen to a song and love it- the second time I listen to it I pressure myself to feel the same initial I did.”

And when you spend time with your puppy, your brain is yelling at you: you are not giving it all! You are not doing enough for your puppy! Or the like.

I think you are “all over the place” because your brain is yelling at you in any one place, so you escape to the next, only to be yelled at again.

Who is doing the yelling: some call it the Inner Critic, I refer to it as the mental representative of the parent that did the yelling. A child’s mother, during the child’s formative years, becomes part of the child’s brain, doing her bidding, continuing her work.

I had a similar voice myself, the mental rep of my own mother. Had, I wrote, because the screaming seems to be gone, but only recently, weeks, maybe a couple of months, don’t know exactly. I didn’t know for many years that there was a voice screaming at me, I was just terrorized all day long, except for those much needed breaks I took daydreaming or otherwise distracted.

anita

Dear calisister:

Nothing convinces us something is possible for us until we experience it. You experienced your victory with the guy you shared about. You are now ready for more victories. This is the way to go. Be prepared for the imperfection in human performance, your own imperfection. It will not be an easy sailing experience. Don’t give up, persist, gain more positive experiences. The more positive experience, the more yet that you will have. Same with spending your work day without escaping- no perfection. Persist, don’t give up.

At best it will take months for you to experience a dependable, stable enough improvement. Got to keep going through the distress, in the midst of distress. Keep going.

anita

Dear calisister:

Thank you for sharing the articles you find useful. I no longer read articles, blogs, books as it interrupts my inside-out type of learning, that is, using my experience instead of other people’s understanding (an outside-in type of learning). I hope the tiny buddha journal of gratitude is helpful to you and to your sister.

Two sisters can help each other but it is not a therapy situation because of lack of objectivity.

Losing memory is a symptom of anxiety, lots of dysfunctions are results of anxiety. Anxiety robs us from so much.

Till your next post, I wish you and your sister take good care of yourselves.

anita

Dear calisister:

If your question is: did my parents teach me anything that was correct, true to reality and therefore good for me? Then my answer is: yes, because even a broken clock is correct twice every 24 hours.

They must have been correct some of the time.

Here is the problem: they, your mother in direct ways, inflicted so much anxiety on her daughters that this anxiety drowns anything correct and positive she has ever expressed to you. Aggression does that. Aggression destroys.

And so, let’s say she told you at one point and even repeatedly, that she wants you to be happy but then rained on your parade with put downs, accusations, and so forth. So now, when you go to a music concert, you rain on your own parade: am I enjoying it? Am I having the time of my life?

So what is the use of telling you that she would like you to be happy if she destroys that very ability in you by … well, by destroying.

Notice, there is no question mark at the end of my last sentence.

anita

Dear calisister:

Regarding your first paragraph: I remember from reading about narcissic parents and people online that those sources clearly suggested that so labeled people purposefully behave in the ways they do so to achieve their objectives. From my experience (the inside-out learning), the great majority of people do not operate in such a cold, calculated way, having their own objectives clear in their mind and then going about achieving those, a scheme, the word you used. If it was so, then abusive people would be happy people, having achieved their objectives. Abusive people generally do what relieves their distress short term but long term they suffer from their own actions. They do not have clear objectives in mind, a long term planning.

Regarding your last two paragraphs: nightmares is yet another result of aggression against you. When your mother said that she was going to drive on highways and “who cares if I die”- this is another way to say what she said: Calisister, I want you to wonder from this day on, every time you don’t see me, I want you to wonder if I am driving the highways getting killed, and I want you to know that it is your fault, that it is probably something you said or did … or failed to say or do. And I want you to be on edge. To live on edge.

Connecting this with the beginning of my post to you: she didn’t say the latter because she probably didn’t plan it, was not calculated that way. It just made her feel good to say it. And she didn’t care it was hurting you.

anita

Dear calisister:

Dealing and healing from anxiety is, I think, the most difficult task there is. It is more difficult than climbing the steepest mountain, crossing the driest desert…. it is the greatest challenge there is.

Why nightmares now? Anxiety is not limited to one way of expression, it is creative. There are hundreds of expressions. Maybe more. Expressions change over time- this is  how people fit different diagnoses at different times while the root cause for all is the same old, same old anxiety.

Regarding your parents/ my mother being evil… they know what they are doing habitually is harming their own children. They know and they keep doing it, no different than any other habit: it is difficult to stop.

Anxiety is a habit too, a habit of the brain, it releasing certain chemicals that make us feel so badly and reduces our functioning in so many ways. The quickest way to change this chemical habit is of course, to take an overpowering chemical, a tranquilizer. Short term, creates more problems over time. But necessary at times.

The longest way is the very long path of healing. It requires persistence and lots of patience. It is Possible, with Patience, Persistence, Persevering.

anita