Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Anxiety: The Blur
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December 5, 2017 at 7:12 am #180611
AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
You compare yourself to your friends, is that it? Wondering why they have (or why they seem to have) the relationships that you want for yourself?
anita
December 5, 2017 at 7:17 am #180613
cali sisterParticipantAnita
not at all. I’ve just always loved the idea of romance and sharing a life with someone. And for someone that is such a romantic, I feel sad that I have not been able to happily experience it.
December 5, 2017 at 7:41 am #180615cali sisterParticipantI have another statement. That my sister and I are discussing.
I have this intense pressure to enjoy things. If I go to a concert or any event- the entire time my brain is yelling at me and forcing me to be like “are you happy? Are you enjoying? Do you feel stress free? Is this the best thing ever?”
When I listen to a song and love it- the second time I listen to it I oressure myself to feel the same initial I did. Where does this pressure come from? It ruins my ability to enjoy
December 5, 2017 at 7:56 am #180617AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
Maybe that pressure is about your massive suffering in between the moments you expect to feel pleasure, so you are holding on to those moments with desperation: this is a rare opportunity to feel pleasure, so am I? Am I? Got to feel good before this opportunity is over and I am back to anxiety and displeasure!
Is that the thinking, you think…?
anita
December 5, 2017 at 8:04 am #180621cali sisterParticipantAnita,
yes that is exactly it. It is so horribly exhausting
December 5, 2017 at 8:08 am #180625AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
The best you can do for yourself at any one time is too relax best you can. Relax, again and again. You find yourself tense- relax. repeatedly.
Did I say repeatedly? Yes, repeatedly. That may be exhausting too but there is hope in this aim.
Regarding the relationships you are sad for not experiencing, you still can, it is possible and probable, over time.
anita
December 5, 2017 at 8:10 am #180629cali sisterParticipantSo in that case – in regards to the relationships – how do I not hyperfocus on it
December 5, 2017 at 8:21 am #180631AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
When you hyperfocus on not having had a loving relationship with a man, what are your specific thoughts?
anita
December 5, 2017 at 6:24 pm #180681cali sisterParticipantAnita
i thought I responded to this but I don’t think it posted. When I hyperfocus I think about how much I want someone to share my life with and want romance but it stinks I can’t have it. And I just wish I had that partner I’ve dreamed of since I was a little girl.
December 6, 2017 at 5:51 am #180767AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
I would say, to not think so much about how much it stinks that you can’t have the romance you dreamed about since you were a little girl, plan on how you can have a loving relationship with a man. First, examine the dream you had since you were a little girl, see if it realistic. After all, children employ magical thinking. Re-define your expectations, that is, figure out the nature of the loving relationship you would like to have, how it will look like, how it would sound like.
Then plan on how to make it happen, how to bring it about. (and how not to go about it, looking at your past experience)
anita
December 8, 2017 at 12:23 pm #181117cali sisterParticipantanita,
hello – thanks for the reply. yes i try to do that mentally and i am getting better at it. i try to make the practice of self-love a lifestyle. i am making small baby steps towards this.
the man that i stood up to during my little victory works in the same building as me. today, i found myself being hypervigilant – scared he would appear anywhere and see me. i have been on edge all day and am even avoiding walking in the halls as much as i can so i do not run into him. he never reached out or apologized. i feel hurt by that – he did not want me back, even though he was in the wrong. although i am proud of myself for “having the power,” i still feel hurt and my self-esteem has been a little injured. although i am the one that ended it, i am scared to see him.
another thought – this new puppy i have kind of fell into my life when i am not really exactly ready for the responsibility of a puppy. Now, i am the biggest dog lover that i have ever met (ask my sister!) – so i struggled with this concept a lot in the beginning – my feeling of well “oh my, you have a dog now so shouldnt this make you so happy. and shouldnt you spend more time with him? and you shouldnt get tired of him and want to do your own thing bc you love dogs.” Today i looked at my adorable puppy (he is truly too cute!!!!) – and i accepted the fact that he came into my life not at the perhaps right time for me to fully have him in my life. But, i looked at him and finally accepted it. I told him, “its ok. we will get thru this together.” I hope i struggle less with this concept of still wanting to go out and finally having some freedom from crazy mother and life and finally dating and having friends – i struggled bc i thought how do you want to leave your puppy – you just got him. BUT ITS OK. I do not have to stare at him all day. and yes, raising a puppy IS HARD. it is ok that i feel it is hard and it is ok that every moment that he with me at home i am not petting him. having him at home is giving me a lot of anxiety and stress bc i constantly feel like i am not feeling the way i should about him (i should be happier and more overwhelemd with happiness when i seee him at home and all i should do when i go home is play with him)- but if i do not always want to play with him i feel that i am being a bad caretaker. i am in constant stress about him.
i apologize for the stream of thoughts – but this is how it all plays out in my head.
December 9, 2017 at 7:24 am #181187AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
You are in the habit, reads to me, of rejecting your own feelings. It is a tough way to live. I know, I lived that way, still catch myself rejecting my feelings, declaring them, in my own mind, to be bad, unacceptable.
Our redemption, so to speak, is in accepting our feelings, not judging them, not rejecting them. When I catch myself doing the latter, I tell myself: it is okay to feel this way. There is a valid message in what I feel, something that is good. I just have to find out what it is.
For example, you not feeling like spending too much time with your puppy, the valid message may be that you suffered so much in the company of your mother that you don’t want to get stuck with anything or anyone and therefore, empathy is what you deserve, your own empathy for yourself.
How sad it is that a girl, instead of being safe in the company of her mother, instead of being accepted, approved of, is rejected and attacked.
It is not that you are a bad person then, for needing a break from your puppy; it is that you suffered a lot. The latter is the valid message, isn’t it?
anita
December 9, 2017 at 9:21 am #181209cali sisterParticipantAnita.
That was perfectly on point. My sister and I read it on the phone together. I will try to stop rejecting so much.
Let me paste here my diary entry from last night to this morning
I lay in my bed crying. Releasing. And suddenly I have a moment of clarity again. I’ve felt alone my entire life. Tortured by family. I’ve felt like an orphan. Never really had anything. Yes you have to be strong yourself and find it all within you but is it so much to ask to just have some sort of support system. Never had the family. Never had the friends. Of course I’m searching for something to fill that void. I’m trying to find it in a man bc idk where else to do it. I refuse to take find it within you an answer. It’s not fair. I deserve to have that support. That feeling of love and safety. I’ve never had it. Not for my entire life. Can anyone in this world give me any respect ? Please.
Parents and others have always made feel uneasy and unsafe.
Sometimes these moments feel good. Bc I feel like I can actually feel something that’s real and not forced into
Now it’s the next morning. I feel a little better. And I’m glad I let it out. I feel like I can do this. And can conquer. Why these sudden mood changes?
December 9, 2017 at 9:54 am #181215AnonymousGuestDear cali sister:
“Find it within you” is not the answer, I agree with you. I will explain: we are social beings, born that way. A child cannot possibly feel safe unless she experiences safety in her family of origin. As that child grows up and becomes an adult, she still needs to receive that feeling of safety from a healthy, loving relationship, from an interaction with the outside, with a person outside of her.
This safety feeling is necessary for mental health. Without it anxiety persists.
These “sudden mood changes” have to do with that lack of safety. Safety is like the ground underneath you, there is stability in it. When not safe, you don’t have that reliable ground underneath you, so you fall a lot, then you get up, sometimes having moments of clarity and hope, a ground underneath you, only it doesn’t last and you fall again, hence the mood changes.
Key is to have a safe, loving relationship soon enough. Can’t be done with any of your parents. Needs to be elsewhere.
anita
December 13, 2017 at 12:15 pm #181993cali sisterParticipantanita
i understand what you are saying. and i hope you have been well. i hope to have this safe relationship soon enough – the most difficult part is how to cope in the meantime.
with regards to my puppy, i have gotten better with some aspects. however, i am still unable to enjoy his company sometimes bc the entire time i am questioning if i am really giving him my all.
i always feel all over the place – when i’m doing one thing, i feel like i should be doing something else. i would love to just feel content in the here and now.
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