Dear Cali sister:

I know you are a clinical pharmacist, having a PhD.  SSSRIs then didn’t work for you.

It so happens that as I typed the above sentence and after I did, I was eating carrot. I like carrot and like to pay attention to eating it when I do. I don’t like my mind to wander and miss the experience of the carrot. What happens in my brain when I miss something I want to enjoy, is what you described before, kind of beating yourself up for not enjoying (you mentioned such in the context of a music concert).

There I had it, a few thoughts that took me away from the carrot, then some beating myself up, then some anger… Following that, I was thinking, what am I going to write Cali sister about her undesirable thoughts, this obsession?

Share with you my very process during this very post. I was lost for a few moments in thoughts, then thought about the thoughts beating myself up for thinking them (instead of focusing on the carrot). I finally noticed that I was lost in this thinking. I noticed the self beating.

I wonder if you too feel this pull toward self beating, as if… it has to be done. If you do:

Notice the self beating over the obsessing and put the whip down, figuratively. Disengage from that pulling force. Think about something else. Do not struggle with that pull, argue with it, engage with it, but instead, disengage. Leave it alone for just the next moment, at the least.

The loneliness, your intense childhood loneliness that I mentioned in my last post to you. Did you share it in therapy, I wonder. I can’t imagine you didn’t. We talked a lot about anxiety (the title of your thread is “Anxiety: The Blur”). But there is also the anger, the anger at being left alone.

What about the anger?

anita

Dear Cali sister:

“Learning to Love”- the little Cali sister, the little girl that you were did not need to learn to love, she was naturally loving, trusting and loving. Then life happened, an unfortunate childhood experience, a betrayal of that trust, acute loneliness, alone with strong emotions, anxiety. So now, it is about Learning to Love.

Learning to love whom- is a very important question. More important than learning to love is the whom part. Because it was the object of your love (your parents) that caused you this anxiety, anger and loss of love in your life. Better not love your parents, at least, not aim at it. Not again. Where will that take you…?

The men in your life (you refer to them as boys, I wonder about that), reads to me that it has been jumping into something with them, whatever that was, and quickly being drowned in obsession and anger. There was no … sane time there to get to know the man.

Getting to know the man is necessary so to choose wisely the object of your love, so that you will be Learning to Love the right man.

anita

Dear Cali sister:

Loving the world… what does it mean, to love the world with your words and actions?

anita

Dear Cali sister:

I hope you succeed in becoming “happier inside and out”. If you practiced this and “outcomes are phenomenal”, then keep practicing it, that makes sense, doesn’t it.

anita