Dear Cali sister:

You are welcome. Upon further thinking, I believe (and it is my belief, for you to consider if you will, evaluate it if you want to) that at this point a closer relationship with your sister is not a good idea, not for her well-being and not for yours. Even though it feels like a good idea, for you.

I remember that you asked me long ago to not refer you to her thread and not refer her to your thread. I told you that I will not and haven’t. I don’t and will not share with her what I communicate here with you, and will not share with you what I communicate with her. And so, I will not write her that I don’t think it is a good idea that you move closer to her. I will not interfere this way. (If she brings this up, if she initiates the topic, then I will respond to her regarding what she will being up to me).

And so, I am writing this to you, with my understanding of you and her. It is a bad idea for you and for her that you move closer, that you talk more often, that you spend more time together. Not at this point and not anytime soon.

You wrote: “I need to be somewhere where I know I will be able to feel safe”. Problem is the lack of safety is a feeling you lived with all your life, with your sister and away. It only felt safe at times. I do believe you need social support, absolutely, just not your sister’s or your parents’.  A support group you can meet regularly would be a good place for you, where people talk and listen respectfully. Maybe other types of groups that socialize, get together for outings.

anita

Dear Cali sister:

* A small correction to my last post to you: “I will respond to her regarding what she will bring up to me” not “being up to me”.

So you feel more isolated and confused by posting here today? Too bad. I wish it wasn’t so. I suppose you won’t post again anytime soon?

anita

Dear Cali sister:

I asked if you will not post because I thought you expressed that our communication this morning lead to you feeling isolated and confused, feeling worse than you felt before this recent communication with me.

I remember you shared that were you live currently, it is a tourist attraction of sorts, a place very much in nature, a beautiful place… So you are considering moving to New York, close to NYC, where your sister lives and… where your parents live?

anita

Dear Cali sister:

It is perfectly fine with me to put the one topic away and attend to your obsession, absolutely.

Not only do I relate to you feeling as anxious and as often as you do, I can also relate to the obsession itself. I experienced it myself, very similar to what you mentioned. It was excruciating.

I suppose you want to figure out a way to no longer be obsessed this way? Of course the quickest, easiest way is to have no contact with the object of your obsession, that is the man himself. When not in contact with this or that man, in the past, the obsessing stopped, did it not?

anita

Dear Cali sister:

I think part of your obsession has to do with that day dreaming we talked about earlier, imagining being popular, having many friends, remember? It is a different kind of day dreaming, but yet, it is a make-believe, day dreaming kind of an experience and so, it is a way of distracting yourself from loneliness, from what is not happening in your life. In that obsession, in that imagining, something is happening.

Another part to it, I am thinking, is your great desire to feel special, to be Number 1. And that is, of course, very understandable having been a lonely (and still lonely) child, being left alone, as you shared, your parents leaving you alone on their vacations, especially at the time your dog died. Alone in your sadness and grief.

To be Number 1, to be worthy of being attended to, to be worthy of being chosen, means to not be alone.

What do you think so far?

anita

Dear Cali sister:

It saddens me that you suffer so much.

What fuels the obsession is your intense lonely experience as a child (still ongoing), severe emotional neglect, not being attended to, and therefore your intense desire to be attended to. When we lack something severely, our desire is also severe, or intense.

When I experienced a similar obsession and for a long time, I saw a psychiatrist for that reason and was prescribed Zoloft. SSRIs are often prescribed for OCD symptoms. At the time the obsessive thinking was greatly improved almost immediately, for me. The Zoloft (300-400 mg per day) sort of .. cut off the obsessiveness like a pair of scissors.

You mentioned taking anti depressants. I wonder if it was or is an SSRI (Zoloft and Luvox are often prescribed for OCD) and if it worked any?

I also wonder about your psychotherapy. Doesn’t read like it is helping you so far and it has been months. What is happening there?

anita

Dear Cali sister:

I will be away from the computer for some time, don’t know how long. Will read and reply to your recent post when I am back.

anita