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Anxiety: The Blur

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Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 338 total)
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  • #189463
    cali sister
    Participant

    I would love to quit and find another route for my career. Which I know I can and have the credentials for. But what would I do to make money in the interim. I also fear my parents. And my sister

    #189465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    At this point I am not suggesting that you quit or that you don’t quit. I am suggesting to look at your fear for a moment, your fear of your parents and your sister.

    What consequences do you fear will happen to you if you quit and not attend the rotation?

    anita

    #189529
    cali sister
    Participant

    It is the middle of the night. I’ve made a decision to take a leave from the program. Not quitting. But asking for a mental health leave. It shouldn’t be this distressful to live. It just shouldn’t. I took myself to a movie today. The entire movie I cried. I cried the whole way home.

    I am so unhappy. Just so extremely unhappy. For what? Nothing. Isn’t my well being more important right now?

    I wanted to make this decision a while ago. One of the main reasons I haven’t is because I fear, yet again, being a burden to my sister. And I fear her, yet again, thinking there’s always something up with me. But this is my life. I cannot keep living like this. I have made this decision on my own. Without parents. Without her. I saw myself today. I felt the body pain today so intensely. I felt the anger so intensely. I am MISERABLE.

    My body hurts so much I can’t move. It’s like I’ve been lifting bricks. I cried so much I didn’t know I had that much liquid in me. My anxiety made me crazy today. No. Not anymore. This isn’t for me to be this way.

    I don’t want to feel tortured anymore.

    this isn’t just about not being able to do a job or having generalized anxiety. This is ME. This is a real problem. I am hurt. Traumatized. Severely. And I need healing time. I truly need to heal.

    #189571
    cali sister
    Participant

    I contacted my director. And we are speaking tomorrow. One of my mentors invited me over to her house tonight. Very nice of her.

    I cannot help but think about telling my father. I feel worried about money. If I tell them, it will be a horrible disaster. I don’t have to explain this. You know. But maybe I should just tell them. For my own selfish reason. So I can stay economically secure during this time. In order for me to do that – I have to accept their influence. And I also will have to ignore their statements. They will say “well this happened to you because you moved and you’re all alone there. This wouldn’t have happened if you stayed”

    when I was suicidal last year before moving away , they kept saying I was we because I lived in my own apartment etc. they then stated how it’s a horrible idea for me to move away because I will be worse and alone

    it’s interesting. They are the cause of this  and I want to reach out to the cause for help

     

    #189573
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    Congratulations for taking your own pain and your own well being seriously enough!

    Does taking a leave from the program means that you will be financially dependent on your parents? Do you currently have a financial debt to your parents or will you be incurring such (or to you sister)?

    anita

    #189575
    cali sister
    Participant

    No I have no debt to anyone. My parents paid for my schooling so I have no loans. When I moved out last year, I would have needed help financially because a resident salary and living on my own was not enough money so I decided I would take a loan. My father did not allow me to and said I could basically “loan” from him. Does this make sense?

    Jt is under the idea that when I am done with tranining, I will pay him back because I will have a lucrative salary

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by cali sister.
    #189583
    cali sister
    Participant

    Also I actually need to heal this time. Make it a priority. Not just look for another job. That is continuing the cycle and it will not work. I have to do something else

    in order to deal with these processes, I will need money. If I want to go on a retreat, I will need money. Should I just tell them? I have no idea how to. They will not understand obviously

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by cali sister.
    #189589
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    I suggest you separate your financial affairs from your relationship with your parents. That is, the two need to be separate.

    Your freedom to live your life without all this unnecessary pain and suffering is your responsibility, your job, to make it happen. Do not compromise that freedom.

    The debt to your father, pay it to him later than expected. He can handle it, can’t he, delayed repayment that is?

    Again, it is your job to make your life tolerable. Better even, a good life. Don’t compromise this duty you have, your duty to yourself. It is the right thing to do.

    As you proceed with your plan to take a leave from the program (something you considered before), you will experience some distress. This is the problem with doing the right thing for yourself… at times it feels like the wrong thing. Got to stick with the right thing through those times, when it feels wrong.

    I think it will feel wrong when you forget that what your father thinks, what your mother thinks, even what your sister thinks is way, way less important than what you think is right for you. As a matter of fact, what any of your parents think is an indication of what is wrong for you to do (they have proven their wrongness as far as what is right for you to  do, many times).

    anita

    #189591
    cali sister
    Participant

    I understand. I don’t owe him right now. That’s not an issue.

    More of an issue is how I will afford help for myself.

    #189593
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    Double postings again. The last post I see now includes the question: “should I tell them?”- depending on their financial  power over you. If you intend to take another loan from them, or a financial gift, there needs to be an explicit communication about what it means, written down, such as terms of repayment.

    anita

    #189595
    cali sister
    Participant

    i am so scared. but i need this real break and i feel that i have to keep explaining this. because i need to accept it. i cannot use this break and work on other job applications. i need a real break. right?

    #189599
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisisterL

    You decided to help yourself. This is a good thing. Now, you got to follow through with this intent. It is not going to be easy or smooth. This is key, an expectation of peace of mind will be counter productive, at this point.

    Relax best you can. Take a break from thinking.

    If you follow through with the intended break you are considering, it will work for you if you keep paying attention through that break, through this time, through the process, and you persist.

    It is something you are able to do, at this point, or not. I don’t know. I don’t think you know either. The intent, again, is excellent, the right thing for you to do, a break. The follow through may bring this intent to fruition, or not.

    You mentioned a retreat, that may be helpful but healing will require more than a retreat.

    Discussing anything with your parents, other than finances, is counter productive for you and will hinder your follow through, maybe even cancel it immediately.

    anita

    #189603
    cali sister
    Participant

    well, then what should i do everyday during this so called break? i need to heal correct? well i definitely will not sitting in my apartment. so that’s why i mentioned a retreat. i dont know what to do.

    #189607
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear calisister:

    A retreat sounds good to me, being around people, there is comfort in it, if they all gather for the purpose of relaxing, with good guidance, absolutely a good idea.

    Your intent is excellent, again. Thing is, I cannot reach into your brain and calm it. So as you face the questions and anxiety, your brain is automatically going to the fastest solution of the new distress, doubting your plan to take a break, I imagine.

    Be very gentle with yourself at this time. Look in the mirror, look in your eyes: can you do this? If you can’t, maybe later on you will be able to. You don’t have to. I will not be disappointed. I will understand.

    Can you do it this time, do you have what it takes, at this time? Maybe you do. That would be so exciting, for me at least, if you do. If you do, it will be you believing that you can survive this healing process, that it will get you to a better place. It is a matter of faith. You need to believe in it so to endure the distress that goes with it.

    anita

    #189609
    cali sister
    Participant

    anita.

    i can do it. i need to do it. i am thinking of my options. first im thinking of applying for a personal loan. i think it would be good for me to leave. go somewhere?

    would you be able to help decide what my healing options should be? i am open to anything. i can’t live like this anita.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 226 through 240 (of 338 total)

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