Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Anxiety: The Blur
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Anonymous.
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January 21, 2018 at 9:21 am #187895
AnonymousGuestDear calisiter:
A note: I don’t read minds, of course. So this is my understanding, based on my life experience, including our communication. What I type to you is offered for your consideration and evaluation. I may be wrong about this or that, so let me know.
Regarding this very point I am addressing here, I am guessing. I am not sure about it. (Other items I am sure):
So I am guessing this: your mother enjoys mountains. But there is no space in her brain wondering or caring if you enjoy mountains. She enjoys them and her enjoyment needs to be accommodated by you.
Similar to the guests: she enjoyed them while you had to accommodate her by killing time alone.
So, here are the mountains, your habit of the mind is: I have a job to do, and so you cannot relax and just be or let it be. You have a job to do!
anita
January 21, 2018 at 9:46 am #187901
cali sisterParticipantI understand what you are saying Anita. I have a job. Always.
What I was trying to explain is how my mother, unlike us, does not have disabling anxieties or inability to feel joy, enjoy mountains, enjoy movies. She doesn’t even know. Her mental capacity is not like that of my sisters.
Map she will go to Costa Rica and it will be amazing. It is for ME that it is stressful and that I cannot enjoy.
January 21, 2018 at 9:54 am #187909AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
If she does not suffer “disabling anxieties” it is probably because she has been relieving her anxieties by generously inflicting it on you. This is how abuse transfers from one generation to the next.
anita
January 21, 2018 at 10:25 am #187917cali sisterParticipantI agree. Since I watched her “enjoy so much” I think I have this pressure to APPEAR the same.
I am about to go on the same hike again. Bringing puppy with me. Let’s see how this goes
January 21, 2018 at 10:37 am #187921AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
I hope it goes well enough. Even a few moments of enjoying the hike, if that is progress, will be … well, progress. It is about Progress, not Perfection, so the saying goes.
Will soon be away from the computer for seventeen hours or so. Hope to read from you when I return.
anita
January 22, 2018 at 8:35 am #188071cali sisterParticipantAnita,
bringing the puppy on the hike – was simply life changing. i was laughing and dancing and both of us had so much fun. he is the cutest and i was able to FEEL for him again. no numbness.
he did so well on the hike for a small puppy. i am so proud of him. the views – were beautiful. because they WERE. no question about it.
me and puppy then went to a family friend’s house in the evening. i was able to eat some homemade traditional indian food that i have missed. puppy behaved so well. yesterday was such a great and positive day. i was able to feel and be happy. i know how much i love my puppy. it was so nice to feel it.
these family friends make me feel like a family member in a way i have never felt. i feel lucky to have met such people. they have two young children who adore hanging out with me. something i also have never felt with children since we are not close to them in my real family. i know them through a connection with my father. when i moved here, they helped me TREMENDOUSLY with moving in etc. My mom was very rude to them in many ways and tried to inflict negativity about them on me. NO. they are amazing people.
C – she reached out to hang out. the way she texts me is …. so angry. short, abrupt, mean, and angry. wonder what that’s about. BUT, yesterday when she texted me rudely like that – i took a deep breath, smiled, and just responded to her EVEN HAPPIER. with smiley faces. i think it made her more mad. but, hey i was happy and i was not going to let her take that away. i did not even ponder for a second why she was acting that way. her problem. not mine.
conclusion: i am so happy i get to be un-numb about puppy. he is my everything. i know the feeling can go away again and i can have a similar episodic weekend like i did..but at least i know what is possible too.
like you said, the most distressing moments is when progress is made. i used to get confused and think that when i feel distressed and then good again (like i do today) – that i was faking it. i dont think it is that i am faking it. i think its me, and i am making progress, correct?
January 22, 2018 at 9:19 am #188093AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
Glad you had a great experience on the hike and later. This promises that there will be more feel good experiences for you to come.
The people you had dinner later on, they like you, don’t they? Isn’t that the thing you did not feel with your mother? I mean, your mother didn’t like you, did she. You wrote that they are amazing people. If your mother liked you too, you would have thought of her as amazing as well.
It is a wonderful feeling to be liked.
Yes, calisister, you are making progress.
And you will feel distress again, no doubt, good that you expect it. This is how healing takes place, no other way.
anita
January 22, 2018 at 9:29 am #188095cali sisterParticipantanita,
moreso than being liked, they care. for example, when i first moved here, i lost some weight. they noticed one day when we were out for lunch and stated, “you face looks sunken in. are you sure youre eating enough? what are you eating?” – NO ONE has ever showed concern for me this way. it was …. a very new feeling for me. i was not being yelled at. i was just being asked bc they were concerned. they even offered to cook for me so that i obtain a better, healthy diet. it was very sweet.
regarding C – i told her we can hang out today instead since i said no for tomorrow. she does not seem thrilled..how shall i go about dealing with this…unaware, angry, insecure C. (When I say it like that, it seems like…why would you even go?)…
January 22, 2018 at 9:38 am #188097cali sisterParticipantanita, you asked me in a post on the other thread –
Dear calisister:
They are very dishonest and cruel, you wrote.
What do you do with this understanding, in context of your ongoing contact with them?
Does this understanding, this seeing of the truth and telling it like it is, not sugar coating it, does it lead to anything different in your interactions with your parents?
anita
Response: this understanding means that when i interact with them, that they are wrong. some things they say are laughable. its almost as if i make fun of them when they say certain statements, in my own head of course. HOWEVER, doesn’t mean that some things they say still do not flow into me. i still get angry or sadness when speaking to them – just not as much. kinda goes away within 5 minutes.
January 22, 2018 at 9:52 am #188103AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
They like you and they care. That feels wonderful.
Regarding C., I ask the same as you asked: why even go, for what purpose? How will it benefit you?
Regarding your most recent post, I ask the same question: why even bother with your parents. What is the benefit for you?
anita
January 22, 2018 at 12:10 pm #188143cali sisterParticipantanita,
there is no benefit in speaking to my parents. none at all. but i will not stop contact with them – because at this moment in time, i cannot imagine also losing parents. then i would be …. actually alone.
January 22, 2018 at 12:20 pm #188149cali sisterParticipantand…the truth why i am still going to see C is because i do want to keep some social contact around for when i want to explore here and make trips. some things are just simply not safe to do alone, logistically.
January 22, 2018 at 10:54 pm #188245cali sisterParticipantI just got home. Cooked some enchiladas today. I’ve been cooking a lot. It’s a nice feeling.
My hang out with C was actually great. It was like before I noticed/all the drama started.
I struggled a lot today with the whole idea of a break or pursuing my career right away. Sometimes I think the only reason I don’t want to pursue it is bc I’m scared I’m not good enough.
January 23, 2018 at 4:23 am #188269AnonymousGuestDear calisister:
Good thing you had a good time hiking as well as a good time with C. I suppose there was a benefit contacting C: you enjoyed yourself and you want to do things with her because it is unsafe to do those alone.
You wrote that there is no benefit to speaking to your parents, but then you expressed that there is a benefit, that if you stop contact with them, you will be “… actually alone”. So there is a benefit, in your mind. You perceive your life as it has been (“The Blur”) as better than it would be without your parents in it.
anita
January 24, 2018 at 6:53 am #188541cali sisterParticipantAnita,
it has been a recent discovery that my parents are “cruel” – so accepting that and getting used to that itself is difficult.
I don’t think I would be able to cut contact unless I have full support – a healthy relationship with a man. I don’t to keep pushing myself to do things alone.
I was given the option to have a restraining order against my mother from the police station. I was very disturbed and had my friend burn it.
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