Premonition? Intuition? A mistake many people make in going into a relationship is mistaking a ‘hot” person for the way they are, which comes from the inside. It is called parataxis distortion. I invite you to lear about that. In a nutshell it is when a person is attracted to another, almost always by physical attraction. That person then imagines a life with the other, how good life would be, etc only to learn that the physical attraction takes the back seat for what is on the inside. If that makes sense. It is pursuit of a person to establish a relationship based on looks yet the person is let down because the “looks” are not congruent with the inside. Anyway, I believe that what you are feeling is the demon from once upon a time, the divorce, is raising its ugly head. Your anxiety is certainly justified. You don’t want to go down that road again.

What is the time frame between the divorce and the new b/f?

First I would like to suggest to slow down a little, regroup your thoughts, and even talk with him about your anxiety. But let me digest your post a little and I will get back. Promise.

Pearce Hawk

When you said, “I think I have assumed that a boyfriend was gonna make me happy all the time?” recognize that your b/f cannot make you happy. As you have heard it a zillion times I’m sure, that happiness comes from within. I learned that many, many years ago and I will not abandon the fact that my happiness really does come from within me. He may join you in your happiness, conversely you may join him in his happiness and in by doing that, happiness is shared. I used to view the existence of my happiness as coming from past g/f’s. I used to think, “she makes me so happy” but then I realized that my being happy with that one g/f was a result of my inner source of happiness sharing that happiness with her. When my happiness and hers were coupled together, I realized, at some point not sure when it was, that it was the love and happiness within each of us, was multiplied a million times over. I used to think that in a relationship it should be 50%/50%. Then one day I was troubled by that thought, that something didn’t seem right about it. So I pondered it and it was literally about 3 years later that I understood what wasn’t right about the idea that relationships should be 50/50. I realized that a relationship should be 100%/100%. If it is not, let’s just say we cling on to the50/50 idea, then what do we do with our other 50%? Is that 50% spent on holding back? Mistrust? I’m not sure anymore because when I am involved with a woman, happy and in love, then I give 100% of me. When we broke up, I did not doubt the 100%/100% idea. She scaled back her 100% effort to use on someone else. But up to that point, it worked. The hurt was there, no doubt. If I should be so lucky as to get in to another relationship, I would not hold my past experiences against her. After all, she was not a part of my past relationships so it would be so unfair to measure her up to someone she never knew. Those were just random thoughts of mine that I only hope will help. Sometimes a different perspective is what we need.

Take some time to be by yourself and your daughter, perhaps a weekend. Have that talk with yourself about your fears, how it is now affecting both of you, and maybe even your daughter, I don’t know. Hopefully not. You know the self talk…why do I think this way? Is this way of thinking serving you well? Is it something that you can eliminate from your personality? You mentioned the jealousy factor. Be fore my wife and I got divorced, we had The Fight. One thing she said, which was far from being the truth, is she said that I don’t care for her because I am not a jealous person. I told her that I am not jealous because I do care for her. Jealousy is an evil thing, I think. For me, it is one of the most destructive behaviors that can ruin a relationship. I think jealousy has a self esteem issue and insecurity component to it as well…

enough of the babbling. I have this sense that you are going to overcome this feeling. It’s just that a once upon a time in your life is affecting i.

🙂

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by PearceHawk.

Dear Sarah:

I thought a bit more about your thread. It is still clear to me that what has been happening is your anxiety intensifying a month ago. Your sentence: “I had a dream he just broke up with me out of the blue and ever since then it’s like I am so afraid its gonna end” indicates fear that he will break up with you, clearly.

On the other hand, you sentence: “We’ve recently started spending a little more time apart because we literally spent everyday with each other. And I feel like that has helped” and “I’ve broken up with guys before because I got bored or I just didn’t like them anymore. But this man keeps drawing me back in even when I have doubts” lead me to consider that maybe you feel trapped, caged in, within a relationship and want out, as a pattern.

I started my last post to you with “my answer”, but really I bring up possibilities to you. It is possible that you are afraid the relationship will end (the dream) and it is possible that you feel trapped in relationships and want out of the trap. In previous relationships, your ex, maybe older relationships, as with a parent, may have been very unpleasant for you, and you wanted out of those, but were stuck. And since then, you are afraid to … get stuck.

I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.

anita

Dear Sarah:

A lot of the thoughts you described in your thread, regarding your relationship, fits those termed by some as “Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” or ROCD. You can look at the entry Wikipedia has on it. Under “Symptoms” it reads: “A person may continuously doubt whether they love their partner, whether their relationship is the right relationship or whether their partner really loves them. When they know they love someone or that someone loves them, they constantly check and reassure themselves that it is the right feeling. When they attempt to end the relationship, they are overwhelmed with anxiety. By staying in the relationship, however, they are haunted by continuous doubts regarding the relationship.”

This concept may help you (following your consideration and evaluation of it) to see your thoughts and attached feelings as stemming from anxiety (OCD is caused by anxiety).

anita