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Anxiety, Insecurity, Fear in Relationship

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  • June 6, 2017 at 5:58 am #152066
    Scott
    Participant

    Background:

    When I was about the age of 5 or 6, my parents divorced. My dad ended up with who became my stepmother for a couple of years and she was very loving at times but also extremely critical and snappy about specific things. While my father was always laid back, he did not give me any attention. My stepmother on the other hand did but I was always scared of her due to her criticism and negative feedback. I remember when spending time at my dad’s house I would imagine how unhappy and doomed I would be if something were to happen to my biological mother, who is very loving, caring, and I believe this occurred because of how much I felt uncomfortable at my dad’s house. I was always afraid of my mom dying or something tragic.

    Problem:

    I’m 20 and have a wonderful girlfriend. We’ve been dating for a couple of months and besides some misunderstandings and mood swinging as any relationship has, things have gone smoothly. However, I sometimes find myself in a very anxious state which in turn leads to panic. I’m a pretty laid back person and I care deeply for her, I love her for who she is and how we connect. She is also very loving at times, but also is sometimes snappy and can be moody (mostly in a short-tempered way). It doesn’t bother me so much that she is this way sometimes, I am bothered by the feelings that arise in different instances. I tend to become very anxious and start overthinking when I notice patterns being broken, mostly in terms of communication. For example, when I pick up on her not responding to a text or through social media, I start to feel some anger/resentment but also anxiety and panic that maybe I’m doing something wrong or she is losing interest in me. I also should mention I feel amazing and reassured when we have our loving moments, but when those fade or we get busy, the anxious feelings come back. I don’t know what to do because I have trouble telling imagined from real. I do have some generalized anxiety, but I manage it really well, it just seems to have gotten worse in this newer relationship. I often fear losing her/breaking up and it also makes me want to marry her so that I have the security that she’s mine. I’m in need of suggestions/opinions/anything to make things better.

    Thanks,

    Scott

    June 6, 2017 at 7:44 am #152098
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    You wrote that your girlfriend is “sometimes snappy and can be moody (mostly in a short-tempered way)”. Similar, in this regard, to your stepmother who was “extremely critical and snappy about specific things”, correct?

    When you were five or six, and you were “always scared of her (stepmother’s) due to her criticism and negative feedback”, you didn’t think, because of your age and position in the family, to say to your stepmother something like: your criticism and negative feedback really scares me, distresses me. Will you consider no longer criticizing me and giving me negative feedback? I would really appreciate it.”

    On the other hand you can say something like that to your girlfriend. If she understand the affect her snappiness and moodiness has on you, maybe she will be motivated to change this behavior, do you think?

    anita

    June 6, 2017 at 10:08 am #152130
    Scott
    Participant

    Yes, I could agree that my girlfriend is somewhat similar in that way of being snappy and can be moody.

    No, I was too young to come up with a response to my stepmother as I felt powerless and my dad did nothing to help/didn’t realize or show that he cared/noticed. Maybe not on purpose, but he was not helpful in these situations.

    I think she understands how she can be snappy and critical sometimes, but it’s hard to know exactly what kind of mood she is in over text or through phone communication. Together in person, I can usually work out any problems. But over the phone, I always feel confused and anxious as to what she is thinking. For example, “is she mad at me/is she not interested in me/is she thinking about our relationship?”. All of these things race through my head.

    I also feel like it’s always my job to entertain her, always giving more input than her, and always the one to start a conversation. I’ve brought this up and she says she isn’t much of a conversation starter, but it can be extremely annoying always having to do the work. You get to the point of thinking that you’re the only one trying, which is also a huge downside of phone communication.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Scott.
    June 6, 2017 at 10:44 am #152146
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    Lots of the fears you have in this relationship are the fears of your childhood being triggered. Maybe your drive to entertain her/ to start conversations is the ‘”solution” you came up with, as a child, maybe, to over-engage the critical person so she is less likely to criticize you.

    These are fears and “solutions” or strategies of long ago that keep coming up. It is key to figure out, over time, what of the distress you experience at any one time is the old being triggered and nothing else, and what of what you experience has to do with a present problem that needs to be addressed.

    Competent, quality therapy can help to differentiate between these two situations. Clear, honest communication with her will also help. You can talk in person with her about your experiences with her on the phone, when not present.

    If she is aggressive with you and will not stop aggression, then you have a present problem. It is either very difficult or impossible to work on past aggression when faced with present aggression.

    anita

    June 6, 2017 at 12:00 pm #152166
    Scott
    Participant

    I feel as if I’m a pretty good “people pleaser” and have the fear that failure to make someone happy aka my girlfriend I will lose her. I know that this isn’t necessarily true because she does love me and cares about me, but the distance and lack of emotional connection through phone communication makes that harder to understand. I feel like I constantly want reassurance even though I never talk about these things because I’m strong on the outside, I don’t like to show weakness. I just really value her a lot which I think adds to the fear of losing her because I see so much potential down the road.

    June 6, 2017 at 8:30 pm #152226
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Scott:

    You wrote that you don’t like to show weakness- you can share with her your “weak feelings” in a way that is respectful toward yourself, not apologizing for your feelings, not putting yourself down in any way. Really, there are no weak feelings (fear, sadness…), there are only feelings.

    Share with her in ways that are respectful toward yourself- that is strength.

    anita

    June 8, 2017 at 9:57 am #152390
    Amber
    Participant

    Scott,

    Don’t feel bad about these feelings. They are completely normal. I too have experienced them and I am 30 year old female. I was married for 8 years and within the last year divorced. I met a new man whom I adore and things are wonderful. We’ve been seeing each other for 8 months now. Even still I have those feelings arise but they quickly go away. If he doesn’t text back right away or within a few hours I do wonder… I get anxious.. I think about if I had said something that upset him and that’s why he’s not replying. I personally will read positive quotes and I try to focus on myself rather than the other person. I quickly learn that there wasn’t a need for the anxiety because he texted me back or he called me that night and we talked. You have to learn to just let things be.. and for instance you did break up or you did loose her because of something that happened in the relationship you WILL be ok. There’s no IF in that, you will be okay. You are your own person and can go through life alone.

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