Dear Anita,

This is very accurate: “My suggested answer is that your mother expressed her anger at other people to you or in your presence because it felt good for her to vent. Your well-being was not her concern. Feeling better herself was her concern and her motivation.

She did not think: is this good or bad for my daughter. She felt angry and she vented.” I think this pretty much sums up her behaviors towards me all my life.  Same with the thing you wrote about my hair: I couldn’t change it, she just told me this to point this out that I have thin hair. Just wanted me to be aware of my flaw. She made sure I KNOW this. How sick is this? I cant understand it. Can you understand it? Can you really. Why would anyone do this? When I don’t like someone I’d tell them (theoretically): you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you’re fat. When I don’t like someone. So what does that mean here?

Well there’s one thing I always think about and never shared here, I always felt she was ashamed of me: that I lisp, that I didn’t stand straight and she was afraid how I’d look like when I grow up, that I’ll have ugly hair. She once told me that when I was 2 years old she shaved my head bald because she hoped my hair would grow thicker. She bullied me about this hair all my life. Funny thing is my hair looks pretty nice and aren’t that thin at all, now when I left them alone and grew them long people always say how pretty my hair looks. I don’t see it, I will never see  my hair  as beautiful because of her but I’m kind of aware they’re nice. or I should say I believe when people say that because they have no reason to lie, right? But I will never actually see it as pretty. Same with other things when I tell someone I lisp or did in the past they don’t believe me. People consider me as pretty and attractive which always amaze me because I see myself through her eyes. Now when I’m writing this I changing this bit by bit so thank you for this.

Isn’t that when you have a kid and he paints a pretty ugly picture you’re amazed and tell them how pretty it is? Or when you see your daughter in pink dress you tell her how she looks like a princess because in your eyes she does, doesn’t matter if she actually looks like a princess, it’s how you see her, right? so if you have a kid who seems by most people’s opinion ugly, too fat, too skinny, or even handicapped you still tell them you’re pretty, you’re smart, you’re the best in the world, you’re gonna be a president one day, even if you know they’re not but why would you tell them “you’re handicapped and worse than any kids, you’re short and skinny, you’ll never … this and that, just so you know”. I really cant understand that. Lol I have a cat and I tell him he’s the most beautiful cat in the world, even though he looks so ordinary and he’s fat. But why would I even care how he actually looks like.

You’re right, she was angry at people and telling all those angry things about them, and also telling those things to me. I dont understand that, why.

I dont quite understand my motivation to self harm, you know. I damaged my hair because she told me it’s ugly, but why did I do it. It’s like you paint a picture and someone says it’s ugly, you go and destroy it, throw it in the river, but why? Because you believe it’s ugly. Or because you’re angry someone doesn’t like it and they hurt your feelings because this picture was so important to you. I don’t know. Any thoughts? I don’t understand why I did it. I just felt the need to destroy what she said is ugly.

Last year I had an acne because of this picking of my face and she knew how bad I felt about it, and instead of saying “just come on, who cares what you face looks like, lets go for a burger or shopping, stop focusing on those things” , every morning she came to my room to see if my face looked better overnight. Well it didn’t. Sometimes she came and saw I’m sad and that it looks worse and didn’t even say anything. Disappointed in me? Why didn’t she say: just get your shit together, it’s just an acne, stop being depressed about it. She let me be depressed about it.

Of course, please share your experience with your mother, I’d be happy to know.

I talked to *this guy* yesterday  and he said he would have came but turned out he’s busy at work and can’t leave. I didn’t even know he was planning it. We talked about nothing and he asked why I pretend and don’t say whats on my mind really, kind of provoked me. So I said Well Okay, I want to see you really bad. He sent me some pictures and said he wants to meet but doesn’t know when since he works 12h a day. (And has a girlfriend but he didn’t actually say this and never talks about her). And we started to talk like we used to in the past, sex mostly.  He seems excited when talking to me. Normally I would feel excited too for someone I love  and missed so much but here I have to try really hard to suppress my feelings. I just talk to him, feels nice and then there’s evening and he stops texting.. And I know he sleeps with her and I’m here thinking about him. So what to do with those emotions, I have to suppress them I guess.  Sorry If you’re disappointed in me, I could have hidden the fact I talked to him but whats the point. I guess I’m weak. Anyway I’m not even sure we’ll meet so at this point just overwhelming emotions I can’t express or deal with, that’s all.

I woke up to a panic attack second time this week. Maybe it’s because I get up at 7 three times a week, and it makes me nervous or maybe it’s because life’s been overwhelming again.  I get only two feelings recently: being miserable he’s gone and feeling overwhelmed because he’s back for I don’t know how long. I remember all the things we talked about here, I didn’t forget them. I feel stuck and afraid to feel anything now. Just a little update. I’m okay, don’t want to overreact, just a little overwhelmed.

Dear Anita,

Okay, I read all that you wrote. I didn’t expect that, that was a bit shocking. My mother valued her father, he was a decent man, no one would say a bad word about him. Always did the right things, was humble, good father and husband, survived the war and appreciated every moment. But he wasn’t perfect, he was worshipped by his wife (my grandma) and couldn’t do anything around the house. But as I said, a decent and humble man. She values family, people with rules. People who bring up their children well. People who are well behaved and clean after themselves. She always says I never clean and I have a mess in my room. And people who have money, yes she respects people who have a lot of money. (Truth is I like to clean, I just hate it because she always tells me to do it and complains I never do it. When I’m alone I like to clean, and I like to have everything tidy in my room but I hate that I have to clean the kitchen for her to be pleased so -> I hate cleaning, I almost never do it, she complains ->I hate it, I never do it. I don’t know if you understand it.)

When I think about it, she didn’t have problems with anyone hair, but you have a point in asking about this because she always had a problem with looks. Said once that a boy told her she’s ugly when she was 15 or something. Or that her mother made her wear ugly coat and she hated it. She really cared about looks, still does. She says often no-one at work noticed she had a new dress, or new shoes. She cares a lot about makeup and clothes, it’s a big part of her life. She often says she doesn’t understand how someone can be fat, and not want to lose weight. or that someone looks bad, or old. When I brought home friends who were fat or not good looking I always knew what she might think, she never told it obviously but I knew. Once I was going to a party with a boy, she was so excited, almost like I would marry him or something. She got mad at me that I’m not ironing a dress or putting makeup and it was late, like an hour left to go. She literally got mad at me and didn’t speak to me because she was angry I don’t treat it seriously enough. I changed my mind then and chose a casual dress instead of smart one, just to show her how I care about being serious. I also barely put makeup on just to show her. She always talked about the day I would get married, like she dreamed about it, it was her dream. I think she would “like” me (I’ll use your word because it suits here too) if I worn smart clothes and was married, and had a lot of money. I’m almost sure she would treat me better and respect me.

I recognize a lot in what you wrote, I may not apply to this in details but I recognize it. The part “If only she liked me”. Funny I always blamed my father for ignoring me, which he did but as we talked earlier. she bullied me and he was my only hope. I thank you for this.  Can you tell me more about your mother? If you want to of course. Are some things I said similar to yours?

Dear Anita,

I didn’t want to cause you any unpleasant thoughts, If I did, I’m sorry. I understand if you need a break this must have been too much, I really apologize, if I, not on purpose of course, made you feel too emotional. We don’t need to talk about this particular topic anymore here.

Dear Anita

That’s perfectly true. I didn’t even tell you rest of the details, You fill in yourself. I’m speechless. Yes she wanted to get away from her parents, and yes grandpa wasn’t that perfect and decent, was probably cold to her. Also it’s true about the excitement with the wedding and kids being born, she is obsessed with people who get married, with girls getting married, I see she’s amazed when someone find a husband, she can’t even hide her excitement. You can’t even imagine this excitement, trust me. That’s why she got so angry I didn’t iron this dress, too much emotions for her and shouldn’t deal with them, so overwhelming. When I talk about my friends getting married I see her expression, how she wants to hide it. One time I told her when she watched weddings and brides choosing dresses on tv ” You really like weddings, don’t you” She got angry at me, that I want to annoy her or something. It’s a sensitive topic.

I know this is true, I mean maybe deep down I knew but I haven’t realized until you told me all this. I noticed myself when I worked with kids and they made me angry I sometimes I yelled at them and was very unpleasant, more than it “required” me to. but at this time I already knew meditation and self improvement and kind of tried to understand: “gosh why am I angry when this kid cant remember one little thing I repeat over and over, is he stupid or what, that makes me so angry, I hate this kid, I want to slap him or beat him” – it scared me because I knew it triggered me way too much. I wanted to not feel this anger, and yes, I realized WHERE DOES IT COME FROM. I felt her anger at me during my childhood so I automatically hated any other kids. I had the period in my life when I thought I hated kids, now I can say I fixed this, I still work with kids and I enjoy it. I’d say I never feel anger at them specifically even when days are bad, I never lose patience or yell – never ever. I sometimes am annoyed but I know anger comes within me and it’s not the kid who causes it.  See how it works?Just the way you told me: the abused becoming abuser, automatically, yes, but in the long term you have to want this, don’t you agree?

Did this happen to you?

The thing is: how can she be over 60 years old and not aware of those things? Did you mother ever wanted to improve relations with you or any other people, because I assume her other relationship would be affected too. Please answer if you feel comfortable to.

I noticed recently (thanks  to those conversations, and my own thinking) what I wrote earlier that I will always have an issue with my hair, always. I sometimes see other people how they don’t even care if they wash their hair and thought how is that even possible. I will always care about it – whether I damage them (which I no longer do) or whether I grow them long and thick – which I succeed, but I will never NOT CARE or not remember if I washed it today or yesterday, that’s just ridiculous, because everyday there is one thing sure: checking my hair and my face, how it looks like. And not because of being vain, but because of insecurity. Anyway, I’m noticing improvement in this as I am more aware. Maybe it’ll change a bit in the future.  Do you feel similar about anything?

There is also one more thing about this cleaning for example. She never taught me to clean or be tidy, what she did was pointing out I don’t clean. The difference, right? She never tells me one simple thing: Do the dishes. I’d do this, because why wouldn’t I? No, what she did was: Why didn’t you clean the dishes?Why you NEVER do this? Why are you so untidy? (all the questions regarding one situation-the dishes). Making me feel guilty, what’s funny it never motivated me, on the contrary, I started to hate it because it had such a negative connection, feeling guilty. So yes, I agree with this expressing anger, she looks for the reason to finally being able to express this anger she hid through her childhood, anger she could never express to her parents.

So what next if I know all this. I still have to process it, you know. I guess today I realized it’s not all my fault, that my hair is okay and I need to slowly learn to leave it alone,because chances are my hair is already perfect, that I’m a tidy person because my room looks tidy and that’s good enough, that I don’t lisp because no one ever noticed that except one person, and maybe I’m not as flawed as I see myself. Maybe I’m realizing this not consciously already because as I told you before my self harming reduced to about 20% and I do it not automatically but fully aware so it’s way better, and it’s okay for me at this point. 3 years ago I burnt a spot on my face with acid cream, fortunately it healed but sometimes when it’s cold I still see the red spot. I’m happy I would never ever do that to myself again, but it took me a long journey.