Anita,

I hope you’re having a good, peaceful day.

it’s good enough to form the intent to write spontaneously. (If you put any pressure on yourself to write spontaneously, it will not happen).

I agree. Good to know, thank you.

Fast forward, she is now the adult, I am the child, guess what position she wants for herself: the abused and powerless or the abusing and powerful?

The will to not be the abused is very strong, but I think the will to be the abusing and powerful is much stronger for them (both).

“… she had the chance to move out to Canada with her high school boyfriend … but could not as she was already married …“- I don’t know what part of what you found out was true, if any (is it something she told you?) But if it is true, I doubt that she stayed with you and with her husband at the time because she was a devoted mother and wife.

I know this story only because she told me this, no other source. Now I think she didn’t go because she just met the guy she later had an affair with (around the same time-when I was 6). She probably made a choice only because of him. I never thought of the real reason she didn’t go! Seems completely plausible.

“She just hated me“- and she just hated me.

I wish we both didn’t have this feeling.

 A 3rd Win-Win/ Mutual Respect/ Shared Power… was not an option they had a personal experience with.

I like that you mentioned the 3rd option, Anita. “Mutual Respect/ Shared Power” sounds good. I think I will be coming back to that thought in my mind.

yes, consistently assuming wrong, then insisting that her wrong assumption is the truth, and that their accused person’s honest and true protest ..is a lie.

I just remembered how she sometimes got text messages on her phone and she immediately looked at me with questioning, angry look, as if she wanted to ask “What again?” (as if I sent it to bother her).

I had a feel of how I felt coming “home” from school (home didn’t feel like home).

indeed. A place where you lived but not a home, not a family anyone should be raised in.

 reads like she was replaying a scene from her childhood.. only, like my mother, she had the adult role this time.

Must have felt so satisfying.

 thank you. I needed this validation. Part of my lifelong emotional dissociation has been to emotionally understate the abuse that was done to me by my mother (and by others).

You’re welcome, Anita. Part of the will to survive, as I see it. We tell ourselves it’s not a big deal because otherwise it would break our hearts..or we get used to scary things and see them as normal, perhaps.

 just in case you need the assurance: you are not a burden to me. The opposite is true: you are a resource, you are helping me! Also, neither one of us is a fool… and if I ever feel offended by something you say, maybe misunderstanding what you said, I will check with you and ask you if my understanding was correct or not.

Thank you Anita, that’s very kind of you to explain that. Every time I read your reply post to me, I never doubt it. I know it’s the thought that occurs, comes to my mind. Has nothing to do with me, and nothing to do with the other person.

I like reading your clear, organized posts.

Thank you, I thought this works for me as I do not get lost. Nice to read you appreciate it.

Sending a lot of feel-better wishes, Anita 🙂

Dear Joanna:

“The will to be the abusing and powerful is much stronger for them (both)“- the desire to be powerful, a craving, an emotional need.

“I know this story only because she told me this, no other source“- the stories they told us… fictional, when it comes to what they claim in regard to their motivations, to their reasons for doing or not doing this and that.

“I like that you mentioned the 3rd option, Anita. ‘Mutual Respect/ Shared Power‘ sounds good. I think I will be coming back to that thought in my mind“- and I will too, I will come back to this thought whenever I contemplate my interactions with people.

“I just remembered how she sometimes got text messages on her phone and she immediately looked at me with questioning, angry look, as if she wanted to ask ‘What again?’ (as if I sent it to bother her)“-they saw us as a nuisance at best (the inconvenience of having to keep us clean, clothed, etc.), as a villain at worst.

“We tell ourselves it’s not a big deal because otherwise it would break our hearts… or we get used to scary things and see them as normal, perhaps“- I know that my child-heart was broken. I remember how it felt, definitely broken. I think that we get as used to abuse as we can so to lower the overwhelm factor, so that our nervous system is the least damaged. An Ongoing Emotional Overwhelm (OEO) damages the nervous system, hence the early-life and onward combo of Tourette’s, OCD, Inattentive ADHD and learning difficulties, in my case.

* I was wondering, is there anyone in your genetically related family members who also exhibited tics?

“Thank you… I know it’s the thought that occurs, comes to my mind. Has nothing to do with me, and nothing to do with the other person“- you are welcome! Being able to make the distinction between what we think- feel is happening and what is really happening is a major factor in mental health!

anita

Dear Joanna:

I am glad you asked: I did badly last night, was up most of the time, uncomfortable, runny nose, perspiring.. but feeling much better after a hot bath and clean, dry clothes, very tired and it feels that it would be crazy for me to go  outside.. so I won’t. I am lying in bed right now as I type this.

“Yes, the stories.. Repeated many times, with the same exact words, in my mother’s case” – and in the case of mine.

Coming to think about it, better that I rest for a while and continue in another post later (I am so very tired).

anita

Dear Joanna:

“I see a lot of abusers in my family, especially on my mother’s side“- abuse begets abuse, it multiplies.

“No one has tics. Only me. How is that possible, I wonder“- people’s nervous systems/ bodies break in different ways, just like every glass that breaks, breaks differently, and the mess created by each broken glass is different from any other.

“I agree and always try to remember that… Still it’s not perfect though, but it’s Ok“- good job, if I may say so, and it cannot be done perfectly.

“I hope you get some good, comfortable sleep!“- thank you. I didn’t sleep, I don’t think but I rested since I posted to you earlier. I will let you know Tues morning how I slept. Good night, Joanna!

anita

Thank you, Joanna, this is kind of you! I am still not well, still perspiring (took a hot bath this morning to feel better, but not feeling that much better), nose running. How are you?

anita

Dear Joanna:

Thank you- I was hoping to tell you that I was feeling much better this Tues morning, but not yet and it is almost noon. Enjoy being in a warm home while watching the fresh snow through the windows!

“I thought maybe I had the worst experience and therefore I have all those symptoms“- I think that you did have one of the worst experience growing up with your mother, this is why I see so much commonality between the two of us. And because we were abused so similarly, we got broken in a multiple of places and in some of the same places (ex., tics).

With the imagery of a broken glass, what I mean is that some people, when they break, they develop psychosis, others develop tics, some proceed to get addicted to drugs (depending on the availability of drugs), etc.  Good news is that we can do a lot of fixing of these broken places, best we can, one day at a time, patiently.

anita

Dear Joanna:

I am better than yesterday and hopefully not as good as tomorrow. I slept better: what a relief, I hate being awake at night! I woke up and got up at a reasonable hour (not too early), still perspiring aka sweating at times, but better. Since I abandoned my daily routine- except for posting here- in the last two days, I realize how important a daily routine is to my mental health, so I want to restore it all as soon as possible, maybe today (I can walk on the treadmill instead of walking outside).

“I am thinking a lot about this lately: similarities between us, how we both struggled, how we coped“- feel free to share your thoughts at any time, when you feel like it. We can take breaks from talking about particular things, then go back to them, and we can bring up new things.

“I like being here on this forum and appreciate your posts a lot“-I like being here too, and talking to you. I am feeling a smile on my face as I am typing this, which is only the 2nd smile in the last few days… it’s a good thing to smile spontaneously!

anita