“And so, you end up with a man like Tom. Better but.. not good.” are you suggesting I’m going to end up with him after all, meaning “stuck with him”.

Dear Anita

So you’re saying she is the main reason for struggling and the best would be to never talk or meet, not only limit the contact.

Dear Anita

Thank you for asking those specific questions about my plans.

“you don’t know on a deeper level what really happened until… she tells you clearly … you operate in the dark, knowing the truth on a superficial level (that dry, academic like knowing), but not on an emotional/ believing-it level. You are stuck in not-really-knowing.” I think now I know what you mean by that. Although I’m trying to see and be aware more of what she did to me, without her acknowledging or confirming. Do you think so? or do you think I still don’t fully see that and don’t fully believe it? For past months I’ve been reading a lot and talking to a friend, also talking to you. I think I see more, although being in contact with her doesn’t help. What do you think.

I kept asking you about your mother sometimes, I just want to apologize if you were sometimes not comfortable with that. One reason was obviously to get to know you better, the other one my thoughts about similarity.  I was wondering what is it that made you so sure despite the fact my life has been similar to yours in this particular case, that also it is the exact same root of suffering in life and there is only one solution.

My plans are finding a better job since may or June, now I have this commitment to teaching till the end of June. That won’t allow me to move out, but I would have more money.

The house in the village, Her option is to sell the half of land there and build a new small house. which would also belong to her, even though I got this after my dad. I don’t want that. In her opinion she would built this house for me to live there, so that I would have a flat in the city and a house in the village, but this flat is not my home, I live in her flat. So in the house I know it would be the same as here, even though my dad gave it to me but it doesn’t feel mine either. I could sell it and buy my own place, or have a small house there, my own, but she won’t let me make decision, and if I do she will never agree for me to do anything separate from her and have my own plans.  I’m scared I will have to fight with her. I don’t even know how to do that. This is my hope but I don’t know how.

I had some plans to sell the half of it and buy a cheaper flat in smaller city. I could afford it, I checked prices of flats in a town 30 kilometres from here. It’s calmer, not that noisy, I would feel better there. Living here is expensive, it’s one of the biggest cities. In small city it would be easier.

Regarding men, I thought about that. I think about what we talk here almost all the time. I’m getting used to these conclusions. Also I’m trying to distance myself after what happened last weeks. It’s not easy, it’s on my mind every second. Also when he called ,he behaved like we are seeing each other again. When I miss him and have the urge to text him I try to remember it’s not real that I need him or that it’s just a feeling that he will save me, not a fact. Sometimes it works. I realized what you wrote earlier that he’s the only man, I’ve ever talked about here, although I’ve been on couple of dates with one guy, very decent and nice. I know everything you told me here, but it’s the hardest part. I wouldn’t hesitate to move out from my mother forever, even tomorrow. But he’s the worst for me to let go.

Dear Anita

I can’t do it, because they live there and I won’t throw them out. They also have the right to live in one room till they die (the house is 200m2). I would be able to buy a flat, but it would take more than a half so she would have to agree to it, and she wouldn’t be left with much money, certainly not to build a house. So she would have to be that kind to let me do what I want to. Buying a flat is the only way for me to move to smaller city, renting is expensive and it’s pointless spending money every month. It’s better to own one. I told her this, first she thought I was talking about selling this flat and she would also move to smaller city, and asked what about a house, what about a flat here, I said I don’t care, I would like my own place, and this city O. seems nice. She said we can sell everything and buy a flat for me if I want to. And she would stay here. I think she felt hurt by that. So there. ..

I talked to him about moving to O. when was here to get his things in February. He said it’s a very bad idea. That there are cheaper flats here too, away from the centre of the city, like his brother has bought, besides what about the job, it’s too far and generally no. He said I didn’t think it over and I rush, and told me not to do it. He works in an office on the same street where I live, 500 meters away from my flat.  No, I wasn’t motivated to stay here because of that. Now when you asked, when thinking about it, that would mean we would never meet ( in current situation: he wouldn’t be able to come by for an hour after work to have sex, so yes that’s a tough decision for me, a lot to lose). Yes that makes me think, I admit, but I don’t think that would be enough reason to stay if had the real chance to move out.

Not exactly. To buy a place, I would have to sell my dad’s house or a land in the village. We are planning to sell a half of the land (I think it’s called “lot”) this year, not house yet, and she said I can buy a flat for those money it I want to. She would have to agree to it because she partially owns it, so it’s her money too. She is willing to agree, from what she said today and earlier when we talked. I could buy my own new flat in a smaller city, she would stay in her flat (the one I live in now). So I have this option of moving out maybe this or next year. I hope this sounds clear, sorry if I sound confusing sometimes.

No, that was irony, that it’s “a lot to lose”.. He was here only this one time, but when he called two days ago, he told me he wants to meet soon. I assume he wants to keep seeing me regularly because he enjoys it. Moving out means not seeing him ever again, and that’s tough, but it’s not a reason for me to stay here.  I will move out, if I have the chance.

Dear Anita

You’re challenging me with those questions. But that’s okay, thank you for that, it’s motivating. What has changed since then..When my mother yelled at me couple of months ago I was quiet and cried in my room, almost always harmed my face, couldn’t function normally until her mood improved and she “liked me” again. Now when she yells, I say aloud to her that she has issues and it’s not my fault, and I won’t tolerate that. (She denies it but now I KNOW I’m right ). I also am sure I want to live alone, which I couldn’t imagine earlier, also earlier she wouldn’t let me make that decision. I talked to her on the phone today and told her I want my own flat, and she again said it’s okay if I want to take those money and buy it. She didn’t mention the fact or the reason I would want to live separate from her, all she mentioned was a cat, she said “But I won’t see him, I will miss him”. She didn’t even say anything about not seeing me, I think she is perfectly aware why I want to move out, and that’s because of her. (The same as in situation with apologizing for doing homework, she is aware what she does to me. Anyway that’s a surprise)

My current job would allow me to pay bills (I started working in language school , more hours) but I want to look for something better anyways in may.

Goals or dreams: I would like to have my own place, and live my own life, and be forgiving to myself which I believe would stop or limit my self harming habits. I want to try.

Dear Anita

Thank you, that means a lot, your opinion. This is what I’m really sure of. I was sad today, most of the time I seem like a person with lots of energy, I like to laugh and sing, and do things, sometimes I do this even if I don’t feel well because I prefer to be cheerful. One person once told me: ‘how about if you would always remain cheerful no matter what?’ I know it’s not always impossible but I often remember this and try. But sometimes all the energy goes away. I was sad because after everything I’ve been through in my life as a child I still can’t find peace and I have to fight and run away from her. But maybe I feel pity for myself, it’s just a feeling, I don’t like it when such thoughts come to me.

How are you lately? Do your negative feelings and thoughts return recently? Has anything good happened that you noticed in your progress in recent weeks?