Dear Anita

I understand. I understand you shared this with me to show me how ridiculous is my idea of a child being guilty, same as baby being guilty of doing what you “did”.

I also was born with footling breech problem, and my mother was very skinny and didn’t care about herself during pregnancy. She told me she carried heavy shopping, because my father didn’t help her. Anyway she never directly blamed me for that, but I suspect it was then that she started to be ashamed of me because I had some issue with one leg and had to wear something on it for couple of weeks after birth. After that it was normal. I’m not even sure what that was or what it looked like.

Yes I am sure I would have stood straight if she didn’t bully me for that. All children slouched at school because of carrying backpacks. I remember teachers said it. But only my mother picked this up and started to treat me for this (sending me to hospitals – which is one the worst nightmares in my life) and bullying me everyday. I started to slouch more as a consequence of her behavior. Same with speech defect, I don’t have it, I had it when I was a child because she bullied me and it worsened. She caused it. So yes, my flaws, at least some of them were a result of her behavior.

Dear Anita

Well I kind of understand but not really. I know how it is to feel guilty of something that seems illogical. Therefore a concept that I would (or you would) not be guilty of (this particular thing) is hard to understand. When someone says I am not guilty of having thin hair I cant understand it. I have thin hair, it’s a fact, someone repeatedly told me it’s definitely not a quality. It’s deeply rooted, how can I remove it. No one accused me of having been born with my feet in wrong place so I definitely know one cannot be guilty of that. Having said that I can relate to your feeling of guilt in that matter.

I recently thought about things that are rooted so deep. Like for last 12 years I didn’t want a desk in my room because I hated doing homework. Like seeking relief in activities or people who are bad and we know it but it gives relief like nothing else. Can we really remove it so that “the feeling” doesn’t work anymore? Can I remove the guilt I feel, just by justifying it somehow and understanding.I don’t know if I understand it correctly. I know you don’t mean just understanding, it’s more but it’s really hard.

Dear Anita

Okay. No, it is not my responsibility. But I still need to think about it a lot to understand it.

Dear Anita

It’s weird because for most of my life she used to brag about how she always sit with me and never neglected my homework so that despite living in a home where my dad was an alcoholic, I was never neglected because she cared about this homework. That was her exact version of this situation. However one time a year ago she once said something like.. “your father always making me nervous…and I sometimes used to scold you… sorry I always yelled at you during this homework” and when she told me this I felt we both knew the previous version was not true. Like we knew it was made up (not exactly because he was an alcoholic and I always did homework), partially true but true in a way that it covered another *hidden* version. Like someone beats you and then hugs you and comforts you, and says to people “we always hug, you know” and then he says to you: sorry I beat you all those times. And your reaction is: ???. Because he obviously did beat you but you are both saying different version, so what’s with this apologizing now. Are we still saying the first version or what, is it still valid. A bit confusing, as she is still the same person and still bullies me about about everything else.

Yes that similarity, I thought you just ignored it. She never accused me of it directly but she also always reminds me of her labour, she had a cs, and she thinks she was starting to wake up from anesthesia, so they gave her more, a lot, that after this operation they couldn’t wake her up. They gave her too much because she started to be awake, and it could have ended badly.  Following your quote “She told me the story repeatedly, that is all. Children take the blame even if it is not stated.” Everytime she told me this, before it started to sound nagging after 100th time, I felt like saying “I’m sorry mom, sorry you could have died because of me”. I don’t know if it felt like any experience for her, as she found out about this dangerous situation afterwards so she was alive and well, she wasn’t aware *she can die right this moment* except for this feeling of waking up. But again, even if it was, what can I do to make it up for her. I always felt weird hearing this, when I was little this story was scary and too much for me, and I didn’t understand it, when I was 10-13 I felt awkward hearing about labour, when older 15-20 I felt embarrassed and ashamed talking about, again, *labour* in this context, now it feels…just nagging. Just her, boring me again with this story which I never understood and even when I was old enough to understand it never stopped being awkward, and I definitely can’t relate to this and sympathize with her. Sorry if I sound harsh but it’s a scary story from my childhood, she bores me with this and harasses me with it for years, so what does she expect me to do, I sometimes felt like saying: ‘just give me a fucking break already, I don’t know why I did this with my leg, I can’t even fucking remember this, I was zero years old!’ Often I feel she wants to tell me that I was so neglectful (that’s sooo me, right) that I didn’t even took my own birth seriously, and she could die, because I did this stupid thing with my legs. And if I at least tried to make it up to her, and show her I improved myself since then, and I am tidy and reliable, so she would see that I regret this “episode” and I’ve changed. But no, I still can’t even be punctual, tidy, and can’t clean my own room properly because that’s what kind of person I am. And this episode at labour that could kill her was not an one time accident, I could kill her and I still laugh in her face, because I’m irresponsible, untidy and neglectful. Honestly, Anita, I hope this is not the case, and that I exaggerate, because if it is true, it’s the most insane thing in the world. Maybe it may seem irrelevant  in regard of your question of being guilty-innocent, I just need to think it over and understand it more, even if it’s an insane thought, thank you for making me see this better. Flaws she blames me for,  it’s enough for me that it’s not my responsibility, it lets me let go of my blame a little bit. I need to think about it day by day, and get used to this idea. Thank you for that. I feel a little bit of relief thinking about this. Anyway it’s a curious thing that she probably is guilty of them. I wonder if she blames herself.

I burned a spot on my face today, and then made it worse. I got scared a bit, I didn’t do anything for past 3 days which is a lot now, and in the evening I just did this before I even realized. I think I’ll leave my face alone tomorrow. I need to force myself to stop, I’m afraid of how it will look tomorrow. I need to stop, just feel this urge so much, I’m not even sure  if I feel it or think about it, I just start doing it, thinking about something else and suddenly I see what I’ve done. It’s always like this, never on purpose, always automatically. I’m afraid this spot won’t disappear. Tom called me yesterday, he told me we should just stay friends. He said he had an argument with his girlfriend and she is crazy jealous about me, meaning our past ‘relationship’, she doesn’t know we met twice (I don’t know how do I ever appeared in their conversation now) and that she knows he is hiding something and texts *someone*. I asked ‘Can we still see each other’ I don’t know why I asked this. I think I wanted to check how serious he is about it and I wanted to hear the obvious answer. He said.. ‘I guess we can. I want to.’ He apologized for this leaving etc. I was so overwhelmed, and exhausted, I think this was the reason I did this to my face today. I cant deal with all this. I never wanted this, I regret meeting him because it was humiliating, and I don’t want to be the person she would ever suspect for seducing him, because he will obviously say I imposed myself if she ever finds out. I went for a walk yesterday, sometimes it helped but it doesn’t help anymore. I’ll try to spend some time in a park tomorrow, it calms me sometimes. I’m thinking of taking medications, I took xanax for anxiety in the past but it resulted in more bad than good. So no. Sorry if talking to me is overwhelming. I had panic attacks every night for last two weeks. Days are just exhausting breaks. I really don’t feel well.

Dear Anita

I feel more free, I know it looks like I feel worse but I’m overwhelmed with everything. Just like you said, distress and anxiety come back and it’s an opportunity to take a step forward. It’s one of the best things I learned from you, to keep going and know that everything passes, I just have to handle it better and better with everytime. That’s all I have to do, and it’s good enough.

What exactly are you learning though conversation with me? I get the feeling it’s not pleasant to you, not because you made me think so, but my own assumptions. I also wanted to ask you if this story I shared with you seems insane and exaggerated.

My other question was: I know you suggested that your mother wouldn’t go to psychotherapy or wouldn’t want to self improve. What would she say to you if you told her all this? I think my mother would say I’m ungrateful, phrase she likes to say to me , it doesn’t translate but it means something like ” I knew you would say something like this, it’s so your kind of behavior “, and that I disappointed her and she feels hurt. Once I told her I was afraid of her and she said: ” thank you, that’s how grateful you are, saying those things to hurt me, thank you so much, that’s so your style.. ”

Yes I would like to end contact with her. For past month she is spending almost whole week in the other place. Visiting on Fridays for couple of hours, cleaning and complaining and gets back. I don’t leave my room sometimes or I “on purpose” come home late. It was like that since I was 19 or 20, she moved out but visited, later she visited less and less often. And last year she came back around the time I started posting here.

There are moments I feel more cheerful and carefree, in a good way. When she is not around for long time (I forgot how it feels because she lived here for past 5 months) I start to feel.. I remember this feeling, it’s weird, like I do something and I don’t judge myself or feel ashamed. Yes I think it’s a lack of feeling of shame. I’m not sure if it translates well. Even when I  dated Tom and I knew it was wrong, I felt it was even more wrong because I knew how she would criticize it. Once I was worried I might be pregnant (my anxiety mostly, and overreacting) the worst thing about it was her judging voice in my head, and shame in front of her. Of course that would be unfortunate, because we weren’t a loving couple, and I know he is not a good man but surprisingly it wasn’t the worst. He told me this many times he would even want to have a child. He never freaked out, he used to call me everyday and tried to calm me there’s nothing to worry about and even if, it’s fine, he’s 30 years old and he’s got money, house, and a child doesn’t scare him. So my anxiety wasn’t from the fact that I was afraid he would run away and pretend he doesn’t know me. My anxiety which caused me to go crazy at one particular time was mostly, if not only, because of her. It scared me to death. Her voice in my head, her judging me, making me feel ashamed, and bullying me. Sometimes I was thinking about it, what is it I am so afraid of that I cant sleep or eat, I literally couldn’t eat for 2 or 3 days sometimes, couldn’t function normally. I realized I’m not afraid of having a child. And I imagined what it would be like if she didn’t exist, and for a short moment I felt relief.

If I had this child, and she wouldn’t be there I would forgive myself.

So when she’s not around I feel free. I don’t judge myself for my own mistakes, small or big mistakes, I am forgiving to myself. I let myself live. I don’t feel shame. Do you feel similar?

Dear Anita

When she would not be here for the rest of my life.. I sometimes think about it. I wonder if I would ever miss her. I think not. Sometimes when we don’t see each other long time she calls me, likes to talk to me. I no longer do. I know she few times cut contact with her own mother and suffered because of that, and I never wanted this. I never wanted to cut contact and hate each other, but also when I looked at her, her being over 60, and missing and suffering because of an argument with her mother, being so dependent on her mother, waiting for her to call… I don’t want to be that either. I think it’s pathetic. Like a child who needs her mother approval, or her mother’s hug because she can’t go on with her life when her mother is angry with her. From those two options I would choose cutting contact even if it means hating each other, as it probably would.

Regarding your mother you mentioned only that to fix your relationship (theoretically) it would require her willing to self improve, so I assumed either she wouldn’t want to, or you never tried. Sorry, just my assumptions.

I wonder what else you learned through my posts. If there was anything, I’m happy I could show you this somehow.