Dear Anita

Sorry If I won’t relate to everything you wrote, but I always read it couple of times. You’re right with everything. Thank you for the effort you put in all this. Thank you.

I always believed my father loved me, despite how he didn’t show it. I remember several things: once when he drove to my grandmas where I was staying, when I was 12. Second when he called me on my phone when I was 16. (But to be honest I now am not sure if he really called me or I just thought about this so many times and hoped he would call that I made this up, believed it and don’t know anymore if it really happened), another thing when I last saw him in 2005, 8 months before he died, he told me “come by sometimes, It’s sad living here alone” these words haunted me for years, because there was this one time my dad wanted me and I missed this chance, because I never went there again. How could I miss it, I had this one big chance when my father once had this fleeting thought that would like me to visit, how my life would be different if I came there again, we would be such a loving family, him and I, for the rest of our lives if I accepted his generous offer (that’s irony. But this is what I believed for last years, maybe not believed because it’s obviously stupid, but rather felt and had guilt about it). You’re right, he didn’t love me.That would be the best and final explanation to everything he ever did or didn’t do. I wanted to convince myself you have to love your own child, yes, it is possible you can’t show it or you were raised this way and you can’t show emotions, but you have to, it is natural to love your child so he has to love me, because of the fact I’m his child, he has to, that’s the “law” of nature, right? You can’t not love your child. Isn’t this true? But you’re right Anita, this made me cry what you wrote but at the same time a bit of relief and I felt that I shifted a little bit more my own blame to him.

Back to T, I know he is not a loving man. When he told me he doesn’t love his girlfriend, Okay it felt like a nice surprise at first but the fact that this relationship means so little to him that he gave me permission to destroy it.. Well I know he won’t break up with her but he cheated  and he will have to live with this, I can’t understand why he thought it was even worth it. I feel guilty about this, I had so many doubts, you know I cancelled this two times and refused when he wanted to meet. Even when he was here, I was scared when his phone rang. It didn’t excite me at all, it scared me, the fact that this girl exists. He never had any doubts, not even once. I opened the door and he kissed me, just like she didn’t exist. If he would say ‘stop’ or ‘slow down’ once, at any moment for the past few weeks, including that meeting, I would stop. Anyway, I don’t enjoy being the one he cheated with on his girlfriend. I know that’s not the beginning of a love story, rather beginning of the end.  I want you to know, I’m not explaining myself. Funny she has everything I ever dreamed of and it turns out she has a man who doesn’t love her and cheats. That’s what I wanted so badly, to have what she has. This fantasy, this ‘make believe’ you told me about.

Today I wanted to block him, on social media and my phone. It’s not like I don’t have strength to do it, I would but I know he would email me sooner or later or whatever way he would find to text me. And he would joke about it, and I would let it go again. I once already ‘broke up’ with him and we started talking again, and I felt this regret that I should have stayed. I now know I shouldn’t have because a month later he found a girlfriend so I guess it’s good I ended this at that time, I avoided the situation when he would have to tell me to take my things and leave. But after I did this, I had those obsessive thoughts, I almost went crazy, they haunted me from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep.. Every day, every night. I couldn’t stand it. Ruminating, analyzing, obsessing. Like a crowd of people pointing out at me 24/7 and blaming me, reminding me of every moment I did wrong, shouting at me. I can do it, but I’m afraid of those thoughts, those panic attacks, those voices, this guilt. Do you understand? I can block him but I’m scared of my reaction.

Dear Anita

If I may ask, what was that your mother blamed you for, that you call “her misery”? Was it some specific thing in her life that she accused you of causing, like you being a child and making her life miserable because she, let’s say, couldn’t lead different life, and had to raise you instead, or was it more everyday life resentments, venting about random things. Sorry if this question is poorly asked. You can ignore it, obviously you don’t need my permission to ignore it, just saying it’s fine, just occurred to me so I asked.

I admire your strength and your persistence, which I can see when you describe your experiences, but also when talking to me. You’re calm and strong. I admire your persistence and patience. I wish I had it, and I wish I had it towards myself too. I wish those thoughts of you being a bad person started to occur less and less, and I wish you would acknowledge and notice more moments when you are being a good person.

Dear Anita

Yes I know you have shared this before, I was reading this yesterday, but I was talking specific situations. Gosh I’ve been accused of my face impression hundreds of times. Tone of my voice, a “way” in which I speak or do. I was asking this because recently I had this situation. (I sometimes write things, sometimes I write to you, but I never send this because I dont want to bother you more than I already do 🙂 but writing “to you” makes me feel better, even though it sometimes stays in my notes. I don’t know why, I just do, so whatever. So this is one of those things). Funny thing about thinking of being a bad person

My friend had a birthday on Saturday and a driving licence test, so I went with her in the morning (she didn’t pass, but it’s okay, it was a first time, she was very nervous, I guess second time will be better) and then gave her a present and I made a small cake, bought some balloons etc. She first wanted to do this birthday party at my place but I kind of didn’t propose it, she also knows my mother etc, and she knew I’m not that willing to do it, anyway she didn’t ask but I think she wanted to. In the end she said the party will be at her sister’s. When we were there I felt bad I didn’t organize this party at my place, or help her sister more, I had some free time the day before and I said I could help her, she said no, it’s fine. But I should have insisted, she obviously could use some help. When I arrived I saw her sister cooked and decorated everything alone and I felt bad. Like I didn’t help her, although I was at home at 6pm the day before so I could come by and do something. That thought nagged me yesterday and today all the time. Today this friend came for a moment to give me some cake that her mother made today and I said, you shouldn’t have to, why are you giving me this. And she said „I wanted to thank you, you were so nice to me, you went with me to this driving test and bought me balloons and gave me the best presents” I didn’t know if she was joking or what.. Like why do you think I was nice, I was so rude, sitting at home when your sister organized a party, and I didn’t propose to organize it in my flat.. (I didn’t say that, just thought) I still can’t understand what in the world she thanked me for. I felt bad when she said I was nice when in reality (in my reality) I was the worst and rudest person in the world. I still think I was.

Dear Anita

Yes I think I would like to. Although as I said, I wouldn’t know what to think of.