Hi Anita

I am very happy  to see you have posted. My self harm is mostly picking on my face, treating it with products who make it exfoliate of burn, also picking with my hands, when I have a wound and I see it, in general doing all the things to not let it heal, I had spots which bled and that didn’t  stop me from leaving it alone. This I believe is called interfering with healing. This led to acne and skin problems 4 times in my life. Other types of self harm, I didn’t do that often but in times of real anger and helplessness I used to beat my hands and legs with my hands, literally with great strength. My body always hurt after that. This was the worst, or I don’t know, maybe skin picking is the worst because it’s more persistent and sneaky, if you understand what I mean. Ripping small parts of skin around my nails.Picking my eyelashes sometimes, but this I really wanted to stop so I control it. I also had the period in my life when I started doing piercings, I only did 4 but it was in period of one month and I couldn’t stand the pain anymore because the pain was long after doing this, for about week or so. The wound and the pain gave me relief. But I didn’t do it anymore, anyway at that time I couldn’t stop myself and I didn’t even understand why I do it. The hair is something I definitely left alone and I will never come back no matter what because if I damage it, it will never heal, needs to grow so I got scared of that. Perhaps there are other ways I harmed myself, those are some I recall.

I’m doing okay, thank you for asking and caring. My mother is at her partner’s house lately, and also spending time with grandma. Recently I try to speak everything just like in this argument about things in the kitchen. I guess it’s better when I say it instead of being quiet.

So I met with this guy, he just left my house. I wasn’t sure about this meeting, I first said yes but then I said I’m not sure. He came here anyway.

Dear Anita

They started seeing each other again. But she still didn’t come back there, just visiting him sometimes, I don’t know the details, she doesn’t talk to me about him because she knows I don’t like him. Yes I think there is chance she will move out again.

About your self harm, were those temporary episodes or more like constant and repetitive? Were you aware of what were you doing? I noticed I have episodes, besides doing it sometimes every day I do it in some period of time, when something bothers me or I cant deal with emotions, for example for couple of weeks or so. What do you mean by that “There is something about experiencing hidden pain that is unseen by others, unnoticed- it being so intense and at the same time invisible.” ?

Well he texted me yesterday, I asked if he wants to just talk and sit, and he said no, obviously not and that there are a lot of things he would like me to do. He asked today if he can come in the morning and I said I’m not home and I’m not sure about this. He came here in the evening. We talked for an hour, and I saw he was disappointed, I asked him “so what do you want to do” he was just looking at me, not saying anything. I did what he wanted. I saw he really liked it, even more than in the past. He barely touched me, maybe it made him feel less guilty.  I asked if he wants to stay for the night and he said he cant and that it already happened too much. So I said what does it mean too much, I mean we are both aware of what is happening so it wasn’t some silly coincidence or something.  I didn’t say that, just asked what does it mean “too much” and I saw he won’t admit why he came here.  So now I don’t know what’s next. Maybe he wanted this but now he feels guilty, and will never speak to me again, or maybe he will want to meet again. I really can’t tell what he thinks and what he wants now. I feel like I’m thinking about this too much in last few days and just lost a distance and clear mind.

Dear Anita

As I said there is a slight chance she will move out but since they are seeing each other again there is still a distance, she doesn’t spend too much time with him, just visiting for a few days, sometimes she comes back here in the evening so she doesn’t stay there anymore. I assume she would leave him but he uses the fact he is sick and wants her to feel pity for him, so she visits him because she doesn’t want to be cruel and leave him. Also they have cats that she loves so she will never leave them.

As for the pain you were feeling and the self harm. Sure I know exactly what it means. Although, the fact that it was only s few times in your life I assume this was in the moments when something really bad happened to you. I always wonder if the purpose of self harm is really to show someone, even if we don’t really intend or plan for someone to see. Did this person do something about your pain, when she/he saw it?

I am sad, Yesterday he texted me and he was nice, but today: that it would be “healthier” to not do this again.  I replied I don’t regret it. He just smiled.  I can’t stop thinking about this even for a second, it’s haunting me. Maybe tomorrow would be better. I woke up early and didn’t know what to do with myself and with a free time. I have two days off and I’m scared of this much time, even though I have a lot do to. I don’t know what to do with the all this, that he was here and we did this and he left, and now it’s all gone and it doesn’t matter. What to do with those emotions, I need to suppress them again. Again I feel panic I will lose him forever this time. The fact he is ignoring me and texted me this makes me panic so much.

Dear Anita

This house that my grandparents live, No I can’t move there. I tried several times to be in good relations with them, they don’t want that.  My mother is a half owner of this house after my father, and she also has plans with it. She sometimes says she will live there and I will have this flat, sometimes she says she wants this house for me, so that I would live in quiet area. Either way, I will have to fight with her to have my own place and not have a flat and a house that both “belong” to her and I can just live there. It will be tough. Or maybe not, maybe I will clearly state that I want this house. Anyway this is my hope for a better life.

Very often in my life I used to look for a person to save me, to see my pain, to finally help me and set me free.  I never succeeded because they didn’t care. Or maybe I didn’t see that I shouldn’t have had those expectations because the only person that can make me feel better and help me is myself.  Do you agree/did you realize that later? Or do you blame this person for not caring.

What made me feel good, he kissed me when he saw me. We talked about his parents, laughed a bit. I like it when he looks at me like he used to when we were dating.  He talked like he wants to keep meeting again, looking for reasons to come by. This substitute of a relationship gives me this much happiness, it’s ridiculous how my mind tricks me. And now this panic of losing a man who doesn’t even care about his girlfriend’s feelings (not only mine, which I kind of got used to). I wonder how he went back home and how he acted when she opened the door.

It was nice, although I recently realize we don’t have that much in common anymore and I lost some respect for him knowing what he does, that it was so easy to tempt him. I know he is not a good person and not that authority for me anymore. I mean, I did this because I love him, and I have issues. He doesn’t even have feelings for me, he just couldn’t resist the simple urge, knowing this would be cheating and he chose to live with this, only to fulfill this urge. Or maybe I’m too harsh for him and it’s nothing.

Again I cant cope with the emotions and have the urge to *do something*. I don’t even know what because most of my usual self harm activities I made forbidden to myself. So I Try to be reasonable. I was looking for replacement activities to cope with emotions but I think none of them would work.  So I’m just sitting here.