HI,

Some of you may remember me, Anita may do as you gave me a lot of advice I took on board.

I was attacked by my brother 3 months after I lost my Grandmother in 2012. My mother and sisters cut me off as I refused to forgive my brother for his actions. He was violent and very mentally unwell. He had hurt his own children and the year before he chased me, he attacked my husband infront of our children. Stupidly I gave another chance as my mother threatened to cut me off if I didn’t. Big mistake as after he attacked me my life turned upside down.

In 2013 I suffered extreme anxiety, depression and agoraphobia. I was housebound for 6 months, didn’ t leave once. I lived in fear my brother would turn up at my house during the day when I was alone. I was struggling to stay strong so my children didn’t pick up on my anxiety and what had happened to me. By 2014 after some therapy things got better, I was back out driving, cinema, restaurants, I did all my appointments and my childrens. Life was great again. Yet I was still getting horrible nasty messages from my sister demanding I forgave our brother, blaming me for our mums depression and high blood pressure etc.. In the background this was hurting me. I had stupidly accepted my mum and sisters back into my life too as they said they missed me.

Basically in 2016 my world turned upside down. I experienced another trauma when my son was ill due to bullies, I then became bed ridden with chronic fatigue. I was so unwell and trying to support my son and myself. I was  later in the year diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome nad an underactive thyroid. My mother dropped me, never supported me, refused to and my sisters walked out of my life again because I was ill.  My mum would visit every 2months to see my children, see me ed ridden and just leave again, never ring to check on me etc… I felt I had to keep allowing her visits but last year I took a stand and said I didn’t want her visits. I haven’t seen her now for 16 months. I allow her to see my children at her house as and when she asks, which isn’t that often. It has helped and done wonders for me to do that. Thank you Anita for helping me find that strength.

My health started to improve last summer, life was really getting better for me with my health and anxiety. Then in the autumn a friendship I valued broke down, my best friend of 9 years suddenly walked out of my life and it hurt me beyond hurt. She then came back in December, said she was sorry and loved me but then 2 months ago she just walked out again and again it hurt me. My husband and other friends says she has major issues to treat me this way as there is no reason to do it. It has caused major abandoment issues again for me, which my friend was aware I had.

I have had anxiety 5 years on and off in severity but in November I was hit by panic. I would shake all day long, hot flushes up my body and face, severe panic attacks one after the other for 15 hours a day (no joke) I ended up bed ridden terrified to move anywhere as walking about, doing chores, washing my hair etc overwhelmed me and triggered panic. It was horrendous and as a mother I found it soul destroying my children seeing me so ill.

By early January things improved panic and anxiety wise, the anxiety had gone from panic attack level to moderate to high general anxiety, it was a huge change from how I’d been. I could eat again, I was no longer on the toilet all day long having an upset stomach, the panic attacks went from constant all day to once every week maybe. The worst thing is my body feels broken. My husband says it’s from resting so much on my bed and my body broken from all that stress it went through.

If I go downstairs to make a drink, I am on my feet say 5 minutes or so, by the time I’ve climbed the stairs and back to my bedroom my heart is at about 100, I feel light headed, out of breath… basically feel I ran around the block while the kettle boiled, that workout type feeling. It takes me 10 minutes on a better day, up to 2 hours to recover after a trip downstairs. I then get anxious, it can trigger panic if I feel bad after going downstairs. I cry to my husband every day about this as I am just useless. He is cooking every evening after work because I can’t stand long enough to do it. He said it’s just from all the resting during that bad anxiety and my body is now unfit. I am just upset, worried, I spend all day anxious about how bad I felt after going downstairs that I dread the next trip down there. I worry something is seriously wrong with me and cry a lot about it.

So this is my update, it shows how ill stress makes me. I just hope in time I will overcome this bad time and I will have good times again.

Lib