Dear Charlotte:

“they continue to show no interest. It’s all very superficial conversations, and yes it does make me angry. They have never once apologized for anything, and it hurts”- this is your current experience with your parents, same as it has been throughout your life. When you visit with your parents, you are hurt and angry. This means that part of you, the hurt and angry part, does not want to be there with them.

“But I still can’t fathom cutting them off completely.. my son.. is their only grandchild.. they do help out with him.. I don’t really have any other close family.. Is there any other way? Or do I just need to work on being at peace with who my parents are and be compassionate to little Charlotte?”-

– I understand your great difficulty with the idea of ending all contact with your parents. I don’t expect that you will, nor am I asking you to do so. Instead, I am pointing to a reality that is not okay and can not be made okay by rationalizations (thinking in ways that are not true to reality, so feel better here and there, but overall, you suffer):

Little Charlotte is hurt and angry. She is not okay with you taking her to see her parents and making her sit there, smile, and be nice to the people who never apologized for hurting her so badly. She remembers them telling her when she was hurt, “oh boo-hoo you, let me get my tiny violin”. Little Charlotte wants to get a giant violin and hit them on the head with it!

You tell her to be nice, you tell her that the visit will not last long, that the next visit will be not be the next day, but a week or two away. You tell her that they are good to your son, you tell her to think positive thoughts while she is there, maybe you tell her (I don’t know, possibly) that better not cut contact with them because they may cut you off their will-

– but none of what you tell her changes the fact that she is hurt and angry and doesn’t want to be there, it only cements her hurt and anger further.

When the visits with her parents end, you take Little Charlotte home, and she is still angry that you took her to see her parents and that you will make her see them again and again. She is angry that she never gets to have justice, which is, that her parents acknowledge that they hurt her, sincerely apologize and make amends to her!

Maybe you tell her that if she will be a bad girl if she has no contact with her parents, and if you do, she is tortured with hurt, anger and guilt.

“do I just need to work on being at peace with who my parents are”- if there was a way for you to be at peace with who your unapologetic parents while having contact with them, you would have found a way.

“do I just need to.. be compassionate to little Charlotte”- Little Charlotte is not going to be made to feel okay if you take her out for ice cream, or buy her a new toy, not if you keep disregarding her feelings.

What to do then? Talk to Little Charlotte, let her tell you what you need to know.

anita

Dear Charlotte (and Little Charlotte):

You are very welcome. Take all the time that you need to ponder and gather your thoughts, and post again when you are able and willing.

anita

You are very welcome, Charlotte. Thank you for your kind words and for wishing me a wonderful weekend- I wish you the same!

anita

Dear Charlotte:

Your post finds me well, thank you: today I went on a hike on a county trail, with other hikers sharing the paths, and true to the most recent CDC guidelines, announced by the president, people fully vaccinated are not required to wear masks outdoors (except in crowded gatherings like sports events). Fully vaccinated, I did not wear a mask when crossing paths with other people, and it felt good!

As far as your therapist saying that what you and her were to work on in therapy for the next 3- 6 months, if therapy was to end within that time frame- is all up to you and none of her choosing is a disappointing answer. Soon after I started my first quality therapy experience, after a few sessions during which my therapist learned about me, he gave me a printout with clearly stated objectives for my therapy and how he intended to meet those  objectives, within the work we did  together. Later in therapy he edited and updated that printout. When I was about to end the therapy, he presented to me what he thought was most important to work on in the time left.

Interestingly enough, it just occurred to me, my therapist at the time moved across the country to New York and lives and works, last I read, somewhere outside NYC.

anita

Dear Charlotte:

Don’t worry about when you reply, take all the time you need. Whenever you reply is okay with me. I will be back to you with more in about 12 hours from now.

anita