Another Sunday.... so lonely

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This topic has 14 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 11 months ago by Keri.

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December 14, 2013 at 4:20 pm #46754

M@ry
Participant

And here it is… another Sunday… all week I was busy with work, and then yesterday a nice Xmas dinner with friends, but come Sunday…. all my housemates are gone, either with their partners or family or friends, and I’m home alone, and I feel so lonely. I’ve been crying all day, missing my ex-boyfriend, even though I don’t want him back, I do wish he would miss me sometimes.

It’s funny, I’ve been lonely before, even IN my relationship, but now I’m single and in a new town, I just don’t know what to do with myself… I’ve had a shower, put on awesome clothes, spent a lot of time with the puppy this morning, read a book, but this lonely feeling stays with me. I don’t want to be the third wheel spending Sundays with my coupled-up new friends… and I’m getting tired of reading… after the compulsory ‘get over your breakup’ books, I have moved on to the ‘how to love and be loved’ books and now the ‘design your own life’ books, etc… but even while reading a book in the sunny weather outside, I feel ALONE. Even if I do things I love liking going for a walk, going swimming, going to the market, I will be by myself, so that doesn’t solve feeling lonely. I am hungry for people around me. I want to share these experiences with someone.

I know my ex won’t make me happy, but I keep dreaming about him realizing he made a mistake, and he wants me back, so sometimes when I wake up it feels so real… even though we had a very unhappy relationship, I miss him. I know I don’t miss HIM, but just someone who cares about me and loves me, but I’m in such a small town right now, I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone here.

December 14, 2013 at 5:33 pm #46757

cesar
Participant

Hello M@ry, I can share in your feelings, I am in the process of moving out of state after an 8 year relationship with my supposed soul mate.
My family is close by and they are very loving and supportive for me and I am truly grateful for their support. I find myself alone in the new town I am moving to I don’t know anybody here, and were ever I look I see married couples or couples, I have gotten over the fact that my ex and I will never get back together. (thank you Taylor Swift for rubbing it in.) we left as friends but I have not developed my self to forgive her yet. Its easier to blame her for my situation than it is to understand and forgive, some day soon I will learn to let it go and forgive. I am trying to heal and find myself at this time in my life, it is difficult for me as the last 8 years I had spent with someone and now I only have the company of a loving cat. I never had many friends and they are busy with their lives as they are all married with children.
I find myself now in a new town with out any friends and what looks like no prospect of finding anyone single around here. I like you go out and try to be among people to feel like I’m with people but I also feel so alone even more so when I look around and see happy couples every were. I’m the odd one walking alone.
But right now I have to heal myself and find the real person who I am and connect with him before I even think about trying to find someone else. I don’t know how long it will take until I’m ready, and I don’t even know if I will ever find someone again, But seeing the sea of couples I am surrounded with the odds are in my favor that someone will come along. I don’t know how or when but hopefully I will be healed enough to love again.
I sympathize with you and share you fears but please share in my hope that we will meet someone and love again.
my best wishes and sympathy M@ry I can understand..

December 14, 2013 at 8:37 pm #46763

Michelle
Participant

Hi M@ry,

Sending you hugs! I totally understand this feeling. From what you wrote, it sounds like you are focusing a lot of your energy externally – reading books on relationships is beautiful because it will help prepare you for your next relationship! You might consider taking some time…maybe just 10-15 minutes to begin with…sitting with yourself and treating yourself as though you are someone you’d like to get to know better. So often in relationships we place so much emphasis on our partner and we can start to “lose” ourselves in the relationship. You might think of now as the time to just get to know yourself really well, and become even more of the person that you’d like to find.

And also be kind to yourself during this time 🙂

xx
Michelle

December 14, 2013 at 8:47 pm #46765

Al
Participant

You seek affection and it is not unwarranted. If you feel as lonely as you do then perhaps it is time for you to take action to connect with another. Have you tried the various dating websites? And please, do not believe in any shame should you feel so to resort to these tools. In fact, I wholly support them. From my own observations (through numerous friends), I have witnessed them do wonders. And, at this point, I believe you must act on all your options. Doing nothing will not help your situation one bit, right? 🙂 So start moving! 🙂

December 14, 2013 at 9:26 pm #46769
Joseph
Participant
M@ry how do you feel about yourself given the fact that you read all these books, do all these activities, feel lonely and dream about your ex (that you don’t want)?

I ask because sometimes its not our feelings but our relationship to our feelings that make the difference.

Do you forgive yourself for being in this situation? Is it ok that you would feel sad and have a tough time for a bit before bouncing back?
- This reply was modified 11 years ago by Joseph.
December 14, 2013 at 11:49 pm #46771
M@ry
Participant
I like to tell myself that my feelings are normal, that I’m healing, that I’m bouncing back and forth through my emotions… the whole week I was great and busy, Sunday comes, I wake up…. and I feel like crap. It’s almost 5pm here now, and I did enjoy some time outside reading a book, and I went to the swimming pool with some friends and their kids.. so I feel better. I think I’ll get some groceries now to cook a healthy meal tonight. I know that all my feelings are a normal part of healing.. I also know I need to transform my own life, and be responsible for it 100%.

And I realize that I’ve always had these feelings, even before I had any boyfriends.. I was always a bit unhappy and feeling lonely, and I’m trying hard to change that now. I am trying new things, doing new sports, trying to make friends (small town is great, because I get invited to events, and people really make an effort to include me, but I still feel left out sometimes). I also know that I probably chose my exes (I’ve only had 2) because they were social, with many friends, with clear goals in their lives, and with lots of security.. I know I need to be more like that…

Regarding dating websites, this town is so small, there are literally 40 men on there, of which 12 in my age group. The next town is 700 km away. I know from previous times that love happens when I least expect it, which is why I’m trying so hard to change my life for the better. First goal is a career. Also, I really am not looking for a partner right now. I have so much other things I want to get in order first (career, steady income, friends, social life, hobbies, etc.). I don’t have a great income right now and I feel it’s limiting my options regarding sports (memberships cost a lot of money etc.). I try to do free stuff like walking etc. or riding a bike, but those are not really social events.
- This reply was modified 11 years ago by M@ry.
December 15, 2013 at 1:24 am #46777

Rachel
Participant

Hi Mary I totally understand as I was not only single but also my son left home so the house was like an empty large shell that I rattled around in and I spent every night crying. I have masses of friends, money, a great business and I am attractive but I just wanted a partner. Sorry but I think I did have a big D for desperate and free to good home on my head….and in my heart. I did the dating websites but if you go down this route be prepared to have some knocks as you will like guys who won’t connect with you and vice versa, some guys put pictures on ten years younger duh and when you put all your energy into getting ready to meet them and do it is disgusting – one guy I just got out of the car and told him I wouldn’t be staying. I personally do not like these sites not in the position you are in.
What did I do? I got involved in clubs such as a poetry club and a walking club and joined the gym – all making me use both my body and mind and removing the focus to working on both and gradually got uplifted. I stilll have lonely days but no more lonely tears as I have so many friends now and know if I feel low off to the gym I go for some positive energy. Holistic therapies such as reiki helped me too and look at crystals online for some to carry.
The best thing ever I did was go on a mountain climb challenge and met some awesome people and found someone with so much in common with me it was amazing and he is the love of my life and I cannot believe I am with him – definitely a character out of my ‘box’ and not someone I would have ticked or been matched up with on my internet dating profile- just really be strong and if I have a little extra I will send it to you and go and get out there – the world will not come to you.
Those books are great but action is what you need now Mary. I wish you all the best as sadness, loneliness and misery are tremendous burdens. Go for it gel x

December 15, 2013 at 4:49 am #46778

memm
Participant

I think it’s nice to remember that you’re never really alone, you can always find somebody out there to connect to. I think a lot of people are just waiting for the chance to be able to open up and have a meaningful conversation. =]

December 15, 2013 at 9:44 am #46785

Michelle
Participant

M@ry what brings you to this small town? Did you grow up there?

December 15, 2013 at 10:18 pm #46827

M@ry
Participant

Hi, thanks guys for the replies. I came to this small town, because I moved across the country after my breakup. And I came to a place where I had a friend who offered me a job. And I am still looking for a professional job, and it freaks me out…. I just had a second interview for a job in an even tinier town (4000 people)… it scares me… I just started to make friends here, and even though it is a small town, there is loads to do here. Now, if I get this new job…. 4000 people aaaaargh… it freaks me out… starting over again, being lonely again, having to make friends again… and finding love in a small town…

December 16, 2013 at 11:25 am #46855

sia
Participant

hi mary… i spend the sundays feeling the same way.. so, was reading this post.. i wanted to post these lines..
this world is soo diverse. sometimes, we feel so lonely in this big, vast, overcrowded world. sometimes we long to fill just THAT ONE PERSON’S whole world and wish to complete ours with them. either way, we are missing that someone else, who is someone other than ourselves.. when we have ourself all for ourselves, why can’t we appreciate the uninterrupted communion??(i ask myself this so many times but never get a valid answer..)
small town… big town.. when feeling lonely, nothing matters.. but, once we are comfortable being on our own, we find happiness and contentment and that makes our world.. what matters equally will be how happy and comfortable we are, having THOSE people around us… best of luck in your job hunt… i wish you get to work in a great place and have loads of friends and fun..

December 20, 2013 at 7:20 pm #47255

B.Bells
Participant

Hi Mary , I am with you on this one . Your description of being lonely made me chuckle a bit only because it sounds like me ! Even though I love reading it gets sickening after awhile when you are craving socializing with people . You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you also sound young . It is actually a good thing that you are focusing on career .
I have been lonely for years it seems . You can be married and have many friends and still feel lonely – it’s like a feeling of ‘this isn’t really me or who I am “. (I am no longer married and have left those friend behind because they were toxic)
I try to be a well balanced person and constantly get out where I can meet people – clubs , classes , small talk with strangers , what have you . I am also socially outgoing and love talking with people so it really HURTS ME that I am so lonely .
Btw I have had many nightmare experiences from online dating and I would not suggest it . I live in a fairly large size city as well .
Lonliness hurts like hell as you know . A real pain . But it seems like we all have our crosses to bear and from these challenges hopefully we will learn and that good will come from it ! ! 🙂
There is a quote that says it is better to be alone than to be in bad company which really makes me wonder how lonely this person was !
I think there is also this thing today where a lot of people have friends but they are not true blue friends nor would they be there for them if they really needed them . That is definitely a societal dilemma in our technological age . I definitely think that neither you or I are alone in this matter !
Peace and Best Wishes to you !

December 28, 2013 at 9:33 pm #47791

M@ry
Participant

And another Sunday….. I’ve been home all day… feeling like a bit of a loser. Reading my final self-help books haha, so I can start the new year ‘fresh’. My housemate and his girlfriend are pretty much my two best friends here in this new town… but they like doing things on their own a lot, understandably… other people I’ve met, don’t invite me as much. I have to invite myself, and then, still it doesn’t keep me busy 7 days a week.. I might do things with my new friends once or twice a week for a couple of hours, but then I’m still lonely the rest of the time when I’m not working. I don’t want to depend on other people to be happy, but I need people around me! I am an introvert, it’s hard for me to go out to a club by myself, or to a pool even (I will swim, but certainly won’t socialize).. How do I meet people? It’s hard for me to just start talking to strangers. In the new year I want to create a busy life for myself, and fill it will activities, and getting out there, and I really want to do that!!! I know I need to do things that I love, and that I will meet people there (for me, for example, I want to start a new sport, and take an art class).. but then I also started boxing a few months ago, and there were only 3 other people in that group! and they were in their fifities!! So I did do something I love, but it didn’t help in meeting people.. a lot of these things cost money as well, and I am stressing about my future and pension and savings, so I don’t want to spent TOO much money!

Also, just found out my ex is spending Xmas with his new girlfriend of 4 months (we broke up about 6 months ago) and her family. It hurts like hell. A final sign that says I need to MOVE ON… but why do I still dream about him coming back! I just want someone to really care about me, to really love me, but I just don’t know how to meet someone in a small town like this. I have been here about 6 months, and have met mostly couples. I know I feel so much better when I’m around positive people, but making friends is hard for me. I know I need to get ‘out there’ but then I sit at home all day feeling like I’m wasting my life away. I hope the new year will give me the motivation to finally DO something… the healing phase is gone, I need to create my best life now. forget my ex… maybe move again, because my ex has friends and family in this town…. So, it’s Sunday, 3pm now, I’m contemplating going swimming…

December 28, 2013 at 11:03 pm #47796

Anonymous
Inactive

Hello Mary,

I wish I had some words that could make it better, but unfortunately, I am in the same boat, and I know there are no words.

I “disconnected” from my ex-boyfriend 9 months ago, and just found out that he has been a new relationship for just over 7 months. This was my first Christmas without him in 10 years, and I struggled to get through.

I don’t want to make this about me, and I don’t want to give advice. I just wanted to say hello, send a virtual hug, and let you know I will be thinking about you, and that you are not alone in the feeling. I also need to move on, but find I can’t right now. So, I am sending positive healing energy your way, and to say thank you for posting. Personally, it helped me to know I am not alone in this hurt place.

Hoping for strength and courage for both of us!

January 3, 2014 at 2:18 pm #48298

Keri
Participant

Hi M@ry… I think you nailed it by saying ” I also know that I probably chose my exes (I’ve only had 2) because they were social, with many friends, with clear goals in their lives, and with lots of security.. I know I need to be more like that… ” I am in the same darn position as you feeling this painful loneliness and seeking guys as you mention. I do not consider myself unsocial or having problems with creating fun by no means. For me I’m simply trying to rid myself of the highs and lows. I have a POSITIVE anxiety level when I’m around people but then such a NEGATIVE anxiety level when by myself. There is no gray area or happy medium for me. And that’s what I’m trying to manage a little better and learn more about… for myself anyway:) Thanks kindly for sharing you story… I simply can’t believe the posts on here and how much I can relate. I wish I would of started this learning process about myself years ago:) But I have realized I can’t live in my past nor think too far ahead on the future either. I guess I’m doing what I should be doing right now… And learning more about ME from great people like you all:) Thank you…
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