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ANITA IM LOOKING 4 U !!!!!!! (i love him but suddenly not in love continued)

Home→Forums→Relationships→ANITA IM LOOKING 4 U !!!!!!! (i love him but suddenly not in love continued)

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Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 103 total)
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  • May 5, 2020 at 10:27 am #353350
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    Today is the fifth year anniversary of your mother’s passing. You were 11 when she died, so you are now sixteen, my goodness, I didn’t know that you are that young. Finding out you are only sixteen gives a new meaning, in my mind, to your worry that you will “never find somebody that loves me like him”.

    * If you are 16 now, and you got over an ex boyfriend a year ago, when you were 15, after being depressed for years over that ex boyfriend (“I gave him everything and he gave me nothing and I was depressed for years. I only got over it a year ago”), how old were you when you had your first boyfriend?

    “I can’t stress myself out anymore. I can’t have this internal conflict anymore, it’s driving me crazy.. I need real time to live on my own without talking to him”- reads reasonable to me, that you should take a break from this guy, especially knowing how old you are. There is no reason and no rush for you to be involved with any boy at this time of your life, especially given your great distress involving the current situation.

    Looking forward to your update regarding the anniversary date of your mother’s passing and regarding the meeting with your recent ex (?) boyfriend.

    anita

    May 6, 2020 at 2:53 pm #353628
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

    I went and saw him last night. I thought this was going to be the rekendle of our relationship. I brought two blankets so we could lay on the grass and look at the stars together. But he had different plans.

     

    A few hours before he told me through text that since I did what I did he’s been trying to forget. But he felt so mad and confused as to why I was having second thoughts this far in.

     

    In the car he told me it was over for now. I gave him the braceletes and we promised to Keep in contact through them. We kissed and hugged and kissed some more. And I felt everything rushing back. I wanted to be with him again. But i wasn’t going to beg.

     

    He told me at this point it wasn’t about how I felt. It was about how he felt. He says he knows he stoll loves me but for a long time he doesn’t want to be with me. My heart broke.

     

    As I was getting out of the car I told him I don’t want to leave. And he told me “a part of me doesn’t want you to leave” and I told him that that’s the problem, that another part of him does want me to leave.. and he nodded his head. So I opened the door.. kissed him one last time. And I slowly walked away backwards. It felt like something from a movie. It looked like he wanted to tell me to come back but he knew he couldn’t.

     

    When we got home we set up the braceletes and started using them. Then I got a message.. he told me that he couldn’t use them. And, he was right.. it was a strain on me too. Their meant for people in relationships. Not ex’s. I told him that I feel at peace in this ending. Like our relationship had ran itd proper course.

     

    Imagining my life without him hurts so bad Anita. But i know that it takes 30 days to stop a habit. So I’m gonna try and stop the habit of thinking of him or texting him. And reslly let it be a Break up. I love him still but I guess this was written in the stars. I’m happy now that we’re mutual on the feelings and realized Maybe it wasn’t meant to be but we’ll always love each Other.

     

    Anyways now it’s about picking myself up. And carrying on. I’ll be okay but for right now. This hurts.

     

    Lisa.

    May 6, 2020 at 3:10 pm #353632
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    You described the most beautiful break up imaginable, a perfect ending of a love story. “It felt like something from a movie” to you, and as I imagined it, it looked like something from a movie to me.

    “he told me that he couldn’t use them. And he was right.. it was a strain on me too. They’re meant for people in relationships. Not ex’s. I told him that I feel at peace in this ending. Like our relationship had ran its proper course”- you write so well, Lisa.

    I understand that it hurts, but I think it was the right thing to take place and I am impressed by how amazingly well the two of you conducted yourselves.

    Congrats for doing the right thing for yourself and may your peace last and last.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .
    May 7, 2020 at 2:32 am #353790
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I don’t know if this makes me a bad person but I’m already moved on? I still miss him and stuff but like i know that I dont want to be with him anymore at all. And even if he wjere to message me I wouldn’t get excited at all..

     

    Does this make me a bad person? We also were broken up but still talking for three weeks.. And I think during that time I was just moving on.

     

    Like when I Think about us going our complete seperate ways it makes me feel kinda sad. But nothing like i felt before.. I’m not that sad and its easy to change my mindset from that to.. It’s for the better..

     

    Maybe it’s because he finally told me he was done too, and I finally felt like i wasn’t hurting him anymore. Or maybe like i wasn’t leaving a person who was also madly in love with me.

     

    I don’t even see a future for us at all. I dont see us meeting again in the future. And I feel like how i felt before I met him. Like I feel single and normal. Does this mean maybe I was never even in love ?? I feel so bad but I know he’s okay. He hasn’t messaged me or anything it’s been almost a day since we last talked and we know there’s no bad blood. Damn I’m not sure .

     

    But i judt feel like bricks have been removed from my shoulders. I’ve seen guys that I think wow their cute again… but I would never get into another relationship yet.

     

    Yeah so that’s my new (kinda struggle) other than that I feel alot better then when I was texting you before. Do you think a Break up is what I needed ?

     

    Lisa

     

    May 7, 2020 at 3:06 am #353792
    Lisa
    Participant

    But then ahain. I do miss him and want to see him but I feel like I’ve given up. I dont know when I see him get back to normal I know itd gonna hurt. But the thing is he broke up with me last so idk

     

    May 7, 2020 at 7:05 am #353812
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    Four days ago, May 3, you wrote: “there’s the side that tells me I’m making a mistake.. I know that I’ll be stuck thinking that I made a mistake, and get super depressed… this isn’t about me anymore, it’s about making the right decision.. I  just want a fix, an answer, a solution.. this is probably the most uncertain I’ve ever been, I’m not sure what to do.. I still get that uncertain feeling.. I just feel this uncertain sad feeling”.

    You were very distressed being stuck in indecision, needing to make a decision but afraid to make it. You wanted to break up with him, that would have been that fix/ answer/ solution you needed,  but you were afraid to break up with him because you were afraid of hurting him.

    On the night of Tuesday, May 5, he made the decision for you: “He told me at this point it wasn’t about how I felt. It was about how he felt. He says .. he doesn’t want to be with me”. And on the same night he made another decision, to not use the bracelet you gave him as a gift: “he told me that he couldn’t use them. And, he was right.. it was a strain on me too”.

    So the panic, the depression, the distress, the strain.. all that seems to have been about.. wanting to break up with him but being too afraid to hurt him, feeling that you will be a bad person for hurting him. Once he broke up with you, you got what you wanted minus the guilt of hurting him.

    You didn’t want to be tied to him, not in a relationship, and not even symbolically through that bracelet. You wanted to be free.

    “I’m happy now that we’re mutual on the feelings… I’m already moved on.. I know that I don’t want to be with him anymore at all.. I’m not that sad and it’s easy to change my mindset from that to.. It’s for the better.. Maybe it’s because he finally told me he was done too, and I wasn’t hurting him anymore… I feel like how I felt before I met him.. single and normal… I just feel like bricks have been removed from my shoulders”.

    “he finally told me he was done too“- notice the word “too”, meaning you were done with the relationship first and then he was done with it, so  at that point the two  of you were done with the relationship.

    “Do you think a Break up is what I needed?”- yes, it is what you needed and wanted for a while.

    Questions for you:

    1. Are you in the habit of feeling stuck and distressed when having to make decisions, being afraid to make mistakes; do you have a serious difficulty making decisions?

    2. Do you remember situations in your life where you felt stuck with a person, not wanting to be with that person, but feeling stuck with that person because you were afraid that he or she will be hurt if you leave???

    anita

     

     

    May 7, 2020 at 12:05 pm #353854
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear anita

    , I feel different than what i was last night. I know that either way it’s a breakup so I’ll be sad. But i miss him a lot right now. Like a little

    And yes you’re right I am actually very in awe of how strong he was. He manned up and did what I was too afraid to do. And I know deep down that he did so I didn’t have too… that makes me so sad. But i can’t just ignore what I was feeling. But i wish I could.

     

    For your first question. Yes. I do make tons of mistakes. But im very afraid of them. My mistakes in love haunt me and my dad’s really hard on me.:(

     

    I miss him a l o t as I type this

     

    And for your second question. No, not that I recall

     

    May 7, 2020 at 12:42 pm #353866
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    I think that it is very important to explore the following, therefore I will ask you a couple more questions, but you don’t have to answer them. Answer only if you want to:

    1. “I do make tons of mistakes”- can you list to me 10 of those mistakes?

    2. “My mistakes in love haunt me and my dad’s really hard on me”- in what ways is your father hard on you?

    anita

    May 7, 2020 at 1:02 pm #353872
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Ok sure.

    My dad is from Barbados. In the islands people are really hard on their kids and expect them to do a lot especially immigrants  and he yells a lot. Tbh id rather not get into stuff with my dad.

     

    I just think I’ve made a mistake witg my boyfriend we haven’t talked in almost 2 days. I miss him so much omfg I haven’t cried yet but I can feel it coming

    May 7, 2020 at 1:36 pm #353880
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    “I’d rather not get into stuff with my dad”- you mean, you prefer that I don’t ask about him/ your life with him? (let me know).

    But I do need to know  this: you live with your father and with a brother, three people in the household, and you are currently in high school  but studying from home?

    anita

    May 14, 2020 at 1:19 am #354896
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear anita;

    Hey, I haven’t talked to you in a week because I’ve jusr been trying to get back to normal.

    But this past week it came over me that “I had made a mistake” with pushing him away. I told my self; “I just had been treated badly in the past  “the anniversary of my mom’s death drives me over the bend, and makes my emotions run wild” and I messaged him.

    I told him I was sorry, and really losing him made me realize that I really needed him. And I made a huge mistake, & now I had finally realized what I wanted. And that was him, so once every like, two days id message him, and he never really said much because he just was fine. He even told me that he was so good that he even thought that he’d moved on from me already;

    That was such a hit to my ego, I was thinking of all the other girls he’d find. Who he’d treat amazing. When I tell you he’s every girls dream man, he’s loving and caring and treats his mom well, he has all his shit together, hoes to school has a good job, is respected by everyone, he’s clean. ETC. So I kept thinking of all these things and it was driving me crazy.

    So I waited a few days. And I messaged him last night.. I was calm. And nice. And I told him I had made a mistake . And thay I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone but him. And he actually forgave me. He told me he still loves me. And that he would he would be down to have a fresh start. I was happy. For a moment. Then that feeling cane back that I described to you. Feeling suffocated,anxiety.. ETC.

    And I felt that I was doing the wrong thing,even now as I type this i feel like an awful person for saying all of these things about him. But i can’t help it. I have to get it out. I feel like if we where to break up. I could just feel weight lifted off my shoulders, but at the same time. I miss him and can’t let go. I dont want to hurt him. Andi don’t want to feel like a bad person.

    Is it possible to just not like somebody?, I feel like when I see him it’ll all be different. It’s just been so long. But i don’t want to see him and feel the same way, and put him through this all over again. Also he unadded me on Snapchat. And unfolliwed eachother on Instagram, and at first I was upset but after about a day, I was still thinking of him nonstop. But i had completely forgot that he had unadded me. And when I had him on socials I kept posting to annoy him, but once he was gone, I felt so much better. And a lot less draining.

    I don’t know what to do Anita these feelings of fear and sadness and anxiety and anger and depression are gone, but now it’s just trying to figure out what to do. I’ve also flirted with a few people & actually felt excited about it… yikes.

    He wants to hangout in a few days. Should I call it off for the final time. Or see him. And see if i feel different.? (Keep in mind when I seen him on my mom’s birthday, all the love cane back)( he also said that we’re taking it slow…)

    I just feel that love should be easier than this.

    I’m sorry for the longggg reply but I tried my best to articulate  properly. So please try and reply to every point you can, because each point is a point I’ve been harping on for awhile. I feel that the only way I’ll feel better is if we truly breakup. But whenever we do I get really upset

    Lisa<3

    May 14, 2020 at 6:35 am #354918
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    “please try and reply to every point you can, because each point is a point I’ve been harping on for a while”- I already did, in the four pages of your thread. You didn’t bring up anything new today, May 14.

    The two of you broke up May 5: the two of you agreed that the relationship between you was a strain to the two of you, he told you that night that he didn’t want to be with you (“He says.. he doesn’t want to be with me… he finally told me he was done too”), and the two of you broke up amicably. After the breakup you were happy that the two of you felt a breakup is better (“I’m happy now that we’re mutual on the feelings.. I’m already moved on.. It’s for the better.. I feel like how I felt before I met him.. single and normal.. I just feel like bricks have been removed from my shoulders”).

    Nine days later and he is not done, you are not done, and the two of you are back to where you were before, no difference, nothing new, so there is nothing new for me to comment on.

    (You are welcome to add something new to your next post: details about your current daily life, your daily experience with your father, etc.)

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .
    May 14, 2020 at 7:26 am #354926
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita;

    I’m sorry, when I said “I’ve been harping on it for awhile”  I meant inside of my head, not to you..

    And yeah, we are back to the same spot. But i haven’t seen him for so long so I’m thinking maybe itll be different if we hangout. I’m not sure what to do again, considering I still feel the same. I guess I just have to work this out in my own head

    Lisa

    May 14, 2020 at 8:10 am #354936
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    “I guess I just have to work this out in my own head”- if you want my input, as you work it out in your own head, you are welcome to re-read our past communication in your thread and take notes of what seems important. It may help you to do that.

    anita

    May 16, 2020 at 12:29 am #355306
    Lisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    It’s currently 3:17am,  I woke up and  my mind just started rushing thinking about him. I was just thinking about how much I love him. And I wanted to text him so bad.

    But i didn’t, I forced myself  not too. The last time I talked to him.. we were talking about the things we were changing about ourselves. And he had told me he’s making good money, and he had quit smoking.

    It hurt me to see his growth. And noticed I hadn’t had any of my own. Remember how I told you we were going to do this one more time ?.. well he changed his mind the next day and asked to be friends, and I said yes.

    And then he changed his mind on doing that TOO, and now we haven’t talked in a day. I miss him so much, I usually do by the time a day of not talking passes, but I know the only way to heal a broken heart is time.

    But all I can imagine over and over is him with a new girl. Or him posting on social media and me knowing that I have to ignore it.

    I feel like I don’t want to be with him at thus current point in my life anyways. And even if we did REALLY get back together we would breakup within a week. Because we just haven’t healed.

    I’m scared to live life without him, I’ve been flirting with guys but when all of it dies down; and we aren’t texting anymore. All I can think about is him

    And I know he’s not talking.to any girls because he’s better than that. He’s gonna take time to heal before he gives anyone the time of day. And thay hurts even more that nobody he gets with will be temporary. I miss my mommy. My heart aches.

    I wish I met him at a different time. We’ve been through so much but its so hard for me to let go. Anita I know you give wisdom but I’m asking for more advice in this situation, what do you think I’m doing wrong, how can I help myself feel better?

    I’m not saying I haven’t been getting out of bed or eating or sleeping or showering because I have but. It’s times like these. Where my phone, or my TV or anything I’m doing can’t distract me and I just sit here and think and winder what he’s up too.

     

    I haven’t even gone a whole two days withiut talking to him so, by tomorrow I will I guess.. thanks for always answering me.i reallt have nobody to talk to

     

    Lisa

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