Hello Tony,

now it is my turn to thank you for your insights!  And I have to say I was quite staggered!  If I didn’t know better I would have thought that you had met my estranged husband in person and interviewed him beforehand!  No need for any apologies, I am very happy.  Your every paragraph describes him to a T and I’m going to print out your post and put it in my divorce file to remind me of what I am leaving behind!  Shudder!

In fact, though I know it is not really a funny subject, I actually had to laugh quite often, both out of surprise that you know so much about such undesirable people (how?) and because it is so awful, it is almost funny!  Especially when you said with regard to negative traits, that “weak men attempt to have most of them”.  Classic!

I found your portrayal and explanations really enlightening.  I wish I had known about this as a young woman, it would have changed the course of my life, for sure.  It is exactly this manipulative helpfulness which makes weak guys seem like a nice person in the beginning, and which continued to confuse me a lot, but thanks to Anita’s help I am now much clearer.

The only thing which is missing for me is that you misunderstood (or more likely I failed to clearly explain) the goal I wish to achieve.  This goal is only temporary with regard to my husband as he will not be part of my future, but I think it would generally help me when dealing with the other weak men out there.  So for me it is not about how he would have to change, though I agree wholeheartedly with what you have written and it feels good to receive confirmation of what I thought myself.

Rather, to use your terminology, I want to learn how to imitate what a strong man would say to a weak man in order to set him boundaries.  But perhaps it doesn’t work like that, as the weak guys already sense the strong guy and automatically back off?  And perhaps weak men have such disregard for women that it makes no difference how you speak to them?  But that is what I would like to know: if you think there is a way I could speak to weak men which forces them to acknowledge me, and accept if not respect, my requests?

What I wouldn’t have thought to do, and which I find very interesting, is to use the words “weak” and “strong” to describe differences in male behaviour.  In astrology, whilst I’m not sure how the weak description fits in (I think they are in denial since finding the planet “Loser” LOL), the strong description is precisely the definition of the archetype of Mars, which I see as a neutral description of qualities, not sexist.

However … you have made me think about the question of strong men, of this archetype, and I conclude that I have not met any.  Of course, I must have met plenty through business, but not in a personal relationship.  And now I am asking myself why?  There is obviously the factor of my father as a primary relationship model, and he is definitely weak, and I definitely do not respect him for that.  So why didn’t I go out and look for a strong man??

I don’t know really.  It could be a combination of many things.  If I am honest I think I feel a certain amount of fear that a strong person would want to limit my freedom too much, in the way of expecting me to conform to the role they want me to play for them (as was forced upon me in childhood, I just realised).  Ironically I also had this problem with weak men too …

I think I should have been named after the goddess Diana, who begged her father to release her from the confines of womanhood and allow her freedom.  She spent her time living in nature, roaming free, just as I love to do.

Perhaps I just have some conflicting archetypes living within me!  I naturally would have loved it if a man were to have offered me his strength as protection and his love to share, but I have a very independent streak and a need for a lot of space.  So when I was young I just couldn’t cope with the thought of being a housewife as my raison d’être, I always wanted to go out there and climb my own mountains and have worldly success first.  I saw a solely housewife role as living small in the shadow of another person.  Yet at the same time I actually really love making a home, cooking, and nurturing, and have great fun taking children on adventures (btw I don’t mean to depreciate housewives at all, I’m just saying how it felt for me).

But to go back to the weak man / strong man thing.  I just wonder if I have ended up with weak men by default, as all their sugar-coated lies made me believe I was going to be left enough space, yet really, as I understand you now, I would have been given this automatically by a strong man (though possibly one who was particularly tolerant of eccentricity, methinks!)

Thank you so much for sharing your ideas with me.  I see that there is a lot going on here for me with the theme of weak and strong.  I realise that I must have been very confused as a young woman because I was repeatedly told as a child by all and sundry that I was “too strong”, so I perhaps assumed that a strong man would see me as competition? (Your thoughts on this would greatly interest me.)

At any rate, as a child I seemed to intimidate people a lot because of their perception of me.  I was always “too” something – too strong, too joyful, too tall, too fast, too clever, too talented, too slim … I guess if I’d have had supportive parents I would have grown up and embraced my way of being, but as it is I was pulled back, down and then thrown out into the world, ready or not.

To close, I have to say that it is of great comfort to me to read that you also believe contrasting archetypes can live in harmony, “these needs can live in harmony; the key is honest communication and understanding.”  I never got to experience this, but it is what I always believed to be true.  I hope to have better luck in another life.  This time round I’m just going to stick to gardening and handicrafts from now on!

Juanita

Dear Anita,

I think to aide our clear communication, there is something from my side which I didn’t want to mention, both due to the public nature of the forum and because of the nature of the information.  I will explain in vague terms, but clearly enough for you to be able to understand.  However, please do not read this when you are tired.  It is pretty tough stuff, may be triggering and is probably upsetting.  There’s no hurry to answer me.

There is a very concrete reason why I know I will never cut off contact with my mother as this would inevitably also severely affect other family members.  The reason is due to having experienced the other side of being cut off by others and the devastating effect which it had both upon myself and upon other innocent members of the family.

Before I go any further, please believe me that I genuinely do not judge you for having made your decision.  Your situation is your situation and it would be wrong for you feel you need to justify your choices just because I have made a contrary experience.  Our experiences are also not comparable, as I think you will see.

There was a situation when I was younger of a multiple homicide attempt upon my family.  Such criminals should really be called murderers, because when people survive deadly injuries by incredible fortune, this doesn’t detract from the intention and action of their attackers.

It was an indescribable shock to almost lose everyone in the blink of an eye and we spent many months together fighting for everyone to survive.  I was the only fit person standing and did my best, but I was also left to deal with everything completely alone by the extended family.  When you have helped your close family survive their horrendous injuries, needed days to clean their blood from the walls, floors and furnishings of your family home, then you inevitably become more deeply connected.

For some reason, which I see as evidence of the severely dysfunctional nature of the extended family as a whole, some extended family members saw this as an excellent time to bring up old ills and influence the whole extended family to cut contact with us.  Their excuse was with regard to my mother, but the real life effect of this was that I was left without any support network at the time I most needed it, and the effect upon my sister in particular was so distressing, it contributed in the main to literally ruining her life (as if surviving attempted murder is not terrible enough).  That is a damn hard thing to have to witness.  She was so funny and beautiful as a child, I thought she would have a wonderful life and it is heart-breaking to see her now.  I am independent by nature and an adventurer, but my sister needed to feel part of a group to feel safe.

I absolutely get it that cutting of contact with damaging persons is of benefit to oneself and the most direct way to the goal of healing, and I do always take that way when I can.  But I am convinced that there are also other ways of achieving this goal and  in this case I will simply keep at it until I succeed.  I have already overcome so much and they say you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

I hope this is not all too intense, but there is one other thing I would like to say, which is that I truly do feel it is something very sacred to giving life and to being born.  I know many, if not most, parents lack the conscious awareness to realise this, but it doesn’t make it any less sacred to me.

Of course I can understand where you are coming from.  I have observed all my life how far too many women become mothers without being suitable, conscious or even willing, so I agree wholeheartedly that women do not automatically deserve a gold medal, or a goddess throne (LOL!) just because they are mothers, although it is a big social stigma still to “dare” to criticise a mother.

It would be nice if we could experience that the life-giver were like a goddess, how amazing would that be!  For me though, believing as I do that we are an independent soul coming from the Divine, I feel it is not so much about the person who is the mother, but more about receiving the amazing gift of life itself.  A metaphor: you may or may not care for your postman, but if you receive a great gift, that’s a happy day!

It doesn’t feel to me like being good to myself, honouring myself, if I compare the birth process to a mere bio-mechanical function of some woman’s body.  Rather, I believe that no matter who/how the mother may be, our coming into life is sacred and shows us that holiness can be found even in the deepest darkness.  So I do not attribute creation to the darkness, but rather to the Light.

I am not sure if I’ve really explained myself clearly on that last bit!  You will let me know.  But I hope overall to have enabled you to more clarity about my position and motives.

Juanita

oh Tony,

I must be the exception to the rule!  Except for perhaps 2 years ago when I had a bad depression, I’ve always been a competent, independent woman!  I know it is due to unconscious patterns from my childhood that I have ended up with such weak idiots, but I don’t see myself as weak or dependent.  I clearly didn’t have a good antenna for recognising falsifying so far, but I am very aware now, especially after the way you have described these men.

I am totally not looking for another man, I have given up.  It’s also not so much fun now as men tend not to care for themselves physically and are often not too attractive, and I’m not desperate.  Being a competent, independent woman, I am okay on my own.  I like my own company and am never bored.

And your confirmation that there are many men like my ex just shows that it’s not worth the bother.  I also believe that in this day and age of instant pornography and online dating, I am like a being from another galaxy compared to where many of these men are at.

Juanita

Dear Anita,

I am very sorry to have distressed you.  It’s a complicated situation and I just didn’t know how else to explain my reasons but I felt that our open communication deserves the truth. I’m sorry if there would have been a simpler, less upsetting way, but how else could you understand if I don’t say it?

My experiences took a long time to get over, maybe you never completely get over something like that.  I have a delicate balance to achieve but it feels like the right decision.  The whole family was influenced to cut contact, a big family spread over all continents, not just the local ones.  I am the only other relative my sister and her child have, and soon to be the only one due to our parents’ ages.  She never recovered her old self after what she went through.  It is all very sad.

You don’t have to say anything more than the understanding and compassion you have already expressed, thank you.  You couldn’t possibly have known.

Where to go from here, dear Anita, is writing wonderful support as you do.  I was so deeply touched by your suggestion that I just allow myself to write here and let my creativity flow.  Maybe I will really start doing that in some way, I’m not sure it is something I want to do on a public platform though.

I feel lots of little seeds begin to wake into life through our contact.  I am more grateful for this than I can possibly express in words.  I am a strong person, but very alone at this phase in my life, so to have the possibility of being able to express myself openly, to wonder, learn, question, is a very great gift.  I have become much happier since we are communicating.

Juanita