Anger I Can't Get Rid of?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 8 months ago by Matt.

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August 7, 2014 at 1:17 pm #62837

Caitlyn
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I have been in a relationship for more than three years now. We have grown into a great couple and we really grown as individuals. We are complete opposites, not only in the astrology world, but even just in general. My boyfriend loves to be around people and has this need of constant companionship. He smothers me with affection and tells me everyday how in love he is with me. He treats me how every girl wants to be treated as well as tells me what every girl, for the most part, wants to hear. My boyfriend has just graduated college and is behind on the ball if you will. He has no will power or ambition really to even find a job. His passion is basketball and his dream is to coach a college team. His degree is in marketing and he wants to go for his masters in education and eventually work his way to become a teacher and then become a coach.

With that said, I find myself so angry with him…all of the time. Whenever I talk to him lately I am angry and annoyed and just frustrated because whatever he is doing just annoys me, and I know how bad that is. He is a camp counselor and works with little kids all day and loves it. Due to his job we can’t talk all day. I am two years younger and still in school interning in NYC and pursuing my passion and field of study. I hate that we can’t talk because I feel that I am missing out on what is going on in his life and I hate that. We have had issues in the past with lying, where he has either not told me something or just lied to me about something. After not talking all day, he likes to go out with his friends to the bars or just hangout which that adds on more time that him and I don’t talk. All of his friends are single so none of his friends know what it’s like to have someone else. I feel like I am crazy and that I am the one with the issues and that I can’t be mad at him, but I know that a relationship goes two ways and this isn’t all me.

Any advice?

August 7, 2014 at 1:55 pm #62840

Kandi
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I would have a heart to heart with him and let him know how you are feeling. You may also want to find a good couples counselor and see if you can work out these issues.

August 7, 2014 at 3:55 pm #62849

Anonymous
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Anger is the result of an expectation that we have that is not being met.

August 7, 2014 at 4:37 pm #62852
Big blue
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Hi Caitlyn,

You are both pretty young and generally happy – it sounds, but you need more frequent communication than he does. If this is a good summary, have a talk and express that your feelings and needs.

I recall being your age and going all day without talking. It was not a problem. I had a co-worker – his girlfriend called him hourly at work. Either approach works.

Today, with smartphones and other services, we can be in touch constantly, or sometimes, or turn them off.

Even with these communication tools, we need good old eye-to-eye conversation to communicate on issues. This may be uncomfortable, and you may not agree on everything, but you do need to talk and work things out.

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Big blue.
August 7, 2014 at 5:44 pm #62855

Matt
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Caitlyn,

It sounds like you’re having difficulty trusting him. So its like a nagging fear that doesn’t go away, a fly buzzing in your ear, all sorts of fantasies playing out of “what might be happening on his side”, many of them painful. If he had earned your trust, why would there be fear? If its envy, such as mad he’s having fun and you’re feeling stressed, well, that’s yours. Both of you deserve fun. 🙂

Consider that the stress alongside wounded trust isn’t really “yours”, such as “Caitlyn has an issue”, rather, the relationship has bruised trust, and stress is a result. Fear of what has happened that isn’t being said sometimes clouds up things, distracts us, like a bunch of balls juggled. “What’s really happening there?” The anger is a natural bloom when being squished by a situation like a LDR with trust issues.

Building that trust has to happen on both sides. Both partners have to come to the plate, be there, honest, heartfelt, and patient. If he can’t? Move on. You deserve someone that does, in my opinion. Just remember that patience and trust grow hand in hand, such as him giving you the time to grow trusting, and you giving him the time to grow trustworthy/honest.

Finally, consider that the “mystery of the camp boyfriend” can demand a lot of attention, and its important not to get too drawn in and neglect finding your own happiness. Make sure you’re self nurturing, eating well, resting, and so forth. The heat of anger often is sparked by “its just too much”, which lessens as we take the time to unwind, relax, find comfort. My favorite of these is metta meditation. By getting in the habit of thinking friendly thoughts, our bodies get in the habit of feeling friendly feelings. Consider “Sharon Salzberg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested. Or, consider hopping in a tub with candles, listening to soft music, walking in nature… anything that helps relax, let go of the agitation, and so forth.

Also, I agree with Kandi’s heartfelt advice for the heart to heart. Its good to get the cards out on the table. Consider a strategy of staying on your side, such as “I want, think, feel…” rather than “You don’t…” Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt
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