Dear Dave:

It seems to me that the woman at the gym is very uncomfortable being assertive. She feels distress at the prospect of saying: “I am not interested” or just “No.”

So she says: “Maybe” and “Later” and keeps postponing – forever more- the task of saying “No.”

It is as if she is afraid of saying No, as if you will punish her. So she keeps hinting, keeps postponing, keeps the double talk to avoid the danger she feels there is in an honest No.

She will stop going to the gym before saying No.

Life must be difficult for her this way. Can you imagine having a relationship with her and having to read her mind (which cannot be done). Having to guess if she means X when she says Y? And do so regularly? That will exhaust you, won’t it? Won’t be good for your anxiety and depression.

The real connection you felt with her, i don’t know what she felt and I don’t think she’ll tell you. She may hint at it but you will need magic to decipher the hint…

anita

Dear Dave:

I understand the tears in your eyes. I understand your motivation was to have a loving relationship and you were willing to go through the process, the initiation, the getting to know each other but you got blocked.

When you fought and she said No, that does not contradict what I think is her problem with being assertive. None assertive people do explode in aggression and then, after the aggressive explosion, they go back to being passive, as it seems like she has.

When she said: “We could give a relationship a chance, but with time.” What did she mean? Well, time will tell… past tense: time already told. Nothing happened.

To be “boyfriend material” you have to find “girlfriend material” and for you, it is very clearly an honest, direct woman. Some men may feel comfortable with a hinting woman, but you don’t and if I was you, i wouldn’t feel comfortable with a hinting person. I too will want clarity: just tell me your truth, be it yes or no.

You didn’t fail as boyfriend material because you didn’t try with a girlfriend material, is my point. Maybe it is similar to this example: you are hungry and so, you pull out grass and eat it, but it tastes bitter and you spit it out. Then your conclusion is: I am not Hungry Material. When in fact you were hungry, it is the grass that wasn’t Food Material. What do you think?

anita

Dear Dave:

You are welcome and anytime. Post again, any topic.

anita

Try this: do nothing.. Say nothing but hello. She sounds like she enjoys the chase. Do this for a couple weeks and see what occurs.

Female here, and am 100% with Michelle Scott. Women are approached by men all the time, and we have no idea who is going to turn violent or obsessive. Frankly, if I ask someone out and they are “too busy” or less than enthusiastic, that will tell me all I need to know the first time, and I will respect their time and move on with grace.

To address your claim that violence against women in these cases doesn’t happen, a simple google of “women rejects advance” should tell you what you need to know. Just today I read in a national newspaper of a man who shot a woman’s toddler because the woman turned him down. Good lord, this stuff happens all the time.

Now, to address your actual predicament. You seem to be operating under the expectation that if you show yourself to be a “nice guy” and “boyfriend material” that she should want a relationship with you, and that if she doesn’t she is somehow “letting you down”. Hear this. You are effectively accusing her of breaching a contract that *she never signed*. Women are people, with our own desires. We don’t owe you sex or a relationship simply because we had a conversation with you and you managed to fake being nice. I say fake because you clearly have an objective here. You want to close the deal rather than respecting her as a person.

I am genuinely sorry that your depression and anxiety makes it difficult to connect with people. I have depression and anxiety as well. I do understand and have compassion on that front, and I also genuinely hope that this incident can be chalked up to a learning experience and not make you withdraw further. BUT. You need to learn to relate to women in a healthier way, and also learn to read and respect boundaries. An “I’m busy” is a “no”. No further analysis required. The next time you ask someone out, ask once. If you get a less than emphatic “yes”, there’s your answer. You don’t ask multiple times. As Michelle said, that is creepy.

You don’t want to hear this, I know. And I’m sure you’re not a terrible person. Just…listen to what the actual women here are saying and learn from it.