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Am I Wrong to be Upset?

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  • #359314
    Marnie
    Participant

    Hello, I have been married to my husband for four years, but we have been together for nine. We have a 7-month old daughter and two pets. He is in the military and I’m a teacher. I put off getting a teaching job because he was applying for a program within the military and if he got into the program, we would have to move. We did that for three years. This year when he didn’t get it, he told me to go for a teaching job and that he supports me in doing that. I applied for a job and got it. Then, a while later, I told me that he applied for a completely different program that would take him across the country for nine months. When I brought up my teaching job, he said he hadn’t even considered it and that I could just break the contract. I am not going to do that, so I will have our daughter and the animals here with me and he is going to go do the program. He said that it will make him happy, but it is at my expense. I feel like I constantly have been sacrificing for him and his career and this felt like betrayal. He didn’t tell me or talk to me about this job and this is after he talked about it being okay for me to go back into teaching. His being happy feels contingent about chasing the next best thing, not our family. Am I right in being angry? How can I get past this? I talked to him and he just says sorry and that it won’t happen again, but that just doesn’t feel like enough.

    #359328
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marnie:

    “When I brought up my teaching job, he said he hadn’t even considered it and that I could just break the contract”- he was inconsiderate to not consider your thoughts and feelings about moving across the country. He should not have made that decision on his own, before asking for your input.

    Did I understand correctly, that you will stay where you are now, working as a teacher and caring for your daughter and pets while he moves across the country by himself?

    I didn’t understand this sentence: “He said that it will make him happy, but it is at my expense”- did he say that it will make him happy if you stay where you are, work as a teacher and take care of your daughter for as long as you pay for the living expenses of yourself, your daughter and your pets??

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .
    #359340
    Marnie
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My husband will be going across the country alone and I will be staying with our baby and pets.

    As for the sentence “He said that it will make him happy, but it is at my expense,” I should have worded that better. He said the opportunity will make him happy. This in turn makes me feel like his happiness comes at my expense. Not financially, but emotionally and physically. I am left with taking care of the family while he just does what he wants.

    Marnie

    #359344
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Marnie:

    Like I suggested, your husband should talk to you before he makes decisions that affect you. It is selfish of him to not ask you for your thoughts and your feelings about what he considers to do, and take your thoughts and your feelings seriously.

    When he doesn’t consider your feelings/ your well being, what happens as a result is just what you wrote: you are “left taking care of the family while he just does what he wants”.

    Is he selfish overall, as a husband and as a father?

    anita

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