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Am I unlovable?

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  • #127781
    Stine H.
    Participant

    Let me just put this out there..

    I’m tired…

    I’m so tired of being rejected again and again…
    I’m tired of feeling lonely now when everyone I know are moving on to relationships.
    I’m so.. tired.. of getting my heart crushed..

    Am I unlovable? I seem to “do all the things right” when it comes to dating. I’m not bad looking, I don’t have high standards, my only criteria being: he should be a nice person and treat me well like I’d treat him.

    I’ve been out there dating for 8 years, no, 6 to be correct, for the first 2 years I was finding myself and getting comfortable with being me and being single. Then slowly I opened up to meet new people, I’ve tried to go with the flow and not search for love since my friends always say: “he’ll come when you least exclect it!!” But I’ve also tried to search and be active in trying to find love.

    It has maybe only happened 5 times that I really fell head over heels in love with someone. It doesn’t happen often to me because I’m a very cautious person. But every single time I finally muster up the confidence to say that I like them, they don’t feel the same way.. or they do, but then suddenly change their minds.

    I don’t know what I’m doing wrong! I’m not a super fast person, I don’t proceed quickly to the next step but let it take some time, I evaluate how I feel first, I’m relatively outgoing, not super clingy at all because I have a lot of hobbies and friends I spend time on too. I may be a little whacky, I have some unusual hobbies and I am very nerdy whether it’s Shakespeare or computer games, I like it all! But I’d like to think it adds to just me being .. well me!

    I don’t go about flirting with everyone or picks the first and the best, so it hurts because every – single – time – I like someone, and I wish something more could happen, it never happens. I never get angry either, I always respect their feelings and if they don’t feel the same way, then it’s just the way it is. I get sad, of course, but there’s nothing I can do… so here I am… 8 years of singleness… I’m starting to loose hope… is it possible that some people are just unlovable? Is there anything I can do? I have never tried to be in a real relationship with someone who loves me. And I’m starting to get relatively close to thirty.

    I hope someone have any advice for me. I’ve embraced my singleness for a long time, but I’m ready for something more, and the loneliness gets to me.. but my heart almost can’t take any more rejections.

    Thanks

    Xx

    #127785
    Maureen
    Participant

    Hello Xx,

    I do not know how this came about in my email and I do not normally participate in forums. But I am going to share with you that you are not unlovable and you are not alone in thinking this way. Please take a pause and consider this thought before you go any further.

    I am 62. I have felt un-loveable most of my my life, until it was pointed out to me that perhaps my family loved me, I had some friends that loved me, my dog loved me and in fact I was not unlovable. Like you are probably feeling right now, at the time this did little to comfort me as my parents actually did not love and neither did my brothers and sisters. It does not get much worse than that does it?
    You can perhaps be in a better position to decide if you need to change a pattern and how.

    One of the things I have always pushed hard against is other people’s insight on my behavior. I see that as a pattern I need to change. Perhaps they are right if even a little bit right. I of course do not have to let them know I am right, but I will give it some thought.

    Here is a piece of myself; I have raised 4 sons. They do not call me, nor remember me when it is important to me. Why? Are they ungrateful and selfish,..a little. But I realize that I have to take the “mother smother” off of them for them to feel comfortable around me. I know this will take years for them to recognize and they will test me. But I want a relationship with them and taking a pause has given me time to think this over.

    Do this for yourself. BTW, I am confident that anyone reading your email felt some love for you.

    Fond regards,

    Maureen

    #127787
    Maureen
    Participant

    I am so sorry. I got caught up in the topic, I wanted to encourage you to please read more about pause therapy and see if it would be a good option for you. Maureen

    #127811
    Mark
    Participant

    I understand how you feel. I am much the same I know and love who I am, but I’m quirky and different and it seems almost never truly accepted by people. I’ve only truly been in love twice and have spent most of the past 12 years in 2 long term relationships. One was a love, and one wasn’t. The love was the first time I ever felt someone completely accepted me. She kinda renewed my hope. My best advice would be moderation: Don’t try too hard at finding someone as this leads to the negative feelings about yourself/relationships, but also don’t give up or avoid social situations and dates, as that really lowers your chances of finding what you are looking for. Keep your head up and be who you are even if it’s not the easiest path. Best of luck to both of us! (excuse my horrible grammar I felt like putting things the way I feel supersedes proper diction) X)

    #127815
    Stine H.
    Participant

    First of, thanks to the two of you for replying to my post, I really appreciate it!

    Maureen: I’m not entirely sure I understand what you meant? I’m sorry, if I misunderstand t, English is not my first language. But do you mean I need to come to a self acceptance??

    Mark: I’m glad you understand, I appreciate your kind words. I’m gonna try to hang in there, and I hope there’s love for me in the future. It gets hard just having to hang in there, whilst for some people – like many of my friends – finding love just comes easy to them.

    I am very glad to know, however, that I’m not alone with this feeling. I also know that my friends and family love me – without doubt – but I just long for that person who love me in a special way. A relationship that goes a little deeper. As many people, I think, at some point in their life long for. And it’s good to know what I sorta need to do about it.

    Thanks again! Xx

    #127819
    Maureen
    Participant

    No. I mean you need to take a pause, like a pause button ⏸
    During this time you take the pressure off of yourself to find a mate. That is stop looking for now. When you pause, you reflect on your patterns in life. Identify them. Then see how they are working for you. During the pause you think about if you need to make a change in your life patterns. Pausing is the best time to make decisions. You can also think back to being unlovable and being lovable. For example; when did you feel lovable?

    I read the book “Love Languages”, it is not just a female book. It is a philosophy that has some merit. Maybe you should read this during your ⏸.

    Regardless of your language; Google this: Pause Button Therapy. I did and it helped me. Is helping me right now.

    #127827
    Stine H.
    Participant

    Hi Maureen,

    Okay, now I understand. Must have been confused because it was really late. I’m sorry I was confused, but I get it now. I’ll google that pause button therapy, it sounds interesting. I will definitely look into it on google. Would be nice if it works for me too. Thanks so much for the suggestion!

    #127829
    Cheryl
    Participant

    Hi, I feel that often my husband left me nearly a year ago and I’ve just stated to look around possibly dating , I feel unlovable people say I’m attractive and a lovely person but I still feel unworthy. I followe Buddhist boot camp on face book and I absolutely loved this , I hope it resonates with you

    It doesn’t matter if you’re single or in a relationship, the following is always important to remember in life: After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn’t mean possession, and company doesn’t mean security. You begin to understand that kisses aren’t contracts, and gifts aren’t promises. You begin to accept defeats with your head high and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. So you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden, and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure.. that you really are strong.. and that you really do have worth. And you learn.. and you learn… with every goodbye, you learn — Veronica Shoffstall

    #127839
    Teddy
    Participant

    No you are not i can categorically tell you that. Nobody is…
    Here is the problem ? What was the reason every of your break ups, did they complain about a certain thing or attitude ? think deep down what do you think caused the break up ? Though they had their own issues, they are jerks and rest but i still want you to look deep down.
    2. Most of the time we try to love those that dont love us
    3. Create boundaries for your self, where you see a red flag in a new relationship, move away fast.
    3. You might as have been dating jerks. They dont derserve you
    The right person will come along

    #127843
    Stine H.
    Participant

    Thanks to both of you for the answers.

    Teddy:

    Thanks for the answer! I can assure you I’ve thought it through many times. They’re not necessarily jerks those I’ve been dating, but they have just never felt the same way. I have tried asking if they would always be honest with me, and tell me if there was something I did wrong ect. But never had anyone say anything, they said I’m a great person, they just don’t feel the same way – or have changed their mind. One or two have said it’s been because of my weight – I’m not super big, but I’m a bit curvy. But I can’t change that. It’s how I am and I’m already working out and eating healthily so I’m not gonna try change that for someone. I feel fairly confident in my own skin.

    Last time it happened I did ask more firmly if there was anything wrong I did, because I wanted to know, but still got the same answer – you’re a great person. You’ll find someone someday.

    But it can’t carry on like that can it? If I’m a great person then why do I never find someone ? I’ve never had someone and I deeply wish to get that experience.

    I’ll try look for red flags, so far I can’t see any as they all seem like good people but they just tend to suddenly change their mind or not feel the same in general. I don’t really see any red flags in their behaviour as such.. which is why I feel like there must be some sort of bad luck or aura about me that makes me unsuited for being a person people want to be with?

    #127849
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stine H.:

    The problem you state in this thread and in your first thread a month ago is:

    in your 6-8 years of looking for a love relationship with a man, no man has ever loved you back; every man you were interested in either wasn’t interested in you or was but soon changed his mind.

    Next you looked for possible reasons for the problem. These are the possible reasons you considered in your two threads:
    The way you look- that’s not it; you stated that you are physically attractive.
    Having expectations that are too high- that’s not it; you stated that your only criteria is that they man is “a nice person and treat (you) well”
    You are too fast/ too clingy/ men are indecent- no, no and no. The men are “good people” (no red flags)

    And like in your first thread, you came up with the possibility that you have “bad luck” an unfavorable “aura” or a “curse”- and another possibility, that you are unlovable (title of your thread).

    There is one other possibility that I want to point to as such and it may be the elephant in the room that you are not attending to. In your other thread you wrote:
    “I have borderline personality disorder…at times can’t control my emotions and becomes very easily suicidal. On top of that I tend to suffer from occassional anxiety and black outs”-

    Could that be it?

    anita

    #127919
    Stine H.
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I tend to lash out for myself. I always keep my emotions in 110% check when I’m with people. I try my best to not become overly emotional or let my borderline inflict any damage. It happens a lot after I get disappointed. I do, of course, make sure I’m absolutely honest with them. I do let them know that I have a diagnosis but that I’m also much more than that. I have worked a lot and still work a lot on it, I’m in therapy, I’ve worked on it since I was 16. I’ve learned a lot from past mistakes but over this long time, I’ve always kept my emotions in check around the guys I date.. so I don’t know what it is.. it has happened that I get emotional (happened with the last one) but he was very understanding and supportive when something unexpected happened and I got very emotional.

    But even if that was it.. then can someone who has a mental illness never find love?

    #127937
    Brav3
    Participant

    Hey Stine,

    You are only unlovable if you believe it. You can be the most lovable person if you believe it to.

    You wrote that 2 years of your life you were getting comfortable with being single and being you. However, the things that you wrote, I am sorry to say that you are no way even near being comfortable with yourself and being comfortable with single status.
    And that is why, you feel despair and this huge pain due to loneliness.

    I will give you one single and simple thing to try.

    Stop getting yourself consumed with self pity and looking for sympathy, it will not solve your problems but only will keep you in this loop. Master to make loneliness and silence as your best friends and you will find people wants to be with you.

    Good luck
    Brav3

    #127941
    growingthrulife
    Participant

    Hi Stine

    Where are you meeting these guys? Maybe the places you’re finding them aren’t the right places for you.

    What else is important in your life to you, besides finding a guy?

    #127969
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Stine H.:

    Of course, someone with a mental illness can find love and is lovable. I want to reply to your last post more thoroughly in twelve hours or so.
    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)

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