How are you, Notebook?

anita

Dear Notebook6:

Good to read back from you, and to read that you are feeling calmer. Why are you feeling nervous about the gathering with mutual friends next week?

anita

Dear Notebook6:

This gathering will be in-person, in your home town? (I know that you wrote that you will be there until the end of February, I don’t know when your stay in your hometown begins). About your permanent acne scar, there is this cosmetic stick I bought in the pharmacy, it comes in different shades to match your skin color and it covers brown spots and I am guessing it can cover acne scars as well.

Try to not worry about blushing. Some people think blushing is cute. So even if it feels like a terrible thing to you, your friend is probably going to think it’s fine. He may not even notice it.

I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear Notebook6:

Yes, that’s what the cosmetic thing I mentioned is called: a concealer. That topic is covered then. About the blushing, like I said: you feel like it’s a horrible thing, but people may not notice, or not think much of it, or if they do, they may think it’s cute. Practice slow deep breathing, on the plane and during the get together, that should slow down the blushing and maybe even prevent it. Try to not overthink it… focus on your breathing instead, Have a safe flight and a pleasant enough stay in your hometown!

anita

Dear Notebook6:

Do the calming breathing exercise you mentioned regularly. When you find yourself overthinking, hold something in your hand (maybe a small stone that you can carry in your purse), hold it, turn it around in your hand, and focus on how it feels: its texture, shape, temperature. Shifting your focus from your overthinking brain to one of your senses (touch in this case) will calm you down every time. I am looking forward to reading from you again, when it’s convenient for you to update me on your travels and stay in your hometown. I wish you safe and smooth travels!

anita

Dear Notebook1:

Welcome back to your thread! Before I read your recent post five months after your last, I want to recall a few things: October 2018, you left your hometown and country and moved to a new country where you started a new job. You liked the job but you were lonely. Early 2020: while living in the new country, you got closer to a hometown male friend whom you knew for five years, and the two of you were texting each other every day. You felt a deep connection to him (at one point, you referred to the friendship as “almost relationship” . Dec 2020-Feb 2021: you were worried about a decline in your conversation frequency with him, feeling an “intense fear of losing him”. March 7, 2021: you felt better because the texting frequency with him increased, you “felt like the connection is back as usual”. January 12, 2022: you were worried again about a decline in he communication with him since he returned to work in the office (following lockdown restrictions easing). You were afraid that he will get closer to women at his workplace. Otherwise, you felt “loneliness after working from home for 2 years… socially deprived and have no life. Which contribute to my neediness towards him”, you wrote back in January this year.

Back in Jan 2022, you shared that in 2 weeks you were traveling back to your hometown and stay there for a month, until the end of February. You were worried about a gathering in your hometown in which he will be present. You were afraid that he will see an acne scar on your face and that he will see you blushing.

And now, I will be reading and responding to your recent post part by part (responding to one part before reading the next part): “We finally got together two months ago, he came over to the country I work” – I am guessing that your visit to your hometown was cancelled (or it happened and he visited you in the new country a couple of months after your visit)?

“and we were officially together” – how exciting!

“I was so happy this happen after the two years struggle. Apparently he had the same struggle as me… we both wanted to be childless and agreed to move in together next year, we will have our separate room in order to focus on own work. He also mentioned about getting married. In short, things were going smoothly between us” – I am very excited reading this!

“He was being kind and loving towards me too, he is also aware of my insecurity, recently he volunteered to unfollow a female artist that I was jealous of… He understands that and says we will both face my insecurity together” – wow! Amazing! (In the back of my mind though, I am waiting for a But… there is a problem, or problems).

“Despite him being understanding and caring, I realised my insecurities has happened quite frequently recently” – oops, problems.

“A week ago he attended an art market, and a female fan gave him a pack of foods and drink, with a message card asking him to eat well and take care. He showed me the message card and I started to overthink again… recently I’ve noticed there is a decline of our interaction since his art market last week. It can be understood as he is busying with delivering his art orders so he can focus on our short trip happening next week…. But the anxious part of me would worry if he has starting to lost interest in me after all the insecurities….

“he has done everything he could and there is no proof that he did any wrong. It is all about me being insecure. I really wanted to fix this but I don’t know how. We are still having long distance relationship and we meet once every 2 months in average… How can I do to be more secure in relationship? I really don’t want it affecting this relationship negatively” –

– We discussed your Anxious Attachment Style earlier (I’ll refer to it for simplicity’s sake, as AAS). No matter how understanding and accommodating your boyfriend is, he cannot make your AAS go away. He did not cause it and he cannot resolve it. Resolving it is your job, your responsibility- not his.

The reason I am emphasizing it is because it wouldn’t be fair to him to burden him with your AAS, to… make him suffer  because of it (remember, he did not cause it and he cannot resolve it). Plus, when you burden him with your AAS, you suffer even more because you worry that burdening him will cause him to get distant from you.

AAS is so common that there are many self-help books on the topic. Here are a few titles: (1) “Anxiety in Relationships: Overcoming insecurity and negative thinking. Dealing with jealousy and Attachment in Love..”,

(2) “Anxious Attachment: Coping Strategies to Deal with Anxiety, Insecurity, Fear of Abandonment and Reconnect with your Partner”,

(3) A workbook: “The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships”.

There are many online resources as well, ex: the attachment project. com/ anxious attachment and very well health. com/ anxious attachment, both include suggestions, coping techniques and strategies.

Both of the above online resources point to inconsistent parenting as the cause of AAS: sometimes the parent was there for the child, at other times- not there, and the child doesn’t know why and can’t predict the next time she’d be left alone… sometimes the parent is angry at the child, and the child gets scared and confused because she doesn’t know why the parent is angry, and not knowing why, the child can’t prevent the parent’s anger from happening again, so the child becomes hypervigilant, overthinking… any of this sounds familiar to you, in regard to your childhood?

anita