Am I the abuser :/

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This topic has 8 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Kath.

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October 20, 2016 at 2:15 pm #118571
D
Participant
I’m really confused and hoping if I give as much of an honest fair version of events I might find others opinions helpful?
For whatever reason my partner betrayed me via an insane amount of communication with his ex girlfriend. He initially said it was business (they shared 3 property’s in business together). After the initial all nice period I realised the communication was a little too much for my comfort. I explained this and he promised it was all only in my head and just purely business. She was in another relationship and as far as I see it she enjoyed his being there for her. He would do any work she required in other properties and even fitted a kitchen for her….all behind my back and I was to discover much later (because I’d only see it wrong and he didn’t want to have to justify it). After a year I blew up. I recall it being new year and him telling me he would always put his business first so I or any woman would just have to accept that. I chose not to accept it and finished with him. I’d heard her name mentioned every single day for the past two weeks, (yes I’d gotten so pathetic I was counting) :/. He promised he saw things from my perspective and that things would change. He didn’t want to lose me and this had gave him the shake he needed.
For the next few months things seemed good. But then they were going through a sale of a valuable property. I had to understand there would be communication though this seemed to be minimal. There was always signs that would drive me insane and make me question though. He would go to the loo way more than any man had too. His phone was literally attached to him constantly and I’d to accept it was just habit. He would argue his innocence constantly and made me out to be a crazy insecure lunatic that was abusing him to all that would listen. All the while my gut instinct told me something was going on but my heart wanted to believe I really was an overreacting insecure impossible woman that he loved so much he’d put up with it! Anyway after 2 years I woke up with him at the edge of my bed holding my phone. He’d logged into my Facebook and gone through every history that was there. Even years pre our relationship. I couldn’t let this go. I knew in my heart it was psychological projection at its best! So I demanded to see his phone history. But not the phone one….I knew he’d been too sneaky for me. I demanded to online account access. He claimed after weeks of pleading that he couldn’t because on a previous break he’d went online dating and had called another woman numerous times…..,(this turned out to be a lie to hide the contact he’d had with his ex). I refused to be with him until I saw for myself. So I discovered that after 2 years of being with me he’d still been calling the ex nearly 200 times a month. 187 to be exact one month (yes I pathetically remember the exact amount)…..plus texts and WhatsApp that had already been deleted. I felt so betrayed! I stayed with him because this happened in February and I had the evidence that he’d stopped it himself the December previous when he’d moved in with me. I guessed that meant something. But since he stopped with her he’s started telling his family lies about why we fight and now he takes private calls with them! They all hate me! He refuses to see that he’s caused this and tells me I forced him to as he needs someone to talk to about our problems. I’m so stupid as I really love the person he is when he’s not doing this to me :(. I keep everything to myself because I’d hate my family to dislike him. What the heck can I do to stop him. What is fundamentally wrong with us or me or him? I keep thinking if we’ve seen this through and there’s still love there must be something to fight for? He tells me I abuse him and maybe I do. I constantly nag and stress over the hidden chats behind my back. I’m so depressed with it all now. I just wish it would stop and we could start over again. It’s a huge mess and yet I’m still hoping it’s fixable :(.
- This topic was modified 8 years ago by D.
October 20, 2016 at 5:30 pm #118578

Ashley Potts
Participant

Hi D,

I personally dont consider you an “abuser”. You have trust issues. I completely understand why you would be upset. Being a woman, we see other women as threats, especially our boyfriends exes. He should not lie to you, no matter what the circumstances. There should always be open communication, even if he knows it makes you uneasy. So, please do not think that you’re crazy.

I understand that you love him, but is this what you feel you deserve? Are you able to trust him again? Also, do you know what it is that your boyfriend is saying to his parents that make them “hate” you? My concern is that he’s talking down on you to his parents.

Sometimes being in love clogs our thinking. Do you think thats whats happening here? What is your head telling you to do? Is your heart able to out weigh your head?

October 20, 2016 at 8:31 pm #118584

Anonymous
Guest

Dear D:

As to your question: Am I the abuser- as specifically as you can, will you list the behaviors on your part you suspect may be abusive (not the whole situations but only your behaviors)?

anita

October 21, 2016 at 5:35 am #118601

D
Participant

I remember when we met he told me his ex was his best friend. I told him I understood his situation and it wouldn’t bother me as I was very much still friendly with my ex and infsct was happy to be honest and say I cared for him. Not in an “in love” way obviously. Almost immediately he began to show jealousy issues and I pulled away from all contact so as to help his insecurities. I recall taking pictures of my whereabouts to help ease his panic that I was where I claimed. The abuse on my part started when I began to resent what was happening with me when all he talked about was his ex. Back to the psychological projection theory. Im a really sensitive person and would ask him if he was messaging her all the time? And then thinking I was doing the same and getting upset. There were many upsets over this kind of thing and I would get annoyed and whine at him for far longer than any normal adult should. Then he promised it would stop…(which it didn’t)..but I knew it hadn’t so would question him (this is where it becomes me that’s nagging and causing fights and making him miserable in his mind). We had so many upsets I have no idea why we both stayed. I don’t know if this is only in my head but I got on great with all of his family, his mother, 2 sons and brother. But around the same time he voluntarily stopped contact with his ex, he began to call his family up and cry to them about our fights. So whilst he lived with me and I had no one to confide in at the risk of making my family resent him…..he would be bawling his heart out with anything he could to make them pity him. There is no black and white…..I’m aware he’s been hurt and damaged way before I came along. But I’m now in a place where he accepts he has done wrong but instead of finding a solution he just keeps doing the same. Every day they call each other and every day he speaks to them in private. His son refused to see me back in January and he kept this from me until I finally forced the truth out of him in September! I don’t understand why he would want to create all of this mess. He says he lacks the ability to stop and consider these things until it’s too late. He promised one evening recently that it would stop but the very next morning did the exact same thing, (took a quick call saying he’d call back then waited until I was gone to do so). It shouldn’t be that big of a deal I suppose but it’s so hurtful. I’m not included in anything they do together and if I complain I’m trouble making and crazy and do I expect him to stop seeing his son or his brother :/. It’s really silly that I tolerate it but I do nonetheless.
Anita my abuser part is that I cause these arguments by complaining. He feels that our whole relationship has been difficult because of my trouble making and moods. I don’t agree with it but then maybe I’m fooling myself. Maybe I’m the narcissist so much so that I can’t see it.
What was interesting though was I was offered a fantastic job/pay with my ex recently and my partner didn’t sleep for days over it. But I’ve been told I’m crazy and abusive for being hurt at him diluting our relationship with his ex for years.

I guess I posted this partly because I’m confused and aware that I can be very sensitive as well as single minded and demanding of the truth when I smell a rat. But also because if You all think I’ve been ridiculous for feeling hurt over this stuff then I’d welcome your opinions. Harsh or not. Suiting me or not :).

October 21, 2016 at 6:05 am #118602

D
Participant

Ashley every one of your points is so valid. I know I will struggle to ever feel safe and trust this man. I don’t feel I deserve such lack of concern. And in my head I know these people don’t dislike me for nothing. I believe he tells them how sad he is but omits the part where his sadness is because he’s walked out on us again to avoid being honest or decent. One of his sons is not so involved and came to visit recently. We had a lovely time together. It saddens me as this could be what it’s like with all of our family if we could just stop the hurt and lies. I really can’t blame them as I have called (and he takes my calls in front of them ha) so they’ve heard me upset and wholly frustrated at my partner. I don’t help myself and I most definitely can be a nag! Id hate to have to listen to me on a rant.

October 21, 2016 at 7:23 am #118609
Peter
Participant
Relationship is a crucible where we discover who we are. – We are wounded in relationship and we heal through relationship…

We are hurt by those closest to us because they are closest to us. I cannot comment of the hurt you have experienced from your partner and it is no my intention to discount that experience of hurt.

When I read your post, between the lines, I heard a longing for authentic relationship with another and so it is my intention that the following quotes might help you use this experience as a doorway to becoming.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” ― C.G. Jung

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung

“The foundation of adult trust is not “You will never hurt me.” It is “I trust myself with whatever you do.” ― David Richo

“When we feel unsafe with someone and still stay with him, we damage our ability to discern trustworthiness in those we will meet in the future.”
― David Richo

You may find the following article helpful

http://www.elizabethstrazar.com/site/Suggested_Reading_&_Articles_files/StagesofRelationship.pdf

“The perfect partner is often the one who triggers off our core emotional wounds so that we can revisit and mend our past injuries. The reopening of our old hurts allows us to name, understand, and tend to original, yet often faulty and self-defeating, beliefs about interpersonal attachment and identity. It is inevitable that our unmet needs from childhood, which influence both our style of intimacy and our self-image/self-worth, will be played out in the crucible of our current intimate connections.”

Understanding the stages of a relationship helps us to map the territory and gain more insight into how to utilize intimate connections as a pathway toward personal healing. In essence, how to choose the healing salve more often than not – Elizabeth Strazar

Very much recommend David Richo book, How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

“As long as you hold onto wanting something from the outside, you will be dissatisfied because there is a part of you that you are still not totally owning. . . . How can you be complete and fulfilled if you believe that you cannot own this part [of yourself ] until somebody else does something? . . . If it is conditional, it is not totally yours. —A. H. ALMAAS” David Richo

“Most people think of love as a feeling but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.” David Richo

“The more invested I am in my own ideas about reality, the more those experiences will feel like victimizations rather than the ups and downs of relating. Actually, I believe that the less I conceptualize things that way, the more likely it is that people will want to stay by me, because they will not feel burdened, consciously or unconsciously, by my projections, judgments, entitlements, or unrealistic expectations.” David Richo

“We can actually reconstruct our past by examining what we think, say, feel, expect, believe, and do in an intimate relationship now.” David Richo
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Peter.
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Peter.
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Peter.
- This reply was modified 8 years ago by Peter.
October 21, 2016 at 8:04 am #118615

Anonymous
Guest

Dear D:

You asked if you are the abuser in the relationship. In your note to me above, you wrote: “my abuser part is that I cause these arguments by complaining.” No, you didn’t cause those arguments. It takes TWO people to argue. You are not responsible for his participation in any argument. So as to your question (title of this thread): no, you are not the abuser.

Still, in the same note to me, you wrote: “He feels that our whole relationship has been difficult because of my trouble making and moods. I don’t agree with it but then maybe I’m fooling myself.”- he is blaming you and does not take responsibility for his participation in the troubles. If he has been blaming you repeatedly, not taking responsibility for his participation, and then, he gathers his family as a unit against you, then he is the abuser.

You may very well be a nag, a whining nag, but as I read it, no, you are not the abuser.

It is my understanding that in this relationship there is YOU standing alone on one side, and there is him, his sons, the rest of his family members and his ex girlfriend on the other side of a war zone of sorts. You are outnumbered.

If I was you, I would exit what I perceive to be a war zone. You are doubting yourself because too many fingers are pointed at you as the guilty one. What do you think?

anita

October 21, 2016 at 8:45 am #118617

D
Participant

Peter thank you so very much for taking the time to write this reply.
“When I read your post, between the lines, I heard a longing for authentic relationship with another and so it is my intention that the following quotes might help you use this experience as a doorway to becoming” this is very true. I will read the books you suggest might help. Thank you again.

Anita thank you so much also for again taking the time to reply. It does feel as if I’m on my own and up against all of them. I can’t understand why on earth they would be so interested. Or why I ended up getting so involved with defending myself part and not seeing it for what it is. Downright unacceptable behaviour from all of us

October 22, 2016 at 9:16 am #118698

Kath
Participant

Dear D.,

Wow. This is a mess.
I sure know that feeling “Am I crazy?” “Am I doing this?”… I’ve been through something similar (on a much more subtle level though) the last years. And what I have learned is this: You need to trust your own feelings. EVEN if they are not objectivly right or even if he sees things differently. Your feelings are your only source, your only measurement for whether something is good or right for YOU!

It could be that you were maybe too whiny in the beginning and he was too afraid of losing you to clearly communicate what the relationship to his ex means to him. That is maybe where the trust issue started. But on the other hand you cannot go on to destroy yourself, deconstruct yourself, especially when you keep on feeling that there is something off, when he keeps lying to you and when he doesn’t work on the relationship with you and help you get along with his family (instead of actually turning them against you and scapegoating you).

I’m going out on a far limb here, but could it be that he is a covert narcissist? He needs constant approval, he pretends to be the victim and scapegoats you in front of his family, he tries to keep you under control by telling you you are crazy… (which is gaslighting, by the way).

D, even if he where right with any of this: Even if you were (and I honestly doubt that) a crazy, overjealous bitch – wouldn’t he be the totally wrong person for you then? Wouldn’t you need (and deserve) someone who gives you more peace and trust, who doesn’t trigger this part of you that much, who doesn’t call you crazy (which is gaslighting btw), but tries to understand where your feelings come from and helps you work through them? (And wouldn’t you be the wrong person for him, who seems to need a lot of approval from his ex and family)
He is not creating trust or a partnership where you feel valued, he is isolating you from his family and gives you the feeling that your feelings are not valid. That sucks! Your self esteem is being eroded here like!
I could not find a single abusive thing you did in what you wrote. And if you have whined to long about stuff it is because you didn’t feel it was resolved, because your trust is hurt and because for some reason he doesn’t make you feel safe.
–> A friend of mine is really a whiny bitch ( i still love her), and she is constantly nagging her bf – but he has also kept things from her, has lied to her occasionally and doesn’t really see her feelings. He is not a really bad guy, but the thing is: she wasn’t this way with others, and even though it’s not exactly his fault or intention HE MAKES her a whiny bitch and makes her not like herself – although she is a lovable girl who was totally relaxed in other relationships – and she tries to be more understanding and is constantly putting her own feelings and needs down to keep it going, instead of just saying: You don’t meet my standards of honesty and I don’t feel safe, i’m sorry.)

So you need to validate your own feelings: Find out what really feels true – for YOU! And find out what you can and want to live with, and draw healthy boundaries! A safe, honest relationship shouldn’t feel like this, and in your heart you know its true – so what is keeping you with a person who doesn’t value you or make you feel good about yourself?
(And please, do never ever believe someone who says you are crazy, because a true friend would never do that and would – if you WERE going crazy, try to let you know in a loving and constructive way and would try to understand how you feel.)

Take only what you find to be true here, I can only make wild guesses.
I wish you the very best, take care!!!
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