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Alex.
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August 12, 2013 at 1:22 pm #40289
SecretParticipantIm starting to evaluate where my life is headed. I am surrounded by what feels like, friends who are moving on with their life. Some are getting married, having children, starting new relationships, buying houses, getting promotions, and I feel like i’m in the same place. This will be my last semester before I hope to enter a graduate program in my field. That even brings me anxiety about the possibility of not being accepted. I lost focus one semester and had a decrease in my grades due to some toxic friendships I had to end.
Where am I headed? I cant even begin to plan because I have no idea. What if the plans I have for myself don’t see through? I guess i’m feeling a little confused.August 12, 2013 at 2:35 pm #40296
Buddhist WifeParticipantHi Secret,
I think not having fixed plans for yourself can be positive in some ways. Getting really strongly attached to a certain idea can really bring you down if it doesn’t come to pass.
I think comparing yourself to others is only helpful to a certain degree. It can be good to keep a check to see if we are achieving what we want for ourselves. But if you start thinking Person A has X and Y and I don’t, you can get stuck down a path of following other people’s goals instead of your own.
Maybe you need to think about what it is you want for yourself before you try making a plan.
August 12, 2013 at 2:51 pm #40297
MattParticipantSecret,
The uncertainty you’re feeling is very normal. The unknown is in front of us, and the ability to move in the planned direction is a little out of our control. This is very disorienting! A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Comparison can be a slippery slope. Sure, your friends are getting married and have houses and so on. This can produce envy and fear! However, if you spend time being happy for them, it can settle the fear and dispel the envy. As we wish them well, we wish ourselves well.
So, what do you want? Where are you at? When we have uncomfortable feelings, sometimes we feel the future holds the key to settling them. This is not the case, because there is always another house to buy, another program to enter, a boss to please, kids to have, etc etc. Peace arises as we recognize the horizon is great for dreaming, but all of the power, all of the tranquility and compassion is with us during each step. Said differently, goals are great carrots to keep us moving, but happiness is something internal, available no matter which goals we meet and which ones we don’t.
Perhaps it would be helpful to write out what you would like to see yourself become. Not in terms of careers and salaries, but in terms of inner qualities. Then you can start to grow them, whatever they might be. And, don’t forget to take a little time to play. Sometimes when our goals loom overhead, we forget that we’re all children playing on the earth for a few handful of years and smiles are magic. Here’s a Zen joke:
Three students are sitting on a river bank, talking about their masters.
The first one says “My master is so developed, he can go weeks without eating any food.”
The second one says “My master is so developed, he can go weeks without sleeping.”
The third one says “My master is so developed, he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”
🙂With warmth,
MattAugust 12, 2013 at 7:59 pm #40323
AnonymousInactiveSecret,
I find myself feeling very insecure and unsure about my own personal decisions whenever I begin to compare myself to other people. I think that that is natural. Everyone does this. It is a very unskillful way of thinking but everyone at some time have fallen into this trap. Most people in your situation will be looking at other people getting houses, getting promotions, getting married, getting cars and they will think exactly like you and that their life is not going anywhere unless they can prove to themselves and others that they can get these things too. But do you see where this is headed? What is this? Does this look like happiness to you? This causes you to get stuck pursuing an ideal. The ideal of being “someone who is going somewhere.” But what does that mean? It’s all made up! None of that stuff goes with us when we die. None of that stuff is going to matter when we’re old and sick. It’s all about where you put your focus. If you compare yourself to others you’re bound to be miserable. You can put your focus elsewhere. You can focus on the feeling of loving-kindness that you have for yourself and for others. You can focus on the greenness of the trees, or the feeling of being alive in your hands. You can focus on how to cultivate positive qualities, on how to learn forgiveness, on how to make connections with the world around you. You can focus on what truly makes you happy, not what you THINK is going to make you happy. It’s where you put your focus. You can choose to focus on what others have and what you don’t or what you have and others don’t. But none of that is going to make you happy. Be grateful for what you have and be happy for those people who derive happiness from what they have. That’s it. Don’t take the extra step and slip into comparison. Perhaps developing a vipassana meditation routine will help you be able to recognize when you are making those comparisons and you can instead bring your attention back to your breath or something in the present to pull your attention away from thoughts of comparison so as not to further energize them and cause you to suffer further. There is a path toward suffering and a path away from suffering. Attachment to material gain and societal gain is not the path toward liberation. Many people believe that it is – they are told so by the rest of society who is playing the same game! But they clearly have not suffered enough yet to convince them to change their ways and that is too bad. But you don’t have to wait to suffer from vain pursuits. You can walk the path toward liberation this very moment and stop playing the game. It just so might happen that on your pursuit toward happiness you do acquire a house or get married or have kids but it won’t be because you pursued them out of fear it will be because you pursued them out of love and a pursuit for your own happiness and isn’t that better?You have everything you need already.
-J.D.
September 15, 2013 at 7:38 am #42258
AlexParticipantI’ll just join this discussion to see if sharing my story will help…
I’m 25 and I left home when I was 18 to graduate at foreign university. Since the start, I questioned myself if the degree I was undertaking was really my fit to what I liked, however I just went with the flow and graduated ahead of time. I moved out to another country to speak a new language and get a Masters degree, from which I’m not quite sure if I will graduate this year due to my tmediocre thesis project. On tops of that, I’m pretty sure I’m not the ambitious business man I prepared to be. I guess I took the “safe way” , questioning all the time about my fit within but never took the courage to change my route. I’m taking a internship at a pretty good company but it seems I can’t do anything right, I’m basically stuck, I began doubting about everything I’ve done and I feel I’m not at anything.
What really bothers me, is that I’m educated, I had every opportunity in this world, and it semms I forgot it…my parents have been a great help and now I fear to disappoint them if I tell them I’ve done something to pleased while they were thinking I prepared myself academically towards something I ‘liked”. Additionally, I really don’t know what I want, who I am, or where I’m going? And all this lead to tears everytime I speak with my family and they ask how am I doing, I try to say good but they know I’m not, and I feel they are already disapointed…
I don’t know, my case is not suicidal or depressive, I just lost motivation and direction… I’ve asked mysel where do I see, want to be in 1, 3, 5 or 10 years from now and I don’t know… I really have no clue… I really feel greatly inmature at a decisive point in my life. There it is, I’m pretty sure someone has been wondering the same thing, I’m just looking to see if someone has something to say besides: get it together! I know I should, I’ve tried, I don’t know how anymore…
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