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am i paranoid or not seeing whats under my nose

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • February 14, 2014 at 6:43 am #50995
    amy
    Participant

    My boyfriend and i have been together about 2 years first 6 months was great he was he seemed to place alot of importance on being open with each other and honesty and this felt good for me as i have trust issues and i felt that i would be able to trust him in time but then he was made redundant and he changed he said it was the stress of being out of work and although i understood that he also became very secretive with his phone never putting it down even taking it to the toilet with him changing his lock number (at first he would often hand me his phone to use answer it leave it in the room i knew the lock ) and we started to argue about it he promises me he has nothing to hide and insists i must trust him and says it is all my insecurity probloms then at one point he had 2 phones and after a while i became worried and questioned himwe row he gets angry insists again gets rid of one phone unlocks the other one but evrey few weeks he will relock his phone and tell me some reason like some bloke at work was looking through it or about not wanting my kids on it although my kids would never touch it unless they had asked him and its very rarely out of his pocket this has become a pattern and recently he has started using 2 sims and although i know both numbers he went through a phase of changing the sim while at work and back when he gets home he said he had no credit on other sim and needed to be able to ring boss now he has 2 phones again and one is stashed away so i am worried again i just dont know whwt to think i dont want to let my insecurity probloms destroy this relationship but when i step back and look at the raw facts it doesnt add up i feel he is secretive and quite alot of the time very distant and he also earns good money but is allways squint within a week of being paid ???

    February 14, 2014 at 9:27 am #50999
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Amy,
    Let me recap what I read, out of the 2 years you have been with your boyfriend, the past 1.5 years have been not good because of distrust?

    For every relationship, I ask myself, what do I want from this relationship? Am I getting it? What can I do in order to get it? Is that feasible?

    With your relationship, it seems that you want to trust your boyfriend and you do not. You are wondering if you are being insecure yet you have detailed specific behaviors which point to him hiding something.

    What will it take for you to trust his behavior? Him letting you go through his phone messages, contacts, and call history? Him accounting for his spending?

    And if he does that, does that wipe out the past 1.5 years of not-so-great time with him?

    And if he refuses to do that then what?

    I invite you to see whether you want to take charge of your life and your relationship.

    I am curious since you mentioned being insecure, does your insecurity spill over into other areas of your life? Does it affect your relationships with others? your kids? your friends? family?

    Metta,
    Mark

    February 14, 2014 at 10:32 am #51004
    amy
    Participant

    Hi mark, yes i do want to trust him and at first i really thought i would my insecurities only seem to come out in a relationship although this paticular issue has only been with him and one other who are both very into the phone/internet and in the times when his phone is unlocked he seems more available and i dont worry and i dont think omg whats he doing, if he gets worried about what im doing he can have access to my phone and has password to laptop . i cant seem to get the balance with taking charge of my life in a relationship as i have now said if he choses to behave in this way i dont want to be with him and that seems to make me controlling but isnt honesty and openness the way to gain trust even if we make mistakes and i think what evers happened we could sort and change it if we both wanted that
    Amy

    February 14, 2014 at 10:46 am #51006
    Mark
    Participant

    Amy,
    It sounds that you are very clear on what you want in the relationship and the criteria in order to have trust.

    You have defined what is acceptable and what is not. You know yourself and your truth.

    I invite you to trust yourself and follow your truth. That can be scary. And you can doubt and second guess yourself. But it seems to me you are very definitive on what you want and what you know.

    Mark

    February 14, 2014 at 7:33 pm #51025
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    I’m gonna chime in here, too. :0) I agree with Mark.

    It sounds like you’ve been in a rip-roaring frenzy over these phones – made worse by his secrecy. I know from personal experience in relationships how easily things can be manipulated, and you how easy it is to make yourself the bad guy. It’s one thing to constantly want to know what your partner is doing, being possessive and obsessive – not allowing them to have friends or their own life due to trust issues. It’s another thing to be curious about some weird and extremely private behavior with a couple of phones and SIM cards.

    Without him being half as upset as you, you would happily allow him access to your phone to ease his worried mind. Even if you were frustrated by the silliness of his request, you would respect and understand his curiosity. Does he respect your curiosity about his oddly private behavior with locking his phone, hiding SIM cards, and the like? Or, does he make you feel worse by calling you controlling?

    We are talking about mutual respect and boundaries, and if what you define as “respect” within the relationship is different from his… How’s that ever gonna work? You have trust issues, so he uses that as an excuse to keep hiding because he doesn’t want to be controlled? So, he keeps hiding, making you more “paranoid”, and round and round it goes for over a year now. That’s a vicious cycle that needs to be broken, Hon.

    Don’t beat yourself up for being curious, at the same time don’t beat him up for not wanting to share….it’s going to frustrate you both more. He knows it’s a real problem for you, and he either respects that and changes or he doesn’t and you have to change. There’s no right or wrong here… You just need to be honest with yourself about what you want, and what you define as being respected within the relationship. If he doesn’t give that to you, than it’s time to think about making some changes.

    Based on what you’ve said, that’s my advice. I hope it helps. Good luck!

    February 14, 2014 at 7:38 pm #51026
    Lilbuddha
    Participant

    Also, when I say…making some changes… I mean, either changing your worry about the phone (which doesn’t look like that’ll happen after more than a year of this) or changing relationship status to single and seeking new opportunities. Trust yourself.

    February 15, 2014 at 5:08 am #51051
    amy
    Participant

    Thanks for your replys i guess i need to learn to beleive in myself and that its ok for me to have boundaries within a relationship i am having to take a good look at myself and in some ways feel quite empowered by saying i dont want that in my life instead of what your doing is wrong i have been so tangled up in a confusing mixture of feelings for him and blaming myself for all our problems that i lost any sense of who i am its good to share i feel much better and stronger

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