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Am I making a mistake here?

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #62978
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Chris,

    I’m going to have to start with a disclaimer of sorts. I’ve never been married, and have pretty much sabotaged all relationships that I’ve had thus far (which I haven’t had for a while). I also believe that there is “his side, her side, and the truth”; it feels kind of weird to discuss someone who’s only been described by another person.

    I’m just wondering what she might be afraid of? Or rather, what is she afraid of in relationships. First of all, our relationship with our parents does have an affect on our adult romantic relationships in one way or another. So considering that she has disowned her father, what might be her relationship towards men and masculinity in general? Being controlling is a sign of some kind of fear, as are temper tantrums.

    In a way, this isn’t really that helpful, because it should be her here talking about these things. You can’t force her to change or to seek help for any possible issues. What you can do, is to not take her issues so personally, if indeed that is the case. It’s about her, not about you. I know it feels personal when you get rejected, but I don’t think that people would wilfully turn away from intimacy without having some personal problems regarding intimacy. If she would have a healthy attitude towards intimacy and you really were the “problem” so that she didn’t want to be intimate with you, she would tell you and you would talk about it openly. But what you have now is vague promises of things changing without things actually showing any sign of changing.

    Unfortunately, telling someone that perhaps they ought to seek some help for their possible issues is very triggering to that person. Then again, the destruction of a relationship with a clear message that things aren’t OK can also motivate someone to seek help. That’s what happened to me. Doesn’t mean that it would happen to everyone.

    Because of my own past, I really do feel for her. I mean, I’m sorry for you as well for having to go through this, but if this is how things are, it might be easier for you to find happiness again in another relationship, but she might be stuck with her own demons. If indeed things are the way they seem from what you are saying. I’m holding onto that disclaimer of mine 🙂

    I’m sure others who are wiser and more experienced with healthy relationships and marriage can give you a better advice for what you actually should do.

    #62982
    Matt
    Participant

    Chris,

    The short answer to your question “… setting myself up for the same pain all over again?” is no. So huzzah! The bad news, you’ll get some brand new pain! Doh!

    From here, it sounds like there are a couple issues. Staying off her side (such as her issues with fear, shame, and difficulty owning her emotions) and staying on your side is extremely important. Meaning, keep looking at what you want, what you have, what you wish to grow, the way you respond and interpret her, and so forth. Those things are yours, they are always on your side. Have to do only with you, and what you’re doing with your time and efforts.

    It seems like you’re missing her “lighting up” as she looks at you. Like, she doesn’t seem happy, doesn’t join you where you are, reach across the table and smile that wonderful smile at you. She offers it elsewhere, but when looking at you, the smile goes, and it feels like “oh, this old bastard again.” This is garbage, not true. Consider, if she didn’t care, if the love was absent, she’d do nothing… meet you with apathy, not anger. Its like, whatever is going on for her causes her to wrap her love up in very offensive package, difficult to digest with peace. Not “I’m feeling scared”, which is easy. Rather “you make me scared”, which is not easy. When “I’m feeling scared” is said, perhaps we have a natural inclination to embrace, comfort our loved one, bring their eyes back to beauty, feeling safe. When “you make me scared” is said, perhaps we have a natural inclination to repel, disengage from our loved one, tell them no, that’s not it, that’s false. All normal, usual.

    I encourage you to try a different view. Consider that her past, daddy issues, other abuses, have left her romantic heart trapped in a stone tower, an isolated palace, and she needs your help. “You make me…” like a dragon, “protecting” her. Her emotional distance, the lacking in being “lit up”, like her moat. These are defenses, constructed in olden times, and you didn’t cause them, but there they are. Ya know?

    The question is really “is your heart up to the quest?”. Can you smile and hug her as she tells you falsely that you are the source of her pain? Can you patiently, gently help her see that she’s safe and loved? That for her to give up some control won’t endanger her? That the whole of her, as is, is accepted? That the bridge between you two is something you wish to build together, hand in hand, heart to heart, exploring?

    Sometimes we meet a person, and they are meant only as a teacher… energies just too dissonant to stay together, but we learn a ton about who we are and how we react. Sometimes we meet a person, and it is perfect, such as her stuff triggering your stuff, but both hearts keeping hand in hand, trying to see through the storms. The greatest love affairs take a lot of work, lots of deep passions inspired for playing (intimacy, romance, sex) and cleaning (therapy, head scratching, growing up). The question my teacher asked of me, when I asked him about a similar issue, was “are you both coming to the table?” Her fears, your longing, the family stuff, the relationship stuff… are you two able to put it all out there and scratch your heads, work it through, try to untangle the mess together? Said differently, the biggest issue with couples is often the fear that the other isn’t interested, the blerting and controlling and withholding and blaming and so on indicators of a lack of love. Not so. Those are a lack of feeling of safety, trust. With each other and with ourselves. As we keep coming to the plate, trying again, reaching for our prince or princess, the trust builds. If there’s a hand at the other end grabbing back, that is. Even if it squeezes too tight, its grabbin, ya know?

    That being said, she has no obligation to change. This isn’t really “her issue”, though she’s the loud one. 🙂 Consider how you are unable to rest, feeling/thinking/seeing/acting “yes, dearest love, to be scared around family is normal, what a turbulence must be inside you for such actions, such fire. Whatever it is, my love, come home to my arms, there’s no need for the fear, no need for it to be anything but Christmas. Will you rejoice with me? Maybe get out of here for a few minutes, go for a walk, see the stars with me and remember?” Instead “ick, tantrum, how could she spoil it for us like this?” Again, all normal, usual, and part of growing strong of heart. Just don’t get stuck in some delusion that its “her issue”. 🙂 She has stuff, you have stuff.

    From your post, she sounds like she’s worth the quest… the patient journey to see the relationship blossom safely for both of you. But that’s always, and only, between you and your heart. You deserve that “lit up” being offered to you, but its not something that is earned. Its inspired, as she sees that you’re her prince, charming. You might have to make the first move, or the first fifty moves, depending on how many “ugh, what’s wrong with you, be different”s there have been, vs how many “sounds like pain, what’s going on over there, let’s find home”s. Again, not that you built that castle, but you’re in love with someone inside it. See? 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #62984
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    What Matt said!

    What’s funny is that that is exactly how I felt in the past: like I was a princess trapped in a castle with barbed wire and dragons and witches and moats to keep the visitors away. I so wished that someone would’ve seen what was really happening when I was being difficult. I really don’t mean to make excuses, and I do think that everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, but when you’re constantly ready for battle, it would be so helpful to hear that you are truly loved, regardless of all the defences.

    #62997
    Chris
    Participant

    What you both said!

    Ruminant, I genuinely appreciate your knowledge of the situation and you are right. Most of these walls that have been put up stem from childhood memories of conflict, abandonment, and sometimes worse. I have gotten to the point where my energies have been tapped, I needed some affirmation and affection and it was not available. I have lost patience and taken away that security that I would be with her forever and that is when the dragon came out. So yes, there are two truth’s here and my lack of strength, patience, and most importantly understanding are very much adding to this.

    Matt, what a great illustration. That is exactly how it feels. I know there is a beatiful, vulnerable person in there that is very guarded and the closer I’ve gotten over the years, the bigger the moats and defenses have seemed. Also, what you have said. It is quite the quest. It has been tiring and I guess if she will come to the table with me then the answer will be clear.

    Thank you both

    #63005
    Matt
    Participant

    Chris,

    That’s great! Consider that instead of pressing into the castle, which might feel invasive, “wider moat, stronger dragon”, just sit outside, looking, and sing of beauty. The castle, the moats, the dragon, the princess, all beautiful, all loved, her whole kingdom, awesome. How safe that moat has kept her heart, how perfectly it keeps her tenderness from scratching! How that dragon has kept others, perhaps less noble knights, from stealing her away.

    When your song is heard throughout the castle, perhaps she’ll feel safe enough to come out of it, and/or invite you in, sneak you in past the sleeping dragon, giggling. The quest, patience, seeing, singing. Not swimming and climbing and vanquishing. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #63006
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’m intrigued by and hopeful about your situation Chris, and amazed by the depth of advice from Matt and The Ruminant. Wow.

    Big blue

    #63040
    Ryan Viola
    Participant

    Giving her second chance might help you and she loves you a lot but only because of some issues her behavior becomes weird.

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)

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