Hi ,

to those who took their time to read and reply to this topic I would like to say I am extremely grateful. I am here today to share my story all I want is honest opinions whether it be against my beliefs or for. I just need to know I am not going crazy.

I was in recently going through a really rough time. Due to the virus I was not doing well financially. Me and my ex stayed together. I tried my level best to do right by her and support her financially during this tough period since I wanted so much to spend time with her but at the same time my bank account was slowly draining out.

in the back of my mind I wanted to transition from one job to another for quite some time and after an argument regarding this issue cause I was struggling between choosing stability and taking a risk she had enough of my complaints and told me to do something about the situation.

The next day I quit my old job decided to venture into something new something completely unknown. But unknowingly the relationship was slowly falling apart. With my job knowing absolutely nothing about a brand new industry I was forced to learn on my own . Work on my own and explore on my own. I had all the tools and drive to create our future together. We discussed so much about our vision of how our life would look like and I knew I had to do something to reach that vision.

As I was working hard during the toughest time economically and financially my ex was slowly distancing herself , she felt that I did not give her enough attention , I was not present so to speak I was there but my mind was so much into work and the future and worrying about survival and she didn’t handle it well . She started to withdraw emotionally , made me feel bad for doing something that she pushed me to do in the first place. I did not understand why and couldn’t really believe my partner was like this .

After a huge argument she decided to breakup and in turn she triggered my deeply rooted abandonment issues and anxiety as well as depression . I lashed out at her , all the buried emotions of being not good enough not being ever enough for her came out in the form of harsh words that i can never possibly take back . I attempted suicide and was sent to the hospital cause I couldn’t forgive myself for the thing said and not being the man she wanted me to be.

after coming out of the hospital I met up with her and it was fine for one day until she lied to me about seeing another guy and telling me she did not want a relationship with me anymore. What happened for the next two weeks was brutal , I had constant anxiety and depression I attempted suicide multiple times and every time I contact her she would tell me she’s going to sleep with other guys and have her fun. She didn’t want relationship and i should respect that .

I think I had certain expectations with the person hoping she was someone who knows the struggles of someone who’s self made, trying to figure his life out being mature and knowing that money does not fall from trees. But yet there I was facing the reality that she was not who I thought she was.

One night I decided to deal with pain in my usual toxic ways through alcohol and painkillers, I called her up hoping she would care but I got my usual cold response . We argued and she demanded her things back from my place which I did not answer. At the time she held the key to my house so she entered without my permission and brought along her ex boyfriend ( during the relationship she was not over him , but I had so little self love to allow things as such to happen )

that was my last straw the final push I took a knife and slit my wrist needless to say I did not care if I would have survived that night. To make sure the pain is we gone I drank bleach , took pain killers and fainted on the side of the road. I woke up feeling horrible body aching and the thought that I did not die disappointed me.

after awhile I had growing hatred towards the person not just hatred but I care for the person and she’s capable of so much more mentally than seeing what’s infront of her. But soon i started to learn that lessons are not mine to teach as every lecture I gave her just made her hurt she never understood the things I was trying to help her understand.

we are no longer in contact and I am focusing on healing, every day I wake up and deal with my anxiety attacks , I exercise I work and most importantly I work on releasing this attachment . Loving myself and taking care of my inner self .

Parts of me couldn’t let go of what happened I am all about just and fair and I felt wronged .

please let me know the truth help me understand from a third persons point of view so I can move on build a bright future for myself and be happy once again .

thank you ,

kenny