Dears, I am new to this forum. I hope to find support and wisdom here.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for over three years. My ex bf would tell me from time to time that he was not sure about me, that he needs to think more. I thought it was normal to him time to think. He often changed his opinion about me and about his commitment to be with me. He told me he could not explain why, but he often said he loved me and he even cried telling this to me. In this relationship, I lost myself. I yelled at him, I cried a lot and had regular ups and downs. I clearly had some serious self esteem issues and other psychological issues. This i realised later. It took me two years to restore myself. I felt I am now complete and healthy person, untill yesterday.

Four months ago I met a guy who I really like. He lives in a different city but we talk almost every day. He is attentive and caring. Yesterday, during our conversation, I yelled at him. He was asking me why I am so balanced all those four months and whether I am not tired or bored to be like that. He also said he was wondeting if this will last long. It seemed like he started questioning me or doubting me, or texting whether I was good enough. Maybe it triggered something from my earlier relationship, maybe I was just irritated and sad yesterday (because my father left after staying with me for a few days). His reaction to my yelling was understandable. He did not want to talk to me. He even said that I should decide whether we should call off this relationship. He also said that his ex gf yelled at him too and that he is unfortunate to end up with women/ situations like this. It hurt. I feel guilty. I also feel I was unfair to him. I am afraid my dysfunctional and traumatized side came out and I am afraid it may prevail in my relationship with men.

When this situations happen, somehow I can’t stop getting agitated, it feels. And Yesterday, I did not tell any personal insults. In my yelling, I was just explaining that I am not fake, balance that I have I earned, and that he does not trust me and wants to test whether it is real. Obviously, I am far from being balanced, I realized Yesterday, as I was yelling again.

I don’ know what will happen with this relationship. I am just afraid I will keep ruining my relationships acting like this.

I thank you for reading this post. And I hope to hear from you.