Read Anna Puchalski’s article on this site, type co dependency into search and it comes up, 3rd article down or so.

It is true that this may be what life would be like with her; however, when I was younger… I had lived through a terrible childhood & a 5 year relationship w/someone that (in retrospect) was likely bi-polar I, had a gambling problem, etc. Then I met my husband. I was only in my early twenties. We were completely different. He was from a very stable family & had not been in a serious relationship. We married. Within a year, I found myself wanting to argue (because that was what I had learned to communicate). I also had terrible mood swings for no apparent reason – I thought I was bi-polar. Fortunately, my mood swings were due to a thyroid problem that was easily treated with medication. Life changing. My life stablized, but I still found myself wanting to argue as I considered this communication. After a couple years, I found I no longer had the need to “argue” to communicate. My husband was so patient, kind, and gentle. He was always there no matter how much I “argued”. He taught me to be patient and that it was not necessary to argue as a lifestyle. I am so thankful. This was my experience. My experience was compounded with a physical illness that was treatable and I wanted to have the best quality life possible. I had been in therapy in order to not re-create the life I grew up with. I wanted a good life. I think it depends on what she wants and if she is willing to grow…and, of course, if you think that there is hope for change. Good luck.

Hello BDFR,

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. It must be really rough on you to be in this situation. I think you need to listen to your body now. Your own persona is already telling you to give in for your on health and happiness that is a strong sign that you won’t be able to cope with all this much longer. I know that helping does feel good and even better when you help a loved one but when your own self is aware of what’s happening and it’s warning you against it I think the time to think things through has come.

It is absolutely not healthy for you physically nor emotionally to be off and on like this on a relationship. It doesn’t just stress you emotionally but it puts a heavy load on your shoulders and sends you on an emotional train merely because breakups aren’t easy.

We all feel compelled to help buddy. But I think you need to realize that by being there for help might not be the help she needs. If you are ALWAYS there for her she might never get enough courage to change the way she lives life or get help. If you are always there for her she will feel on her comfort zone where she doesn’t feel the need to change because she will always take you for granted. She will always know you are there and that she doesn’t need to change. Is that really the kind of help you want to give her?

I think what you should do is be firm with her now. Sit with her and ask her to understand where you are coming from and respect your wishes in giving yourselves a bit of distance from each other so she can prove you that she can change her ways for herself not you or anyone else. Ask her to respect your wishes and ask her to show you how much she can love herself so you can love her ten times more.

“Am afraid that this is what my life with her would be like” Like Gail said above… This is what your life is already like buddy. There will come a ay where you are so emotionally drained from this relationship as it is now and by then she will no longer have the comfort she wants from you leaving you wrecked in ruins. Is that what you want? be strong man. I know you must love her but sometimes your loved ones need a little push back in the saddle to get them started.

Be her friend. But maintain your boundaries. Try to widen your perspective on the matter alright? Look at this situation from a completely different perspective and also…Pamper yourself man ! You are such a strong person to be going through this I think you need to give yourself a little bit of credit and pamper yourself a little. Be happy with yourself and try to enjoy not having to spend so much emotional stress in a relationship.

I hope this advice helps you !

BDFR,

Sorry Sorry! I didn’t mean for my reply to be of any kind of rudeness towards you or anything ! I really need to work on my tact with people. I just know what you;re going through because I used to be the same way. I was always putting people in front of me and my desires. I was happy making people happy but in the end….I felt so drained emotionally. I was an emotional wreck. Still am sometimes. It’s a hard journey to we all must go through. I’m sorry if I was too blunt of anything but you seem like a great guy on her life and you need to appreciate yourself more for that.

I know you will get through this and even if things don’t work out in the end for her it’s not the end of the journey for you ! I am pretty sure you will find a lady that will return as much love as you give to her. Give yourself sometime to be with yourself ! Reconnect as an individual person and just enjoy life to it’s most simple face right now.

Selfish isn’t necessarily a bad thing, It’s actually quite the good thing as it doesn’t involve others. Give your heart a break and your mind a rest for now and smile at the problems life gives you.

Well said 🙂