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Am I being paranoid and insecure?

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  • March 9, 2020 at 7:46 am #342432
    Bell
    Participant

    I am in a relationship with my bf for about 2 months after breakup from a long term relationship (6 years) about 8 months ago. I was very sure this wasn’t a rebound thing as my relationship with my ex-bf was broken long before the actual breakup. In fact I had a few bad dates in between which doesn’t workout after the brokeup.

    it was all well in the beginning of the relationship. I feel we could talk about things and stuff. And then just recently when I started to talk to him about some negative things happening with my life, he would react by with a blaming tone which I don’t feel good about it. And I would keep quiet so There won’t be further conflicts which I usually like to avoid. It might be a guy thing that he is just not sensitive enough to react with empathy, but I just can’t shake off the feeling that probably he just doesn’t like the side of me being stubborn and all. I had always feel like I was easily taken advantage of in relationships and I just don’t want this to happen again. Am I being too defensive? He often just stop the conversation after I showed that I don’t really want to listen to him blaming me, and would try to change the topic to something pleasant. Is it me feeling insecure or do I have a chause to be worried that he might not like the “real” me? After all it was just 2 Months.

    March 9, 2020 at 1:23 pm #342496
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Bell
    In relationships we will attempt to heal past relationships. Nothing wrong with that however most of the time its unconsciously so it can prove troubling.

    My take on what you wrote is that there is some work for you to do.  You may find the book ‘How to be a adult in relationships’ a helpful guide in identifying what ‘stuff’ belongs to you and what ‘stuff’ doesn’t.

     

    March 9, 2020 at 1:42 pm #342500
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bell:

    I just finished reading our communication back in Oct 2018. Welcome back!

    So it seems like the relationship with your ex ended July 2019, nine months after we last communicated. You are now in a new, two months long relationship.

    “recently when I started to talk to him about some negative things happening with my life, he would react by with a blaming tone which I don’t feel good about… And I would keep quiet so there won’t be further conflicts… Is it me feeling insecure or do I have a cause to be worried that he might not like the ‘real’ me?”-

    – to understand better so that I can suggest an answer to you, I ask:

    1. Can you tell me what were those “negative things happening with my life” that you shared with him?

    2. Have you shared with him about  these and other negative things in your life often and at length,  during these two months?

    3. How did he react: what did he actually say to you that you believe was blaming, or was it only his tone of voice?

    anita

    March 10, 2020 at 10:23 am #342624
    Bell
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    Thank you for your recommendation, I will try to look for the book. What is troubling me is often when I cannot differentiate between my “burden” of the past or just simply actions that I should not tolerate. Looking back, I had often being taken for granted because I tend to give the benefit of doubt to my partner in the past and it just leads to a long but probably unhappy relationship on my part. I like to think myself as understanding most of the time, but what I observe is understanding girls like me are often the one being taken for granted and I just feel so tired of the whole situation and finding someone who could appreciate this.

    bell

    March 10, 2020 at 10:42 am #342628
    Bell
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for going through the post again! part of the reason I am posting here was because of your support in the past. You could see that I have actually dragged on the previous relationship much longer though I had supposedly sorted out that I should have broken off the relationship that time.

    Going back to the questions:

    Negative things are just work related or some small frustrations in life. Petty and not really serious. I am not usually a person who complains or speaks negatively most of the time. The fact that I have chosen to share these with him is because I realised he share a lot of things happening in his daily life with me. It might sound like the thing that most couples do, but my previous relationship is not like that. We did not share about things enough to a point that I did not know what is going on with each other’s life. And the way this relationship being normal actually makes me feel like I need some adjustments. And I started to share more about my life with him, the good and the bad, though I did realised that sometimes I probably overdo a bit on those “bad parts”, not in length but probably my tone of narrating the incident.

    To be fair, the blaming part comes in when I share negative things happening that could partly be my fault. and he would start to point out all the wrongs I did even though there is a whole load of other factors that could cause the situation. I realised that I am not someone who is easily open up to people, and admittedly it was kind of hurtful when I had chosen to open up to him but did not get the expected reactions. Come to think of it, other than feeling sad that he is not on my side when I told him stuff (I admit this being a little childish), most of all I get the feeling that he probably is starting to see the bad side of me and he is not going to like me like I am. Honestly I had not wanted to start a relationship when I met him initially, what changed me was his willingness to share his part of life with me and he did make me feel comfortable being open with him in the first place. I am not sure if he is starting to dislike certain behaviour of me or me overthinking.

    Bell

    March 10, 2020 at 12:11 pm #342648
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Bell:

    You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation. Reads fair to me that you shared with him about what was happening in your daily life. He shared with you, you shared with him.

    “the blaming part comes in when I share negative things happening that could partly be my fault. and he would start to point out all the wrongs I did even though there is a whole load  of other factors that could cause the situation”-

    – if you want to give me an example of a negative situation that you shared with him, and what he said in response, please do.

    Did you notice him pointing to the wrongs that he did in the life situations that he shared with you, or did he point to others as the ones in the wrong?

    anita

     

    March 10, 2020 at 12:26 pm #342650
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Bell

    What is troubling me is often when I cannot differentiate between my “burden” of the past or just simply actions that I should not tolerate.

    So it is I think for most people especially those that are sensitive to other peoples feelings.  The only way out of that is as Socroties said. “Know thy Self”.  The key to discernment is doing the work to know ourselves as we are… and then the task is self acceptance. Knowing your self will help you determine what issues and feelings belong to you and which don’t and with that knowledge the ability to set up healthy boundaries.

     

     

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