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am i asexual?? or is it the past haunting me??

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  • June 27, 2015 at 5:18 am #78898
    Glet
    Participant

    Not long ago I wrote asking for ways to move on from the past after being sexually abused and I want to thank every one who took time to read and respond…your advice was very helpful.
    now I just recently started dating someone…he’s wonderful,I know he deeply cares for me and he is everything that I have always wanted..caring,honest and I know he wants to make me happy…the problem is,whenever we talk about sex,I freak out..we haven’t been intimate yet but when he talks of one day doing it,I feel like he wants to hurt me,like he will abuse me..every negative thought comes to mind and I find myself disliking him for even thinking,of that…am not a virgin…and even after I was abused I had sex once..it felt so wrong…i didn’t feel anything..well actually I liked the foreplay but the sexual act felt so wrong to me…i didn’t understand why people do such in the first place..even as a teenager when growing up and my friends would be fascinated by porn,I never saw the big deal…it seemed like an act for animals and I tend to feel like that each time…i wonder why am so different,why I can’t just enjoy it like everybody else..and I feel like eventually am just going to lose every guy who comes my way cause they won’t understand..i can’t even explain this to myself…is it that am still afraid cause of the abuse??..am I asexual??..why do I freak out at the mention of sex??..i know am not homosexual cause am not attracted to girls…but shouldn’t a normal human want to be intimate with someone that they like??..am so confused and I will appreciate your advice..
    thank you

    June 27, 2015 at 10:47 am #78905
    Matt
    Participant

    Glet,

    It is so very normal and usual for someone who has been abused to feel panicked about sex. There are many similarities between sexual abuse and sex… similar motions, similar body parts involved, similar sensations. These similarities can initiate a lot of distress.

    Have you ever considered finding a therapist to talk to about these panicked feelings? I was sexually abused too, and found great success in talking it out. It was like my abuser entered my house and made a mess of things, and the mess scared me, made feel broken, ashamed, different, isolated. With some tender direction, however, I was able to work it through, sort it out, and heal the emotional bruises and triggers.

    The main thing to know is that it’s OK. You’re ok. Nothing permanent to your uncomfortable emotions, nothing lasting, nothing broken. The distance you feel between your emotional and physical desire is very normal. Have you spoken to your partner about your past? You don’t have to, of course, if you don’t want to, or if the trust isn’t there. But if you do trust him, talking to him about it may help him understand your need to take things slow.

    Consider that the feral portion of sex is perhaps the smallest part, bodies humping, does mean little. However, sex is much, much more than that. It’s about intimacy, connection, trust, and togetherness.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    June 27, 2015 at 12:36 pm #78909
    Glet
    Participant

    Dear Matt,

    thank you so much for taking time to reply…it means so much to me…
    and I have thought of seeing a therapist but I live in Africa and in these parts no body really goes to see a therapist unless they are mentally disturbed and people are so judgmental about these things…i once asked my dad if I could see one and the look on his face said it all..he said those people don’t help and its meant for weak people who can’t solve their problems..i don’t blame him because that’s how this society is..everybody just swallows whatever they are going through…but I will see one soon cause luckily an moving abroad for college…so I will..
    once again thank you..

    July 5, 2015 at 12:17 pm #79323
    El
    Participant

    Oh my, you are not abnormal or unusual what so ever. You have gone through hell. You deserve so much in life, and all you have ever dealt with is pain. I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. I was wondering if you have ever been to therapy or anything? It is completely common for you to feel the way you do. There are many people who get help for this kind of thing in order to have a normal life. You’re going to be okay. I’m sure he understands. You cannot feel as if your reaction is not normal. You are definitely a victim of a lot more than just sexual abuse. Do what is best for you and don’t let anyone ever make you feel as if you are abnormal for feeling this way.

    July 13, 2015 at 2:09 pm #79777
    Glet
    Participant

    Dear El

    Thank you so much for your kind words…and I will go to therapy soon…

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