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Am I able to love?

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  • March 12, 2015 at 5:43 am #73866
    marek
    Participant

    Hello there,

    I am new here and I have read some of other ppl’s posts, and found some very comforting words. So, I would like to speak about my problem;
    I am a very insecure person (started around when I was 10 years old), perfectionst with low self-esteem. In the last two years, since I have started with counselling, I am doing better, and I have become more open with ppl and relaxed, especially in new environemnts. I have lovely friends (very close friends), I have parents and sisters (good relationship), I have hobbies, I travel a lot, and basically, while I am here on Earth, I am trying to get out of this life as much as I can. (I am in my early 30s).

    But…but…I don’t feel true to myself, I don’t know how to exlpain this, but I always feel like a fake. Like my whole life is one big lie. I avoid conflicts in order not to hurt others, and then in other situations when I really don’t want to hurt them or don’t have any intention of hurting them, this is exactly what I end up doing. I always think I have to be perfect and give 100% for people to love me and many times I think I am hiding my true self so that the others will like me. In the end, I don’t know who I am anymore. (My sisters tell me I am so hard with myself, too hard. And I am worried I am hard with others…If I expect so much from myself, how not to expct from others?)

    Also, when meeting new guys, this problem is especially significant; I am sooooo worried I will end up hurt, dissappointed and abandoned, that I never go in a realtionship with my whole heart. I am always on the side, there, but actally not there, just being scred and not loving as I would want to. I am very cautious in new relationship and I think this is exactly why I end up alone. I just can’t let go, relax and say…let’s see what happens? Let’s just love and enjoy it…I am not loving, I am only fearing I will be left hurt and abandoned and that everything I think about myself will be proved right. I try to hide my insecurities, espeially with guys, in order not to seem needy or clingy, when basically maybe this is what I am, and at the same time I need my space and privacy.

    How do I relax, how do I find who am I really, why this constant need for approval?

    March 13, 2015 at 9:53 am #73906
    Doreen Dawson
    Participant

    Hi Marek33,

    I understand your situation, I too have been there. Not knowing what to expect and thinking of ways I can please the person I have a relationship with and beating myself up over mistakes I think I am making. I know it is hard to let go of insecurities and being hurt, but I can tell you this openness to feeling love starts with yourself, start focusing inwards on ways to fall in love with yourself, hobbies, interests, things that make you and your heart happy. And when you do end up finding the right person you will have the confidence to find that balance of space and letting yourself feel loved by the other person.

    It’s a challenge, but I know you can do it. <3

    Take Care,
    Doreen

    March 17, 2015 at 6:41 pm #74068
    RC
    Participant

    Hi Marek33!

    I struggled for years with the feelings and fears you have written about. It was a slow, awkward, messy process of working thorough my hang-ups and insecurities to finally find a bit of peace with loving and letting myself be loved. I will start by saying this: To truly love with an open heart you must accept love but also accept the possibility for pain and disappointment and rejection. Being in love and having close relationships is all of those things. It is joy, pain, fear, excitement, and everything else you could imagine feeling. I think it is important to love yourself but I think knowing how to do this is hard. Having relationships while learning to love yourself are good things to have happen at the same time. I think often people put an emphasis on loving oneself first before having any relationships but I think they can happen together.

    Also, if possible, don’t hide your insecurities! Everyone, and I mean everyone, has them. I’ve found that showing what you’re trying to hide makes people more comfortable around you. Once you acknowledge your fears and welcome them into your life they become much less scary. I struggled with eating disorders for a while and I found that once I treated my body image issues with respect and kindness, they became less treacherous, more like some flyaway frizzy hair than a crippling mind-darkening disease. Challenge yourself to really ask yourself why you are so afraid of being abandoned or hurt, and what would really actually happen if you were to let someone close enough to hurt you.

    I am so hopeful for you! It sounds like you really want to love openly, and I think once you are ready to accept the possibility that you might get hurt, you will enter into a new part of this path you are on. Trust in the process, and be patient with yourself, you are making many great steps toward happiness! Humans by default are messy, awkward and wonderfully silly beings so go easy on yourself as you would a sibling or friend.

    Best wishes to you,
    R

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