Hello everyone, I just wanted to tell you a story about myself, and my first relationship. You might learn from it, or maybe you know something that i don’t and can help me, so that next time I won’t fail. Also, sorry if I make grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.

So where should I begin? My parents have always been an inspiration for me. They met when they were 16, they married when they were 18, and they just became 51 this year. They never fought , and always loved eachother and they raised 3 great kids, me beign the smallest one as an 18 year old. When I thought about having a relationship I always thought it will be like them, that the first one I meet ( yeah did I tell you that they never dated anyone before?) will be my one and only love. This kind of thinking took a huge toll on me just now.

Back in march 2012, there was a house party I went to, and there I met this girl. She was funny, beautifull and somebody I really started to love, but since I was shy and basically had no experience in this whatsoever, I didn’t do anything, we just had a good chat and let her go. I havent met her untill august, where I went to a festivel with my friends and she came too ( most of my friends are from one class from another school, and she is their classmate). We had really good talks and I started to like her more and more, but still didn’t do anything. She even wrote to me 2 weeks after the festival, and we started to chat on facebook for days, but still, the coward me didn’t do anything. I said to myself that “How would I be worthy to her?” “Why would she like me?” “Why would anyone like me?”. Things kind of went on for a while, but this year, on the second of february, we met at a house party and had such a good chat, that later I finally dared to invite her out to a date. For 2 weeks we have been dating, and I actually started to feel a connection to her, I loved her attitude and after 2 weeks she became my ver first girlfriend.

For another two weeks everything was great, though I still felt that something was wrong and I cant say what was it, even today. And then one day she started to act differentelly, she was angry and mean to me all the time, and I didn’t know why. She always searched for the problems beign in me, and I searched for the problems in me too. i never liked to blame others, and I always thought that the problem is with me. At this point I started to be afraid of her, I didn’t know when will it be if she is angry when I go to her, or she is happy and then she was so awesome. But the problem was that I could never make her happy, a lot of times she used my as a punching bag and later she did not admit it (she had 5 boyfriends before me). The whole relationship became a workplace for me, and I could not look at it as something that would make me happy, she always tried to argue with me and compared me to her old relationships and my patience just shortened, and shortened.
For a whole month I lived liek this. I always tried to make her happy, I asked her brother to let me into the house and put some chocolates on her bed with a poem I wrote, or one day in the coldest winter day I went out and bought her a rose that I gave to her, and I jsut saw that she couldn’t appreciate it. I thought girls like to recieve these things. Then one day I went to her dancing appearance, I didn’t even care anymore, I just wanted to see her after it. After two hours I went down. I wanted to give her a hug, and she pushed me away and said “Not here” infront of everybody. To this day I still don’t know what happened there, I asked her if she wanted to have a walk with me, and she instead went out for half an hour with her friend. I want home ad was just sad. I didn’t know what I did wrong. The next day was Easter, my sisters came home, I rarely see them, and I only went on the chat at 3 PM. She quarrelled with me saying “I waited the whole day for you to show your ugly face here” and I replied patiently to everything, eventhough I almost exploded on the inside, she was unexpectable the whole time, and in the end she always said taht she isn’t angry, this is just a stupid belief that guys belive about girls, and I actually belived it for some time. When the conversation ended I punched the wall, I never did it before, I didn’t even hit a person before, and my hand started to bleed. My sister came in and I told her the whole story, she told me that this girl, no matter how good she seems is no good influence on me, no matter how good she is. In my anger and sadness, the next day I wlaked to her and ended our relationship. I just said that “Look, this wont work on the long run, I can’t make you happy on the long run, and I don’t really feel good in this relationship”. She replied “Can i go in now?” and just walked inside. I want home with full of negative emotions and there came the true hearthbreaker for me. On facebook she wrote a huge message where she just bit me over and over again with the things she wrote, reminding me about things that I hate about myself or even things that would just hurt anybody. I was still patient there, I wrote a nice message back, tried to calm her down. What she replied was “You are miserable, and a coward for backing out of a 2 month long relationship”. I just completelly lost it there and wrote that ” If I wasn’t happy with you, then I’m not a coward”. To this day, 2 months later her memory still haunts me, and just the thought that I could say something so hurtfull to somebody that I cared for. She was depressed for a whole moth, she even made her friends angry, she was unstable, and then she just got herself together. She is happy now, and I’m still sad, with full of haunting memories that don’t let me relax.

For this I felt horrible about myself. “How could I do this to somebody I loved?” Two months have passed and I’m still lost, I have so many questions inside me about having a relationship. If I did good with ending it or if I am even worthy to be loved by somebody. It was a true hard lesson from life that not everybody is like my parents. I jsut don’t know if I am even fit for a relationship anymore, I have lost all my confidence.

Thank you if you have read it this far, you don’t knwo how much this means to me.