Thank you for your kind advice Marilyn.
One of my biggest desires is to feel happy and confident again without being dependant on others.everything changed for me when I woke.i remember thinking I need my life to change for the better for myself and my loved ones.everyone keeps telling me to be happy and they miss the person i was before.i feel I’ve changed but don’t know the new me.i cant go back to the happy happy person they believed me to be.i don’t know how.everything I wanted and had that made me feel happy and content is gone.i apologise day after day for offending anyone.i hate hurting people especially ones I love.i can’t seem to express myself without frustration anymore.ive become dependant on my partner and look for his approval.i genuinely do love him and feel over the moon when we are happy.i long to laugh again.i used to make everyone smile,believing its good for the soul.it made me happy.now I feel if all my positive feelings are sucked out of me and becoming bitter.i can see it.i long for my family to be happy again.since my return everything seems so dark.i try and talk to my partner and he just switches off or ignores me totally.i now get upset and said and threw things back at him I shouldn’t have.i can’t forgive myself and don’t see how he will to.i overly obsess and worry to the point I feel hysterical inside and the guilt is killing me and he knows it too,which I feel upsetting too.i need to help myself but so so lost.i feel I can’t focus on myself until everyone is ok.how much space is the right amount to give someone too I don’t know.

Thankyou.your advice has certainly hit home.tearfully I have to finally admit that they are my same thoughts.im not sure what love is anymore and what it is everyone expects from me.i was everyone’s strength.ive tried years to get all to stand on own feet and be independent.when i fell ill,i found they can survive perfectly well without me.this was great for me and a lot of pressure lifted.yet now I feel lost and hurt that they no longer want me around but still expect me to run around them all at a click of a finger.all respect and kindness has gone out of the window now that I’m not as fast and strong as I used to be.no one wants a sickly sad woman around to cramp their style.i see the embrassement on there faces when out with me.thats my own partner and kids.teenagers I can understand but my partner I can’t.i feel I need to leave them all yet I know these feelings are despair at the moment.my perception of love has changed but not quiet sure to what.i try to remain calm and not let anyone push my buttons.when they don’t get a reaction I get accused of be cold heartless and all sorts of negative things.i stay quiet and it’s not right.when I have a voice it’s not right either.in the end I’ve finally exploded in a negative way towards my partner after months of silent treatment from him.im drained and want to start afresh with everyone but not in a way it all goes back to this.i want a calmer happier me that is stronger within myself too.im so sorry for ranting. Long time since I’ve spoken to any one apart from family.all opinions and advice are greatly apreacated.sometimes others can see things more clearly then those involved.thankyou.