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Always haunted by the past, the present and the future

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  • #63657
    lil.lily
    Participant

    Hello,

    For some time now I have been feeling anxiety and depression…

    I try to get out of it but its so hard.

    I am going to try and keep it short. I am a young lady, undergrad student. About to graduate the end of the year. I live in San Diego, a beautiful city in CA but I feel so depressed. I am crying as we speak.

    Lost the guy (who lives in Europe) who I thought was meant for me, I mean.. Lost him because of my “anxiety” and “depressive” behavior. I thought he could understand me.

    I am very very busy all the time, I keep myself busy. I do a lot of things for therapeutic. But nothing seems to work. I get back into the slump. Especially when I am by myself at certain time and certain hours of the day.

    I will have a degree in Human Development (BA), I am a president of Arts Association, Peace Paint Ambassador for Art Miles Project, currently always volunteering, and work as a hostess for my part time job. I hang out with friends, I go to the beach. I paint. listen to music, work out. Go out. I am very active.

    Before all of this, I studied abroad in Holland, I went back for four weeks. I have been to 16 countries. and now I’m in CA. I feel depressed all the time. I miss my life there.

    I always get so stuck between the past, and the future. and then when I think of the present. It makes me so depressed.

    I want to live in Europe. When I lived there, I woke up.. and felt so happy. here. I wake up. and feel like crap. Why do I feel this way when I know my life is good, that I have everything that most people do not have.

    I am always crying, I feel so weak like a baby. Sometimes I think I am like this because I love so much, I am so sensitive and have this artistic mentality. and I am stuck in a suburban city..

    I want to have an adventurous life. where my life doesn’t feel mundane. I am focusing on school which will start next monday on the 25th. but I feel incredibly lonely. but I want more to life, I want to do my masters in a different country, maybe back in Europe again and feel that incredible happiness.. but right now.. I am stuck in my bubble.

    I am going to call and make an appointment to talk to the counselor at my school.

    #63664
    bill
    Participant

    What can I know about you without any investigating – that you are highly accomplished and have healthy ambition. You are probably bright as well. Unfortunately, these positive traits will not insulate you from regret and other negative feelings especially if you are hard on yourself for not achieving the ideal life you may have planned.

    I have the same issues myself. I cannot help but obsess over things that I did or did not do – sometimes very long ago. It’s as if I have a record of everything in my head and don’t want to own certain parts as being a part of myself. In other instances I just wish I had done differently – maybe studied science, married somebody and had kids, and feel like it’s a little late now.

    But is sounds as if you do not even have that. Why do you let it haunt you? Are you humiliated by something in the past? Is there anything irretrievable or unfixable? Does it help to know that 50% of marriages end in divorce? If you regret losing a relationship you would be in very good company. Many people who have lost relationships don’t even give a damn because they blame the other person (wrongly!).

    My impression of you is someone leading a full, creative life that is much better than billions of poor smucks out here. You may still dislike yourself. Tell me, do you wake up in the morning and start reviewing your life’s failings or something like that?
    If it helps, you are not a arms merchant or corporate lobbiest are you? Did you murder anyone? Did you poach any endangered animals? I doubt it. And you have your whole life to create things of value and enjoy the beauties of our world and its people (the decent ones).

    Don’t regret the past because it sounds like you have done a passing good job. Don’t regret the present because (how do you do that???), Don’t fear the future because it is not yet written and none of us knows it. As for Europe, I regret having been so broke since Grad School that I have not gone there once. Maybe you should go there if it gives you joy. I certainly prefer their social policies which are a reflection of their philosophy of life.

    I hope this helps. You sound like a promising person and I hope you hang in there.

    #63665
    Matt
    Participant

    Lily,

    In addition to bill’s heartfelt wisdom, consider aiming more of your kindness at yourself. You run and run, helping people, meeting demands, chasing your dream, but perhaps don’t take enough time to be gentle and tender with yourself. Often we skip away from the present moment, into past and future, to escape the ugly feeling in our body. We think something is wrong with us, but its not that, its just that our body is really tense from all the running. Said differently, with running body and running mind, no wonder its tough to feel comfortable just being there, as you, resting, enjoying!

    Consider spending more time intentionally being gentle with yourself. When we set down all the “didn’t do”s and “what if”s and “what next”s, and just let ourselves unwind, the tightness around the present unwraps, and we wake back up, rejuvinate. Perhaps hop in a tub with candles, go to an art gallery, yoga class, nature walk… a peaceful environment to help remind you of the beauty, inside and out. Save the puzzle for when you feel better, it won’t take long. You give so much kindness already, once you include yourself in the beings you’re kind to, I’m confident you’ll find your stride. 🙂 We get what we give, and you give a lot! But we have to take the time… 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #65396
    lil.lily
    Participant

    Hi @bill Sorry it took me a while to response. I dont think it is ever too late for you to have kids or be married. I really like your response.. I had to read it over and over again because I felt it.

    I just love loving.. you know? I love to love all the time, I love people, and I love learning, music, art … etc., But I want to feel happy and wake up loving life all the time.

    I am just day dreaming all the time.. and I feel like life is such a routine where I currently live. I want to see art, nice people interacting all the time.. I mean I live in San Diego. But to me its different. I cant explain. I am hanging in there.

    I think for you, you should visit Europe.. Its my favorite place to be. It is never too late. Most of the time I tend to give up, but I look and say.. its never too late.. there is a chance. I have always day dreamed.. and dreamed.. and most of the goals I have achieved…and maybe soon.. I will be back in Europe again. Although lately I have been feeling so lost.. feeling so robotic in this routine life.

    You are a great person Bill. I sense it, from your spoken truth.

    #65397
    lil.lily
    Participant

    @Matt, thank you for your sweet response. I am currently very busy with school, work, internship etc. So, I have alot of time to not feel upset about silly things. I take alot of time to myself at times.. I am starting to paint more often. I feel that if I am painting.. I feel more human. Lately I have been feeling robotic.

    Anyways.. Thank you so much.

    Cheers to life

    #65649
    Sarah Jane
    Participant

    Hi Lil Lilly, so sorry to hear that you are feeling so down at the moment, and so tearful. It sounds as though you have a lot of pressure on you, what with the studying, work, volunteering and all of your other commitments. Maybe you are physically exhausted and perhaps this is impacting on your mental health now? It doesn’t sound as if it is the best time to decide about whether to be living somewhere else, like Europe, if you are trying to cope with a break up from your European boyfriend? You may be chasing the dream, rather than dealing with the reality? Have you ever heard of Mindfulness? There are some good books you can read about it, and basically it gets you to concentrate on the moment in time, rather than looking back or forward, and it helps you to realize that whilst we are worrying about tomorrow we are missing out on the here and now, and also how many times we are so busy that it doesn’t even truly register what we are doing!!! I am glad to hear that you are going to talk to a counsellor, sometimes it does help to voice your concerns and fears and help you to sort out your thoughts about things. I would suggest that you put off making any big decisions until you are feeling much better. Just remember, the past has gone and we can’t do anything to change it, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet so we can’t even guess what it will be like, so we may as well work on appreciating the here and now 🙂
    Best Wishes
    Sarah-Jane

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