Hi Wildoceanflower,

Your post was the first thing that I read on the forums. I’m new to the site and thought that I would give this a try. Great job on writing your feelings down. It takes a brave person to do this. The break up that you experienced sounds very difficult for you and from what you’ve shared, something highly difficult to move through. BUT you are moving through it. I went through a divorce recently under the most frustrating circumstances. It took me a whole year to find my voice again. I isolated from friends and family and everything seemed to irritate me easily. That was short and saying the least. This is about you. 🙂 I don’t think there is one formula to get through through the pain of a break up well. Fortunately, there are thousands. Find. Your. Voice. You are more than the sum of your relationship with this other person. You are an amazing person on your own! Feeling your pain is healthy, but staying there is not. What other interests do you have? Is there an area of study that you’re interested in learning more about? Is there a beach nearby? Library? You can be as creative as you want to be. I’m a natural giver, so I dealt with my pain through helping others. I joined a non profit and volunteered my time. Forgive yourself for being human. Get inspired by something bigger than yourself. Journal or blog more to release that pain. Yes, life is not fair, but it is beautiful. It is more beautiful with you in it going after your dreams and aspirations. Lastly, I wanted to share a quote with you that I read this evening on a post: “Honey, we aren’t here on this earth to rise above life. We are here to walk through the mud. The magic is in the mess.”

The magic is in the mess, wildoceanflower. Hope this lifts you up. Thank you for sharing your post.

Dear wildoceanflower:

Glad you are back! Regarding observing your feelings, it takes lowering their intensity first, every time, so that they don’t overwhelm you (“high in my chest, panic and fear”- that’s being overwhelmed). Once the intensity is tolerable, then you can detach enough to observe.

anita

Hello wildoceanflower,

The folks that have responded to your post, and others as well, are an amazing source of sound advice that you can hold on to. When I read various responses from people who are reaching out to others, it actually reinforced my way of seeing things and have adopted much of what they say as being something that I can immediately access in the event that I have detected a down tick on my emotional health radar screen. One of the things that I did quite a while back when I was feeling way down, was something that Mark utilized that helped him. I was at a low point for a while when I recognized it had the great potential to increase momentum in its downward spiral. Seeing this possibility was not going to happen. It was something that I chose not to happen. So I decided to reach out to others and offer my help to them. I reached out to a homeless veteran group and embraced their need for help. As being a homeless veteran myself long ago, I found that reaching out to those who I knew I could help had unexpected benefits far beyond my imagination. Helping my brothers and sisters had such a lasting profound effect that in the midst of me feeling good, feeling grounded and clear, in that I lost track of the time that went by when I last felt bad. What amazing medicine that is!

I do not recall who said this, but I will share it anyway. “The only person you are destined to become, is the person you decide to be.” Rest on that and what others have offered to you and use that in such a way you will be well on your way to the life you deserve.

Pearce

Hi wildoceanflower,

You know what might be a new way to look at criticisms and negativity? It can be almost funny! The only way the words and thoughts of other people can affect me is how I allow it to affect me. If someone takes the time to criticize me, how important is that to my sense of self? Not very important. What is important is that I like and respect the person I am.

Notice the instant you start to allow the anxiety start to kick in. I found listening and noticing your feet on the ground (a tip from “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach, which you might want to read) when you talk to someone can really help. Instead of falling into the anxiety, try to imagine the person is your best friend as you talk. I think you will find not only will people treat you more warmly, but that you’ll feel better in the conversation as well.

I know what it’s like you are on the floor and you are comparing yourself to people and you think other people are better. But they are not. Try to ignore the judgments of other people. Find good people who you can trust. I’d rather be around one or two people who I trust than be around a whole bunch of “friends” who criticize me or make me feel bad.