If I understood the sketch correctly:

– 3 months passed since you’re last co-dependent relationship
– your new relationship starts with your boyfriend “taking care” of you after surgery
– you feel like your physical needs may be a burden on him (you’re worried about him self-sacrificing to meet your needs)
– if he had surgery, you would take care of him (you would self-sacrifice to meet his needs)
– when you’re boyfriend is not available this causes you distress and you feel alone or lonely

I’m not sure, but I’m thinking there’s still some unhealthy attachment on both sides. You thrive on your boyfriend taking care of you and your boyfriend enjoys being the knight in shining armor at your time of need, except when real life gets in the way and your needs are not meant resulting you to turn on the other person who you expect to be the source of your comfort and happiness.

• This reply was modified 11 years, 8 months ago by John.

In that case, I retract my statement. I misunderstood the scenario you were describing.

The only other thing that I would react to is this notion of keeping score, “more UNavailable than he is available”.

What if, when he is available, he is simply available, and when he’s not available, he’s simply not available. If we stop tracking numbers and setting up implicit expectations what someone should or should not be, there’s so much less churn. 😉

SerCay,

I only have a moment, forgive the brevity.

Consider that the codependency isn’t in the feelings… its in the fear that has prevented you from stating your preferences. For instance, if you wanted to lay down with him, did you say that? Did you ask him to wait to eat? Often our expectations can’t be met if we don’t express them, and then we get pissed off our partner is not psychic.

He may also feel a little strained, have you asked him if he is feeling burdened? Are you too afraid he will say yes? Would you assume that “SerCay” is the burden, rather than the situation both of you are in?

Recovery is part perception and part courage. Seeing our feelings and how they interfere, and the courage to speak up about what we think, see, feel and desire.

With warmth,
Matt